Th-Th-Th-Thick as Thieves
Jay Mohr is fairly certain the Manzos will soon take over all of New Jersey.
Episode 10 starts out in mid-Christmas party at the Gorga’s house. The party is a smashing success judging by the amount of tables and chairs that have not been thrown, broken, or used to harm others. Joey Gorga is in the middle of the dance floor yelling at several women, “I want all of ya!” and they wisely oblige. The women quickly make a Gorga sandwich, hold the poison…hopefully.
I must admit that after all of the fighting that has been going on I did not think I would enjoy watching every one getting along. This could really work, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey with No Villain.” As I think that, Kim G. shows up to the party ready to stir the pot. Kim G. has had so much work done that she suddenly looks like a cross between Heather Locklear and the Crypt Keeper. Before letting her into the party they should have checked her for gills because to me she looks like an extra from Sponge Bob.
As every one enjoys the night Teresa says, “Tonight was like old times,” meaning her and Melissa were both A cups with Bon Jovi hair. As the Giudices and the Gorgas truly enjoy one another, Kim G. decides to take a dump in the punch bowel. Momma Manzo didn’t raise no punks (despite what Danny said) and Lauren Manzo has had enough of Kim G.’s poison (different than Joey’s poison, but still poison). Lauren looks like she is about to knock Kim G. to the ground when finally she drops a “shut your face” bomb on top of her.
Kim G. makes a fatal battle mistake here. She asks, “What did you say?” The Manzos are th-th-th-thick as thieves. As soon as Kim G. steps to Lauren the entire Manzo crew is mounted up and ready for war. Caroline turns to Kim G. and begins to dress her down in front of EVERYBODY. It gets so brutal that Caroline should have painted her face blue like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Always the good captain, Caroline knows when to let he lieutenants do her light work and in step Albie and Christopher. This begins what I will call “The Manzo Bouncer Service,” because Kim G. gets bounced like a bad check. I’m not even sure how she got to the Gorga’s front door, because it was an elaborate combination of hand-offs and secret handshakes between the entire Manzo crew. Before she can say, “My face is falling a little to the left,” Kim G. is outside the house.
What made Kim G.’s removal more impressive was that it happened in front of her own bodyguard! Which begs the question, why does Kim G. need a bodyguard? Is she afraid the SOULDIGGAZ are going to show up and demand her demo tapes from when she was in the Maguire Sisters? Regardless, her bodyguard is there and he must be the worst bodyguard of all time. Aside from looking like James Caan after a stroke, he allows the Manzo crew to diss his homegirl right there in front of everybody. After a quick nap, the bodyguard realizes he is on camera and should do something to maybe, you know, save his reputation as a body guard; he yells to Al Sr., “Tell your goon to relax!” OH SNAP! A goon is a goon is a goon, and the Manzos ain’t goons. Those were fighting words if I’ve ever heard them.
The rest of the argument played out in my mind like an episode of Scooby Doo. Once Kim G. was outside and speaking with Christopher, I thought Al Sr. was going to come up behind her and peel off her Kim G. mask to reveal that it was actually Danielle in disguise. Christopher is trying in vain to have a conversation with Kim G. like she isn’t a crazy person. The Manzo family, realizing he will blow out a hamstring if he keeps working this hard, pulls him away. Kim G. starts whining like an actual child and at one point Al Sr. tells her to get lost and says, “She’s a clown!” Damn! HARDCORE. The Manzos are a well oiled machine. I want to see Ocean’s 14 with just the Manzo family trying to keep acid washed Danny and his bug eyed quiet friend from stealing radar equipment off of the U.S.S. Ling (too inside?).
Melissa and Joey G. are acting very nicely this episode. Melissa says in her interview that she admired how the Manzo boys stood up for their mother and she hopes in the future her boys will do the same. Melissa brings up a great point though -- Why are the Manzos throwing people out of someone else’s house party? Because they’re GANGSTERS that’s why! I didn’t even realize it until Melissa said it. How bad-ass is that? Imagine going to someone else’s party and you just start tossing people out that you don’t like. Amazing! This is Suge Knight territory the Manzos are in now. I want more of this. The Manzos are ready to make a serious move at this point. In a matter of days they will take Sussex and Morris County, and brace yourself if you live in Ocean County, because your asses are next. There will be blood (or at least great marinara).
At Caroline’s radio show she gets a little nervous because there is a new engineer and he looks like Carmine from Laverne and Shirley. She needn’t worry. What could possibly go wrong with “The Big Ragu” working the board? Like great friends, Jacqueline and Chris are sitting at home listening to the radio show. Jacqueline’s dog, Santino, thinks the show stinks and he sleeps through it. I thought Santino was being really rude. I’m not even mentioning how dangerous and disrespectful a move this is considering the Manzos are about to go to war with all of New Jersey. Santino is going to spend the rest of his life bringing Al Sr. his espresso like Eric Roberts serving Burt Young at the end of Pope of Greenwhich Village.
Chris calls the show and at first Caroline doesn’t know it’s him. Chris explains that no matter how much love he shows his stepdaughter (Ashley) he always feels like he is in second place. When Caroline figures out that it’s her brother calling into the show she almost cries. It’s unfortunate that during one of the most poignant moments in the history of the show there are program directors laughing their balls off over Caroline’s shoulder. It’s a good thing that Christopher and Albie didn’t catch that or those two guys would have been thrown in the dumpsters out back. Then the Manzos would own a radio station. The domination continues. Once the Manzos own their radio station they only play Tony Bennet records and commercials for The Brownstone.
At the Gorga house, Melissa is getting the kids ready for Teresa’s party. She explains to them that Christmas is Jesus’s birthday. In one of the sweetest and most honest things I have seen in a long time, Antonia asks, “How old is Jesus?” Melissa jokingly (I hope) replies, “89.” Normally I would have thought her answer was adorable and sweet, but after all the expressions she has butchered all season, I can’t be sure she wasn’t just taking a guess. That would mean the King was born in 1922. That would have made him eligible for the draft during WWII and instead of Calvary he may have died at Normandy. Totally different New Testament, instead of wearing crosses we would all be wearing German soldiers around our necks. For the record, for our non-Christian readers, despite logic, Jesus wasn’t born at zero. He was born somewhere between 7-9 A.D. That would make him around 2002 years old. 89 is fine with me though.
Joey doesn’t want to stay long at Teresa’s house. He feels that it was inappropriate at the Christening fight for the parents to get involved. I guess that’s what separates the Manzos from the boys in Northern New Jersey. In the Manzo crew, parents are EXPECTED to throw down. Speaking of Manzos…
Caroline is cooking her brains out and she has really lost it. She has gone so crazy that she is actually wearing a GIANTS t-shirt instead of one for the JETS. I’ll give her a pass. I noticed that the Manzo’s dog is wearing a nice new Christmas sweater. I GUARANTEE you that sweater came off of Santino as payback for sleeping during Caroline’s show. Even the dog is gangster in that house.
As the gang eats they begin to speak of New Year’s resolutions. Ashley says hers to Chris, and her resolution is “for you to like me.” I am running out of things to write about Ashley. It isn’t even fun anymore. It’s painfully obvious that Jacqueline and Chris are exceptional parents. To see Ashley treat them this way week after week makes me not even want her on the show. She isn’t even fun to root against anymore. Ashley, God bless you, you’re on your own as far as you and me are concerned. Besides, I’m trying to get into this Manzo crew now and I can’t take sides against Chris.
Note to Joey Gorga: Try not to say, “I’m gonna drink a LOT tonight,” when you are being filmed driving. Just a head’s up, my brother, do your thing.
At the Giudice house Teresa answers the door, and I swear to an eighty-nine-year-old Jesus that I saw the bottom half of her ass hanging out. Teresa’s dress is so small that if she was an old man I would be able to see one of her balls hanging out. Again, watching how much the kids love each other is heart breaking. I am really, really rooting for Joey and Teresa to work this thing out quickly. Teresa’s mom shows up dressed as Santa Claus, and I am hoping that in her bag of gifts for Teresa she has a pair of pants.
As the episode ends, Joey Gorga and Melissa are being sweet and loving to G to the ia. Across the room, Joe Giudice is muttering under his breath that, “They’re freaking animals,” and, “She looks like a freaking raccoon,” and, “She’s a freakin’ witch!’ Slow it down, big poppa. Joey and Teresa are finally getting the band back together and you are starting to act like Melissa. (Don’t kick me.)
This is my blog for the week. Caroline Manzo told me that whatever I wrote to tell all of you that she says, “Ditto!” So there you have it. I am one step closer to being a soldier for the Manzo Empire.
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