Adult Meltdowns

Happy Easter everyone! We celebrated at my Mom's house this year - so happy I didn't have to cook. As I was about to take my first bite of ham my Mom yells out, "If I die don't bury me, I want to be cremated." OK, do we really have to talk about that right now? Then we all started arguing about what to do with her ashes. Then my brother says, "I want to be mummified." His wife yells, "I don't want your dead ass hanging around the house haunting me." He yells at her, "NO dumb shit, you can bury me after I'm mummified. I want to look good when I'm dug up one day." So then I started thinking, 'Shit, I don't want to be put in a box and buried six feet under either.' It would be my shit luck I would wake up, I am claustrophobic as hell. I was reminded that it would be next to impossible since your embalmed before your buried. Yes, holidays bring out the craziness in my family! Then I turned on Bravo and watched the preview for New Jersey Housewives and I felt totally normal. It just goes to show you cannot take life seriously, nobody gets out alive, anyway.

This week show was all about surprises, book deals, bling and adult meltdowns.

They start out this week at Zarin Fabrics for a cocktail party. Mario starts up about the tennis game, AGAIN. Please Mario, just let it go! I kept my mouth shut last week about your attitude thinking you were just pissed off about waiting an hour and a half for Simon. So here I go...MARIO GET OVER YOUR BIG SELF, WE LIKED IT BETTER WHEN RAMONA WAS THE CRAZY ONE, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR TWO CRAZIES IN ONE FAMILY! I was happy to see Jill take the high road and let Mario think he was right and end it all. Unfortunately Mario goes after Simon, telling him he looked like he was dressed for 7th grade gym class. Mario you WON, can't you just be happy with that? Do you have to personally attack Simon to make yourself feel better? I actually felt sorry for Simon at that moment. Then I kept watching and changed my mind.

You all know I am a big fan of Bethenny, but when she came out with "think of my vagina as a vase" I had to regroup a moment, as the visual was too much for me to handle. Do you think tu-lips would be appropriate for that vase Bethenny? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I really started to obsess about this and decided that B should set her standards higher. She should think of your va-jay-jay as a slot machine, although the pay off sucks. How about a piggy bank? Or a jewelry box? Or an ATM machine? (Deposits only?) Flowers die and you're left with stale water.

In comes Kelly with her big smile and babyish voice. Hi, Hiiii, HI, Hiiiiii...AMAZING, AMAZING. Heads were turning as she walked in with Max. I'm not sure if it was because their teeth are so white that everyone was momentarily blinded or because Max is HOT. Brad acted like a dog in heat - I expected him to start humping Max's leg by the end of the night. You would have thought the guy hadn't been laid in months.

Kelly and Max's pillow fight might not have been appropriate for the party, but it was cute. They could have taken it a little further and showed it slow motion and really got Brad's panties bunched up.

Bethenny goes over to Ramona's house to support her skin care and jewelry line, only to be thrown under the bus and backed over again. Ramona goes on to say that B is the underdog. OH NO SHE DIDN'T - OH YES, SHE ABSOLUTELY DID!

Instead of putting her foot in her mouth or blaming it on the alcohol, Ramona keeps going on and on. Like I always say, "True friends stab you in the front, not the back." I don't know B that well, but I don't see her as the underdog - maybe the Alpha dog? To me she is a confident, pretty, successful, hardworking, honest broad who is too big of an alpha female to to be lucky in love. I wasn't sure if alpha female was the term, so I looked it up in Urban Dictionary and it said: An Alpha Female is a dominant female in a group. She dates as many males as she wants, is strong and confident, and is a hard worker who is often busy. She is usually sarcastic because she's powerful and playful. Alpha Females are intelligent, intellectual problem solvers; and though being an Alpha Female is more of a state of mind than a physicality, Alpha Females are often terribly misunderstood by Beta and lesser males, as evident by the other posts about Alpha Females, and when this happens, she's called a bitch." That about hits the nail on the head!

B goes on to say that she's "sexually attracted to very few men." So I started to think that maybe B was batting for the wrong team. But then I read the news about Bethenny and A-Rod. (Not sure if it's true, but if it is, you need to take that one ALLLLLLL the way HOME B!)

LuAnn and Bethenny both have book deals. Bethenny is doing a photo shoot and she looks beautiful. LuAnn is in a meeting toasting the success of her book that has yet to hit stands. I wish you both major success. Jill's book should be out soon: Bobby's Lil' Spoiled Brat. You know I'm kidding Jill.

Bobby surprises Jill with a new Mercedes GL 450, which happens to be the same car I have. However I'M rolling on 22's and totally loaded. My iPhone works in my Benz (OK my hubby worked for MB and you can't beat the employee deal.) All Jill could say was "not happy, not happy." Are you kidding me? That car is awesome! With that attitude Bobby should have gotten you a bus pass.

SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS for a purse?! REALLY?

I have to comment on Kelly running down the middle of the street in traffic. What the hell was that? Do people in NY really run in the middle of the street ? I have been to NY and was almost run over by a cab just stepping off the curb. Do that in OC and your ass would be road kill or in jail.

Simon surprises Alex for her birthday. He stands on a street corner with flowers and takes her to buy a pair of earrings. Sweet! Then for the big surprise, he takes her for a ride and plans to confuse her into thinking she is going OUT on the town, NOT home. Housewife says whaaaaaat?

The driver misses his turnoff and Simon goes postal, he literally loses it. "HE IS F'ING RUINING THE SURPRISE...POP GOES THE WEASEL...HAPPY BIRTHDAY." Housewife says whaaaaat?

The look on Alex's face says it all. "Simon, do you see that black box that is staring us in the face? That is what they call a camera, calm your shit down or we will never be invited to fashion week."

They arrived home as though nothing had happened, put on their party hats and ate cupcakes with the kids. Touching, but still strange how it all went down.

OK, last week I said $420.00 is affordable for a dress. What I should have said is $420.00 is affordable for a RED CARPET dress. Typically red carpet dresses cost thousands of dollars, so I thought $420.00 was pretty good. Besides, how many times do you get to walk the red carpet? I also failed to say that the dress was loaned to me. MY BAD!