Episode 18: Jay Mohr thinks the Teresa/Melissa rivalry has reached Nomi Malone/Cristal Connors levels.
The New Jersey Housewives probably argue over more nonsense than any of the other Housewives. The amount of yelling and backstabbing that happens on a weekly basis over nothing is amazing. At this point I'm waiting for Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell and Gina Gershon to show up and trip each other down the stairs. The Teresa/Melissa rivalry is worthy of the rivalry in Showgirls. Somehow though Teresa and Melissa look tackier.
We start this week with Teresa walking away from her fight with Kathy. Teresa is walking up the beach holding hands with a cement block with nipples. After all the boob jobs that have been documented and alleged on The Real Housewives, Joe Giudice might have the biggest pecs out of all of them. Apparently Teresa needs to change her bikini. I know after I get into a huge fight with one of my cousins, I always like to change into a different bikini. Teresa's post fight bikini is blinding. It's gold and shiny and tiny and looks like what people would wear onstage if Siegfried and Roy started training women. In her new bikini, Teresa looks like Persian Barbie. I am impressed by Tre's ability to behave as if nothing even happened once her new Liberace suit is on.
I got the feeling that Melissa was somehow disappointed that she wasn't involved in the fight between Teresa and Kathy. I am only judging this by the way her bandana started to sag as the night went on. Melissa looks like Axl Rose in this episode, except (I never thought I would type this) Axl Rose is a better singer. Teresa is also wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night. Larry David once said, "Only two kinds of people wear sunglasses at night. Blind people and assholes." I'm looking for a cane.
I like how Richie tries to act cool with Joe Giudice in the men's room regarding the fight. Maybe someone should show Joe Giudice the tape of Richie talking trash about Joe outside his pizzeria the night of Milania's party? Joe Giudice seems to be at the point of no return. He doesn't care who is right or who is wrong. He just wants everyone, including his wife, to shut the hell up. It ain't gonna happen.
The gang seems to chill out a little by the time dinner arrives. They are all treated to some Dominican stew. As the fire crackles in front of them and they are treated to some local culture, we as viewers wait to see who gets thrown on the fire next.
The next day we see Joey Gorga trying to convince Melissa to take away some of his poison while she showers. He might be the most persistent man that ever lived. With Joey's sex drive they should have more kids than the Duggars. I'm not sure why Joey can't wait for Melissa to be finished showering before having sex. Maybe he hopes that by having sex in the shower it will keep her from singing in it. An amazing thing happened in this scene. Joey Gorga walked into the shower without a bandana on his head and walked out of the shower wearing a bandana. This raises the question: In their shower, do Melissa and Joey have a bandana caddy? Maybe it's just a shower cap and Joey doesn't want to ruin his Dominican perm.
Melissa shares with us in her interview that she is a little annoyed at Joey. She says she wishes he could just give her five minutes to wash her armpits. Five minutes? Did she smuggle Dominican stew back to the condo under her arms? Most human beings can wash their entire bodies in five minutes. Looking back, I do remember one episode where Joey was licking Melissa's armpits, so maybe she has to keep them super shiny in case someone breaks out a hookah.
A little later the boys all venture out to play a round of golf. During his opening drive, Joey Gorga pulls his pants down. This is now three weeks in a row where he has either put his balls on someone's neck or showed his butt crack. Joey should just go ahead and get a tramp stamp that says, "Look here!" with big arrows pointing down towards his whale eye.
Joe Giudice hits next and he is dressed like he is playing at the Tiffany Diner Pinebrook Invitational. Juicy Joe misses his first two shots completely. Maybe somewhere in the Dominican Republic there is a gymnastics studio. The studio could lay out some tumbling mats and Joe could miss them too.
As the boys golf, the girls are going out shopping. In this scene I realized that all year long, Melissa has been reminding me of Fran Drescher in The Nanny (except Fran Drescher is a better singer). There is a mix up in this scene worthy of a Three's Company re-run when Kathy and Melissa think they're shopping for clothes, but Teresa is shopping for food. Teresa then explains that she is going to do some research for her next fusion Italian/Italian cookbook. It's a smart move by Teresa. In a foreign country who knows what ingredientzes they are using. She already wrote Skinny Italian, now she can get to work on Skinny Dominican.
Teresa is still wearing her blind person sunglasses from the night before. She's also holding a cocktail. Personally I have never said, "I'm going to the grocery store, where's my drink?" But to each her own.
The ladies go to the "market," which is essentially a collection of cow heads and chicken carcasses. One of the girls says, "Everyone is looking at us like we have five heads!" Maybe everyone is looking at you because you're all dressed like Joann Whorley covered in fishing lures. Melissa is complaining that she is walking in blood in her Guccis. Imagine how bad the complaints were from whatever did the bleeding. Maybe one of the severed cow heads heard Melissa sing and bled from its ears. Teresa goes rogue and picks up a dead chicken and walks down the alley with it like she found someone's purse. Melissa explains to Teresa that chickens carry diseases and Teresa says, "Salmalenas." She is a best selling author. It looks a little dicey after a while. Caroline implores everyone to settle down and to stop making a scene. A crowd of locals starts to encircle our group. I was never afraid for their safety though. If Melissa starts singing they will have the streets of Higuey to themselves. Melissa's voice is like pepper spray for the ears.
That night the gang all settle in for a dinner at Benihana Punta Cana. On a side note have you ever noticed how long it takes to get that awesome Benihana smell off of you after you leave? The most delicious place on earth has the longest lasting smell. I dare you to go into Benihana wearing a wig and a cashmere sweater.
Christopher, Albie, and Greg decide to have a beauty contest in the restaurant. They say they want to crown the "Punta Princess." This doesn't sound like a good thing. It sounds like something you would swear at someone during the Puerto Rican day parade. Teresa wins the style award. Kathy wins the creativity category (Teresa actually looks mad). Melissa gets hit with a trivia question: Who is the vice president of the United States? Teresa can't stand not having attention for five seconds so she yells out, "Clinton!" Yes. Yes, Teresa, the vice president of the United States is Bill Clinton. Go back to sleep. Eventually after thinking about it, Melissa says, "That white guy with grey hair." In all fairness, historically I think she is right half the time. Right when I thought Bravo would lose the coveted Delaware demo from Dover to Rehoboth Beach, Melissa answers, "Biden!"
Thank God there wasn't a talent portion to the beauty pageant. If Melissa started singing On Display, customers would have started pressing their ears against the hibachis.
Right when it looks like every one will get back to New Jersey without too much collateral damage, Kathy drops napalm across Teresa. In her interview, Kathy says after the vacation in Punta Cana, she needs another vacation. This vacation she will take with her children. "That would be a vacation to me." DAYUM! Kathy saved her bullets for her interview. Interesting technique. Instead of shooting at people when they're in front of you and having a huge argument on television, wait until you are alone with your thoughts and a camera crew and become a reality television sniper.
Melissa is getting ready for her debut performance at the launch party for Chris and Albie's earplugs company. She tells the party planner that her husband Joey wanted her to walk out with two tigers. Somehow Siegfried and Roy have made it into this blog twice! I hope Melissa has better luck than Roy Horn. She could just sing to the tigers and they would know not to swallow her. What self-respecting tiger would want that sound in their stomachs? Melissa complains that she can't get into the flow. Maybe she should perform, Money Can't Buy You Class. That song is awesome. No matter what Melissa decides to sing, no one will hear her over Richie's shirt. Richie is wearing a paisley shirt out to the club. Nothing like dipping back to 1992 when you get dressed up for a live show. The show starts and Melissa lip synchs to her own record. Most people would get tired if they sang live music at the same time as they were dancing and jumping around. Not Melissa's record. Melissa's record that she is lip-synching to has incredible stamina.
After the performance, Joe Giudice of all people gives a toast. He says, "Melissa went out there and did what she did. Not too many people could do that." Amen, brother. For all of the ball breaking and teasing and jokes that we make, Melissa did what 99.9% of all her Twitter haters could never do. She bloody well went out there and did it. In front of a live audience she put herself out there to be criticized and analyzed for eternity. I applaud you, Melissa, for getting up there and performing. Everyone on the internet that criticizes you has never had the balls to even go to the mall by themselves, and you walked out there and did it. (I do it too, that's why I take liberty to make fun of you.) Congratulations on being brave. Scoreboard Melissa.
After Joe Giudice's toast, Joey Gorga picks Caroline up in the air over his head. Maybe with her new hairdo he thought she was John Crier from Pretty in Pink?
After Melissa's lip-synching performance, Teresa asks Kathy to met her out back. Finally! These two will settle their argument the old fashioned way, with an old-fashioned fistfight. Oh. Wait. Teresa just apologized. My bad. That wasn't nearly as fun as a fistfight would have been. So now Teresa and Kathy are friends again (at least until Teresa sees the things Kathy said about her in this episode. Teresa sure likes to hold a grudge.) Oh. Wait. Teresa just said in her interview that she doesn't like to hold grudges. I wonder if she has ever seen the show. It has been a 14-week long Teresa grudge with a horrible soundtrack. Download Melissa's song on iTunes. Maybe if it's successful she'll give us another.