Every time a Real Housewives cast goes on vacation, it ends in disaster. Here's hoping that the Jersey Girls keep the streak alive.
The show opens with Joey Gorga and his singer/songwriter/entertainer/recording artist/honorary Souldigga wife, Melissa Gorga, getting ready for the trip to Punta Cana. Joey Gorga loves the smell of fresh laundry. You can tell because he keeps picking up singer/songwriter/entertainer/recording artist Melissa's bikini bottoms and smelling them. I can't blame him. Personally I love the smell of Downey combined with Dreft. There is nothing like that fresh laundry smell. It was sweet to see the kids and his mother-in-law in the room with him to watch him enjoy that fresh laundry smell.
Even though the trip is only going to be four days, Teresa is filling a suitcase with more bikinis than you see at The Miss America pageant (which by the way is hosted by a very handsome up and comer named Andy Cohen). As Teresa packs, Gia has squeezed herself into one of the suitcases. Milania instantly starts jumping up and down on it in an attempt to crush Gia's bones. I guess she didn't like her song last week. I think baby Audriana has a new single dropping soon too, because Milania gets in the crib with her and puts her in an armbar and body slams her. This may very well be the world's strongest family. Teresa keeps asking Joe Giudice if, "We're gonna have a good time together." Joe's answers are super evasive and vague. I get the feeling that Joe is thinking that fourteen people are going to Punta Cana, but only thirteen are coming back.
Watching the RHONJ women pack for this trip is like watching the Pyramids being built. It just seems too impossible to complete. These gals are bringing so much clothing to the Dominican Republic that I think they are going to open a Forever 21 store there. Guys don't pack as much as girls. If a guy is on vacation for two weeks, he packs just ONE bathing suit. Granted, at the end of the trip the swim suit might smell like a skunk farted, but we stick with the date we brought to the dance. You may call it disgusting, we call it dedication. The Real Housewives of New Jersey are bringing enough wardrobe changes to the D.R. to bang out a production of Moulin Rouge by lunch.
Lauren is explaining to Caroline that she has a suitcase for hairspray and jewelry. It's never a good idea to visit a poor country and have a local bellhop carry your jewelry bag up to your suite. It seems like you're rubbing their noses in it.
Everyone lands safely in Punta Cana. I love a country that has dancers at the airport. We should try that here in the states, especially at JFK. People could step off of twelve hour flights from Malaysia and see rival hip hop crews break dancing next to Hudson News. Out of all five hundred and sixty three pieces of luggage, only Teresa's gets lost. My guess is that Joe Giudice tipped the skycap at Newark airport to throw it off the plane somewhere over North Carolina. It's nice to imagine a double wide filled with hillbillys have taken a break from cooking meth to try on enormous hoop earrings.
As Teresa looks for her bag, the guys retire to the bar and have a few ice-cold beers. Caroline says, "We didn't come to Punta Cana to hang out at the airport." Why not? There's cold beer and dancing. Chris seems to be having a hard time adjusting to his new surroundings. I am basing this on the fact that he is walking around the Dominican Republic in blue jeans and a Ferrari jacket. I guess he is wearing the jacket in case the temperature dips below eighty-nine.
The cast drives to their hotel in a presidential-like motorcade. Teresa and Joey are sitting together in an Escalade and decide to call their mother. After the introductions, Teresa asks her mom to say a prayer to St. Anthony to help her find her lost luggage. It's a good thing it's the slow season for St. Anthony. I would hate to think that a family didn't find their missing child or a long lost loved one didn't turn up because St. Anthony was tracking down Teresa's jewelry filled leopard luggage. Joey Gorga tells his mom not to waste the prayer. You don't hear the mom's response. Maybe she can't talk because Milania has her in a figure-four leg lock.
In a different car in the motorcade, Joe Giudice tells his "amigo" to pull over so he can go "pee pee". Joe sounds like a Spanish pediatrician. After Joe gets out to urinate, every guy on the trip follows him out and they do the same. Suddenly the woods of the Dominican Republic are filled with New Jersey men and their penises. How amazing would it be to have a documentary film crew stumble upon our men in mid-stream. They would have a very difficult narration. "Here we see the New Jersey, Italian man relieving himself. This is a fascinating discovery, because no one ever knew they would travel so far from the Mall at Short Hills to do so. Before today, we didn't know they peed in groups. This one must be the leader because he is wearing a Ferrari jacket." It's probably never a good idea to urinate in public in a foreign country. Isn't that how you get caned? It wouldn't matter with this group, because as soon as the local cops went to put handcuffs on the boys, Joe Giudice would drop into the splits and spit one of his broken teeth at them.
After everyone is properly drained, the cast arrives at their hotel. They are all staying at The Hard Rock Hotel Punta Cana. By their reactions you would think they were pulling up to the White House. In all fairness, The Hard Rock also has a casino inside, and I bet Joe and Chris are itching to get inside and see what the odds are in the Sports Book on Teresa's bag being found. The Hard Rock Café is famous around the world for having the most amazing rock and roll memorabilia on display in their restaurants. In Punta Cana this must be the place they keep all the great Dominican rock and roll keepsakes. Where else would our gang get to see a scarf worn on stage by Chi Chi Peralta? At the Hard Rock Punta Cana you can have a cocktail and stare at boots that were used in a music video by Krisspy or a used mic stand from a Coco Valoy concert.
As the crew walks to their rooms, Joe Giudice tells every one that Christopher and Albie look like, "butt buddies." I personally thought they looked like brothers that love and care for each other. Judging by her comments, singer/songwriter/performer Melissa agrees with me. Teresa thinks that they are both good boys because they haven't gotten married yet, and once a wife comes into the picture, it ruins everything. This is an obvious dig at singer/songwriter/recording artist Melissa, and to her credit, she ignores it. For the record, camp Giudice has launched two jabs and no one else has said a negative word.
While picking rooms, Albert tells Joe and Teresa they can have a room far from him so he doesn't hear them going at it like cats. Joe Giudice then explains to Albert that they wont be going at it much at all. To this Teresa replies, "Why? Because I'm on my period?" Some things should be edited out of the show. I didn't need to know that and neither did America. Shortly after the rooms are chosen, everyone flips out and gets WAY too excited about the arrival of club sandwiches. I should cut everyone here some slack, because I got way too excited about the arrival of Greg. I freaking love Greg. I love his attitude, his sense of humor, and I love that you can see his balls when he does sit ups. I love any gay man that can pull off a Mohawk. In hindsight I am very glad Greg arrived late, because it would have really troubled me if he heard Joe call Chris and Albie, "butt buddies." No one offends my Greggy. I have a Bravo-sized man crush on Mr. Greg, and if anyone hurt his feelings, I would have to leap into action. I don't know how to defend a Joe Giudice doing the splits punch, but I'll work on it.
Over at the Wakile/Souldigga/Gorga villa, Joey and Richie are getting a massage. Joey keeps telling Melissa to stop talking because it's giving him an erection. This proves that there is an actual human being alive that enjoys Melissa's voice. Richie tells Kathy that he thinks his masseuse farted. Nice try, Richie. We all saw how hard you were pounding those grapes. A hundred and fifty grapes plus beer at the airport equals plenty of butt trumpet. Earlier, Kathy was explaining to singer/songwriter/recording artist Melissa and Richie that it was nice every one got along on the ride from the airport considering it was such a tight space. Kathy thinks the Gorga/Giudice feud might turn a corner. Richie tells her that behind every corner there could be a "big freaking surprise waiting for you." Kathy accuses Richie of always seeing the glass as half empty. We all know that Kathy views life as the hookah is half full.
The next morning everyone is having breakfast, and Caroline looks like she is going to die. Teresa tries to lift everyone's hung over spirits by modeling her bathing suits. Lauren explains in her interview that it was "hot as balls" and she was on her period and Teresa modeling bikinis wasn't helping. Are these women all on the same cycle? Teresa's bikinis are all very tiny and sparkly. They look like what would be in the wardrobe department if Walt Disney did porn. Everyone but Greg seems to be truly sickened by Teresa's fashion show. Greg knows that in Teresa's mind, singer/songwriter/recording artist Melissa is going to have a great swimsuit and Teresa knows that she is going to have to try and top it. Good point, Greg. Maybe Greg could be my assistant on my RHONJ therapy show? Jacqueline says that she wishes she had Teresa's ass. I'm guessing so do half the men watching the show.
Caroline's Teresa migraine is so bad that she can't even go out on the boat ride with the rest of the gang. Something about this group of people being in the middle of the ocean seems like a horrible, horrible idea. Gilligan's Island started with a boat ride, and those people all liked each other. Regardless of my trepidations, the gang starts oiling up and get ready to hit the seas.
Once on board, Albie has come up with a drinking game for third graders. He has called it "La Cucaracha." In this drinking game, there is a plastic cockroach that shimmies it's way across the boat's deck and whomever it touches has to take a shot. When I was drinking, we had a much more fun drinking game. It was called, "Hey! Let's all take a couple shots!" Why bring plastic roaches into the festivities? Just drink until you get warm and fuzzy and puke into your hat.
During the boat ride, Teresa takes the uncomfortable level up a notch by leaving Richie hanging on a high five. Here's a sentence I never thought I would write again. "Teresa is angry that Richie is talking about Joe's cock." Teresa wants everyone on board to know that Joe Giudice has a big penis. She says that there is proof because she has four kids. Someone should explain anatomy to Teresa. Is that what birth control has degenerated to in New Jersey? "You can't get pregnant if the man has a small penis." Teresa, I have two kids, and I am hung like a light switch. Hell, people get pregnant using turkey basters and stirrups with potholders on them. (Isn't it amazing that as far as we have come in medicine, the OBGYN still uses freaking potholders to keep women's feet warm during a visit?!)
The boat drops anchor and every one decides to go for a swim. Greg is first in and does a splendid, super hot cannon ball into the blue water. When he stands up, we see that the water is only three feet deep. This immediately gave me chills. If Greg dove, he would have been paralyzed, and I would have had to nurse him back to health for the rest of our lives together. I would have done so happily and proudly.
Joey Gorga does a "flip" into the water. I'm not sure why Joey is wearing a bandana while swimming in the ocean. Maybe he's afraid the local fish will eat his bangs. Greg, Joey, Joe, and Chris are having a wrestling match in the ocean. Why does everyone love climbing on top of Greg? I guess he is officially a bottom. Greg is definitely a top when he stands on Joe Giudice's back while Joe bangs out ten push-ups. Joe then bangs out ten push-ups while Jacqueline is on his back. I think Joe Giudice might be Thing from Fantastic Four. Did anyone else notice that Joe Giudice shaves his armpits? Guys that shave their armpits shouldn't call other guys, "butt buddies."
When every one sits on an island to enjoy a nice dinner, Joey Gorga and his singer/songwriter/souldigga wife try to bang out a quickie in one of the bathrooms. The only problem here is that other people are using it. I think that Joey Gorga could have sex any where at any time. He is like the Terminator of sex. This guy has never lost an erection in his life. I admire him. He knows he is filled with poison, and he needs to get rid of it at all times. If Joey Gorga took Viagra he would have a stroke.
Everyone is completely relaxed and enjoying life as the sun goes down. In Real Housewife land that means it's the perfect time to have a meaningless fight. While discussing the restaurant business, Kathy says that she doesn't know if she could "disengage" from her kids to put in all the hours it takes to make a restaurant work. Teresa, inexplicably, takes this as a direct insult to her and her mothering skills and jumps down Kathy's throat. As they bicker back and forth Albie asks, "Is this a fight or a real fight?" My lover Greg replies that it must be a real fight, because it involves two women and one of them is wearing a hat. I love that Greg has re-set ground rules for us in regards to what requires our attention. If two women are arguing and one of them is wearing a big hat, you now know it is a good fight.
Teresa is completely out of line here, because she keeps saying how the baby was not left unattended at the christening. The Bravo producers agree with me because they keep showing a flashback of the baby alone in her stroller at the christening. It is a strange thing for Teresa to hold such a grudge about. You would think that at some point Teresa would realize that we are all watching footage of her baby alone and unattended at the christening and let it go. Not the case. Teresa tries to obliterate Kathy on this subject.
In her interview, Kathy says that for once in her life she isn't going to let it go and for once she is going to fight back. Right when I get all excited to see a fight between two women where one is wearing a hat, Kathy lets it go. She does this with the help of Joe Giudice who keeps telling Teresa to, "SHUT UP!" Finally, Teresa and Joe walk away. singer/songwriter/souldigga Melissa and Joe are somehow not in this fight. It's too bad, because they are both wearing bandanas now. We have learned from Greg that a fight between two women where one woman is wearing a big floppy fight is a good fight. Then a fight with three women where one woman has a hat on and another is wearing a ridiculous bandana would constitute the Normandy invasion. Maybe next week we can get all women with all different head wear involved. Fingers crossed. Word to the Gia.