Update on Ashlee's skull tattoo on her hand: she's started the process of having it removed. Thank goodness!
Although it was very hard watching Ashlee move to California when I didn't feel that she was prepared to go out on her own, I had to let her do it. She wasn't a child anymore, she was an adult. She was almost 21 at the time. This is the age that most kids leave the nest to go to college. She was craving her independence. She needed to learn about life through her own experiences. It worried me sick. When you are worried about your kids, it can really mess with your head. It makes it really hard to focus on petty stuff. (If you know what I mean.) I'm happy to say that Ashlee and I are in a much better place with each other now. We have become closer. She has really grown up and has learned a lot. I'm really proud of her. We ALL are.
Hearing the story of Kathy's mother’s upbringing really touched me. I have met her, and she is such a kind-hearted, strong woman. It's amazing how she turned a negative, painful experience in her life into a positive life lesson that gave her strength, the gift of forgiveness, and the ability to love unconditionally. I admire her for sharing her story.
Teresa claims I am into gossiping, yet she was the one always coming to me with gossip, especially about her family. I do think, however, that because I am so forthcoming about my own imperfections and open about sharing the good and bad areas of my life with others, people often feel comfortable opening up to me in return. I have many friends who come to me to vent or who are just looking for support, understanding, and advice. I love my friends, and I cherish my relationships with them. I will always help my friends in any way that I can. How did I know about the apartment above the garage? I saw the construction being done the day I was at Teresa's house talking to her before Jaime's wedding. I also know one of the guys that worked on her house. I was under the impression she was making room for a nanny. I didn't know it was for her parents. Please take note that you never hear Teresa deny the "apartment" on my deck the day of our fight. She only denied getting a new closet. She also never denied it while talking to her brother outside right after the therapy session, when he brought it up to her. I guess in time you will see for yourself.
Was that an admission I heard from Teresa (on camera) that people get paid for putting articles out there? Sounded like one to me. I already knew that, because she’s told me about it before (like with the vow renewal story). I know I should not feel the need to defend myself, but I feel like my integrity is being challenged. I'm disappointed with Teresa for even suggesting that any article in a magazine about her or her family came from me. She's got a lot of nerve to blame shift like that. I can say with all honesty that I NEVER had anything at all to do with those articles that came out regarding Teresa or her family. I like Teresa's family and have no desire to expose them for ANYTHING. I'm not the one with the motive. Let's just leave it at that.
I felt bad for Kathy and Rosie, because right after Teresa looked into Kathy's eyes and claimed that she wanted to be like sisters again, she attempted to throw Kathy under the bus by implying that Kathy didn't accept her sister's sexuality. I don't believe that for one second. I see how loving Kathy is with her. It’s impossible not to love Rosie. I believe that Kathy may have expressed her concern for Rosie being gay knowing that there ARE people that may not accept her, and she probably worried about how that would affect Rosie. Teresa more than likely got it twisted and is now trying to use it against her. I wonder how Rosie will respond to this. I wondered if Teresa even considered how that comment would make Rosie feel or how it could affect the relationship between two sisters who are obviously very close. Maybe it was a calculated move on Teresa's part? I'm tired of trying to understand why Teresa can't let go of her grudges to make an honest attempt to reunite the family. My dad made a good point. Why do I care? I don't know. It's a train wreck that I can't walk away from. It has become so easy for me to get caught up in the middle of the sh-- storm surrounding our show while it's been airing. I decided that I wanted to speak about whatever was on my mind as the show aired to help people see a little of how I got to my breaking point before the Season 3 reunion. I forgot how emotional filming had become for me this season. As I watch the show air, it brings back some pretty strong emotions (mostly negative) that I have been reliving all over again. It's bringing me to a place that is not healthy for me. My reactions are not showing me in the best light. My hurt and anger has been manifesting into bitterness with a desire to speak out against the ones who hurt and disappointed me. I don't like the feeling it's giving me. I realize that we still have to film the reunion show. I keep asking God to please give me the strength to get through it all so I can finally let all of this go and not look back. "This too shall pass" and life will go on. Things in my life have actually been going very well. I'm very happy in every other aspect of my life.
I've been feeling the desire to state my case as if I need others to validate what I'm already feeling and what I already know. It's all pointless. There will always be people that will get it and there will be ones that don't. There will always be people who like me and those who do not. I realize that you don't always know the entire story, so you draw your own conclusions based on what you get to see of our lives. You may think you know everything, but you don't know. You’re only seeing a small portion of our lives, so it's hard for you to get the whole picture. That is why I can't blame people for their conclusions, even though it's frustrating to know that some people don't know what they are talking about. I don't know why I care. I know the truth, and so do the ones that are close to me. That is all that should matter. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have a tremendous support system, so no matter what anybody says to me or about me, I know my life is good and I know I have the love and support from the people I have surrounding me on a daily basis. I remember feeling this same way before the Season 2 reunion with Danielle. I went there armed and ready for battle. I had my gun loaded with plenty of ammunition to win. God knows what I thought I was winning. I had so much dirt on that woman that I was actually looking forward to exposing her, because I felt like she deserved it. Halfway through the reunion, I realized that this need to destroy her with her ugly truths was making me just as ugly of a person as she was. Hate makes you ugly. I didn't want to be that ugly person. It is not who I am. My heart is much too big to be driven to the dark side. I was allowing myself to become someone that I was not proud of. I got control of myself and decided to let go of all the hate, move forward, and not look back. The awkward hug was about letting go of the hate and the fight. She promised to stop harassing my family and move on. (Although she never kept her word.) I didn't want to become that bitter person then, and I don't want to become that person now. I've decided once and for all, to let go of all the hate. I know what I know, and that is all I need to know. I also know that the season is not over yet, and there will be episodes that I will want to respond to in my blogs. For now, I will continue to respond to each episode, but I will try to do so without as much animosity.
See you next week!
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