NOT A Tennis Player

Simon reveals the behind-the-scenes details of the epic tennis match!

“Who the hell said I could play tennis? Not me!”

So it’s FINALLY the tennis match that’s been brewing all season long to a crescendo, particularly after last week’s finger pointing brouhaha by Mario on Jill. Let’s hope it was worth the wait.

In the previous episode’s recap we see a little of the Bethenny/Kelly Brass Monkey meeting as well as the Marona v. Silex one. I touched on this a little on my blog last week but just wanted to add that this fabulous society party with all their friends that they invited us to was an opening on a 10,000 sq ft event space on the far west side of 42nd Street.

The space is called Espace and photos of the evening can be found here. Evidently, Ramona and Mario, and Alex and I were so important that no one deigned to take our picture! :D

So on to this week’s episode and it’s a follow up meeting to Jill’s charity meeting and Kelly join Jill & Allyson. Jill seems to excuse Kelly’s awkwardness at the previous meeting as Kelly has brought 3 great silent auction gifts to the table. Who doesn’t say money talks! Ramona arrives to announce a watch, clothing sponsor, her own skin care line and then reconfirms the TENNIS MATCH and the original date is set.

Alex & Bethenny meet regarding the revamping of Bethenny’s logo and we learn that by asking Alex to redo her logo, Bethenny is flattering her! Puhlease! Bethenny then makes some cryptic comment on judgments that (apparently) LuAnn & Ramona, & ‘a little bit Jill’, have made about Alex’s attempts to ‘get ahead’. That’s a not so subtle dig (or as I say subtle with a Capital B), and as usual way off base. Bethenny shows some remorse about the negative things she’s said about Alex but somehow knowing Bethenny there’ll be plenty more jokes at our expense throughout the rest of the season, all under the guise of making her feel better about herself. Send thee to a shrink!

LuAnn finally ‘does’ Brooklyn! She’s come here to mentor a ‘smart girls’ group of young teenage girls at a Boys and Girls Club in the most popular borough in New York City. Fortunately she introduces herself as Luann deLesseps and not as Countess… A great start! After having them write what they like about themselves all is going well until she goes back on to her ‘Countess’ routine. LuAnn is really likeable but by falling back on her married title schtick, she’s basically saying that if you marry some rich dude then life will be fine. Also I am not so sure she couldn’t have been a little more diplomatic about the young lady who expressed an interest in modeling. There is a burgeoning market for plus size models (Lane Bryant anyone?) and not everyone has to be rail thin. It was great to see her on the basketball court where she seemed much more relaxed, mucking in and having fun. (As I typed this paragraph I received a Google Alert which confused me. Here’s the link – can you too see why I was confused?)

So it’s still(?) move in day at Jill’s condo and the gaudy detail is about to be revealed. Alex and I have been there several times since it was finished and I do have to say to be fair that it looks better to the naked eye than it does on a TV screen. Now I better stop here and go no further as you all might get to see our reveal before the season is out, but P O P for occasional tables?

Now here’s a scene that my then 36 fans have been waiting for. Bethenny introduces her assistant Molly who has the delightful task of explaining re-touched photos to Bethenny. Hope she got some advice from Luann. Apparently someone sent Bethenny an invitation to join my club & we learn that Molly is Bethenny’s FB. Bethenny goes over to our old website and seems to have an issue that we had stated that we never go out on 2 consecutive nights as being with our sons is important to us. After coming out with another (and what by now is getting pretty tired & repetitive) lame comment “they’d go to the opening of a door,” she does redeem herself somewhat by again showing confidence in Alex’s graphic design skills. It seems beyond Bethenny that Alex must have been pretty talented as she wouldn’t have been working for Victoria’s Secret Beauty for the past two years.

Back to Jill’s Condo and Bethenny gets the grand tour of Casa Zarin. They discuss the P O P table and it seems just the O will do. Bethenny states that while it might be OTT it’s Jill and if she’s happy then she has to live there. We finally find out that Justin Gimelstob is lined up to be Jill’s tennis partner but when he calls he sends bad news… something about putting out his back playing with Sampras. Jill sees her grand plans to defeat Marona in shreds until Bethenny comes up with a fabulous suggestion, but it’s time to cut to a message from our sponsors as Bravo want to keep the suspense hanging for another few minutes. I’ll interrupt this message to state that thankfully Bravo aren’t the keeper of the State’s secrets as one division or another let the cat out of the bag weeks ago. Whoever constructs the episode description and sends them to the TV guides and cable TV providers evidently wasn’t aware that Jill’s mystery tennis partner was meant to be a secret. And I won’t mention the weird screen capture that’s been up on BravoTV.com all week. Oh well!

Bethenny suggests that I would be a suitable player not so much to have a chance to beat Marona fair & square but to psych them out so much that the shock might make them flub their tennis. Ah the best made plans…

So Bethenny calls me, which was weird, as I was told to expect a call from Jill, and that’s why I said “Hi Jill” to Bethenny. I was, as I said as “sick as a dog” and when the topic of tennis came up I was honest and said, yes I played as a kid! Now Bethenny was very nice to me on the phone but sure enough as soon as she was back in interview mode the little digs came out. Bethenny likes to known as a straight shooter but keeps on acting the opposite. Anyway Jill & I set up a plan to practice and given how sick I was I had no confidence that I’d be any good in helping her hold on to the RHoNY title she & Luann had won last year.

It’s MaxMaxTime & KellyTime! as they seem to dine in an empty Jazz Club. Has anyone else noticed that as Kelly stares at Max she seems to steal Ramona’s eyes? Kelly oohs and aahs and giggles a lot, and while I can say from experience that at these televised tete a tetes it is a little hard to conduct any meaningful conversation, I do think that even Alex & my “I love you so much” “I love you so very much” was better than this. But what do I know?

Jill and I front up to practice and I am not backwards in coming forwards in stating that my serve is going to suck & she shouldn’t expect any miracles. Of course I forgot the HUGE difference between playing singles & doubles, but more on that later.

Second time in Bethenny’s apartment tonight and Alex is visiting to take some shots (photos not pot-shots – that’s Bethenny’s MO). Again Bethenny states that Alex is ‘talented’ but has no idea what she’s going to get & it suddenly dawned on me that she’s trying to convince herself and not Alex.

FINALLY the tennis, but first I had to wait for 90 minutes stuck in the back seat of a tiny car as no one, the audience or anyone arriving at the club was meant to see me. This delay seemed to go on forever & my 6’3” frame being crammed into the backseat on some little car was hardly conducive for having relaxed legs to run around a tennis court. Finally the show had to go on & so Alex was sent out to see if she could get Ramona on to the court, but this seemed destined to be the match that never happened! Both Mario & Ramona seemed very nervous about whom Jill was going to pluck out of her hat but Ramona just wouldn’t budge.

Jill walks onto the court to Mario telling her that she was 10 minutes away form forfeiting according to USTA rules. Fun match planned much? Anyway I was told the coast was clear and started the walk to the court and sure enough Ramona walks back into the foyer and a friend of hers saw me and the surprise was blown.

Ramona to her credit didn’t flip but her steely glaze said it all -- neither Mario nor Ramona were happy. I think the surprise flopped.

We start the game (after stripping the plastic off my borrowed racket’s handle), my nose is clogged and my limbs are stiff. Yup! Just the ideal situation to be in when starting to play a competitive and hyper serious game of tennis. And let’s just say we were being slaughtered! Suddenly I realized perhaps I’d be better off wearing my glasses and sure enough they made a little difference! Who woulda thunk! And now they were off their game a little, maybe the psyching was working as suddenly Jill was on fire & even I hit a winner. But the damage had been done, we were whipped and even Jill admitted that if I’d played as I’d done earlier we’d have had a chance. I don’t know about that but shall we have a rematch Season 3? Any coaches out there who want to help me?

Oh so next week I lose it in a limo. Not at the driver and not at Alex. Mmmmm. How am I going to be able to explain that one!

Till then…

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