The situation was what it was, and I realized at this point that we never had as deep of a friendship as I had perceived it to be. Looking back, it was more of a surface friendship. It was a shallow friendship that had unspoken rules like, "Don't ask questions about me, and I won't ask questions about you. Let's just talk about clothes and hair and then drink, eat, and laugh." I realize that there are all types of different friendships, and I guess I thought we were closer than we actually were. It was a hurtful realization. The problem was that I allowed myself to care too much for someone who clearly didn't want to or wasn't capable of being that close with me. I decided at this point that I was just going to follow Teresa's lead and not expect as much from her. I would just hope for the best. I believed that I could be in her presence and still be civil. I let go of any expectations that I had of her. I knew that our friendship had changed forever. I guess this is the way it had always been, but I just never opened my eyes to it before. I think I gave too much of myself to her, and it was time for me to take a step back and accept this friendship for whatever it was.
For those thinking that I believed every article that came out is completely wrong and ridiculous. I could tell which articles out there were guided by her from the content and the recognition of the lingo that she used around me when it came to speaking of others. I knew she put out some of those articles, but I never knew for sure which articles or which part of the articles were true or not true anymore. I just wanted to hear all the facts from her and not from the things I was reading in the tabloids. How else was I supposed to know unless I heard it straight from the source? It's common sense. Some of the articles worried me, but some of them upset me, because I believed that by putting certain things out there, she was taking a step back instead of moving forward, and it wasn’t in her best interest. It also upset me that she wasn't talking to me about certain things, but instead she was opening up to the tabloids. I really didn't intend to insult her by asking. It did make me re-evaluate our friendship, however. It left me wondering how deep our friendship actually was.
I wanted to be "real" friends. I loved and cared about Teresa with all of my heart, even when I didn't always agree with the way she handled things. I began to realize that unless I was going to be her soldier, stay one step behind her, and not ask questions, this friendship was not going to work. It was frustrating and sad to me, but in the end, it opened my eyes as to what our "friendship" was really all about. I finally took off my rose colored glasses and began to see things for what they truly are. All I can say is all wounds take time to heal.
Woohoo! Napa here we come!