Cast Blog: #RHONY

Cut the BS

Tamra Barney talks fashion show throwdowns and coming from a place of NO.

 

Last week Simon and I met up with Bethenny at her book signing in LA. She is very entertaining and I'm thinking she could be a stand-up comedian. B was nice enough to send me her book Naturally Thin a few weeks a go and I have to say it is really good. Naturally Thin describes exactly how I have been eating for years. I eat every thing, but not at once. It's about balance and moderation. Try it!

LuAnn showed up at the event, looking very tall and gorgeous (she has legs all the way up to her ears.) I was a little scared that Luann was going to be a little offended by my weekly blog. To my surprise, she is nothing like she is portrayed on the show and she has a great sense of humor. She even admitted the whole "Countess" thing is a little over played. After the book signing we went to a fabulous restaurant in Beverly Hills and knocked down a few cocktails. Drunk Bethenny was even more fun the Sober Bethenny. And Luann started talking about herself as the COUNTESS. As we walked out I saw Stevie Wonder and his wife and I swear he was checking out my ass. OK, bad joke!

I hope most of you know that my blog is pure sarcastic humor and entertainment. If you are easily offended and you're looking for proper grammar and spelling, then don't read it. With that said, let's see who pissed me off this week!

I tried so hard to listen to her talk, but I couldn't stop staring at the life sized horse in her living room. How the heck did they get that horse in there and why?

Well, well, well - we finally got to see more of Kelly: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. This week's show actually opens up with Kelly sitting in her dinning room with her assistant going over her "invitation overload." I tried so hard to listen to her talk, but I couldn't stop staring at the life sized horse in her living room. How the heck did they get that horse in there and why? Then my mind started to wander. Can you imagine the parties Kelly has and things people do to that horse when they are drunk? Oops. Focus, Tamra!

So far the whole season is about fashion shows and charity events. Jill is cracking me up this season. She is ACTING a little bit and it shows. When Jill walked out of the dressing room with that red and black one shoulder Zang Toi dress on, I cried, cried, I tell you. I wanted that dress so damn bad and knew there was NO way I would spend that kind of money on a dress. Jill - the economy is bad, can you help a fellow housewife out? I thought Jill looked great in everything and her body is banging. Zang Toi was so adorable I just wanted to put him on a chain and hang him around my neck. How cute was he in his kilt and shaved legs yelling at Jill to stop eating?

At the Russell Simmons fashion show, Simon was determined to find out why Ramona doesn't like him. I look at it differently - it was an opportunity for him to be a camera whore. You have to hand it to Simon - he knows how to work it. He repeatedly asks Ramona why she doesn't like him and begs her for a kiss. C-R-E-E-P-Y! News alert, if someone doesn't like you, the last thing they want to do is kiss you. I was proud of Ramona - she didn't back down. I think her exact words were, "You have no depth, you're shallow and you're feminine." She should have thrown in, "And your mama dresses you funny!"

Zang Toi was so adorable I just wanted to put him on a chain and hang him around my neck. How cute was he in his kilt and shaved legs yelling at Jill to stop eating?

LuAnn and Kelly went shopping at Malo. Kelly walked up in black shorts and I started singing ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs." LuAnn and Kelly both have the legs working for them and look like they could possibly be sisters. Kelly looked a little uncomfortable as LuAnn tired on clothes. LuAnn tried so hard to get Kelly to try things on and Kelly kept saying, "No, No, NO." Remember she comes from the place of NO. I just don't understand Kelly. She is a model that hates trying on clothes? She is a journalist that can't seem to enunciate? She is a very private person that signs on to a reality show? Something here is not adding up.

Jill and B go to dinner and we find out that B clearly does not like Kelly. In her words, she broke it down! I disagree with Jill - I don't think the animosity between Kelly and B has anything to do with competition. I think B can see right through Kelly's BS and does not like fake people. High five on that one!

Jill decides she is going to lay it on the line and send a message to Kelly: Get those tits under control! Bobby doesn't need to see anyone's nipples besides mine. I would like to ask Bobby what he thinks.

So there they were at yet another fashion show. Bethenny meets Kelly in the lobby, only to be dogged when someone better walks up. Well that's a fine how do you do! You could see the tension in the air between Kelly and B as they tried so hard to make small talk. B tells Kelly she is not that into fashion. I beg to differ. Lady B is quite the fashion biscuit in my eyes. Kelly talks about how B is so tightly wound, and I was thinking, 'Kelly, you better shut up before she slaps you in the forehead!'

I think B can see right through Kelly's BS and does not like fake people. High five on that one!

They save the best scene for last - the charity meeting. Kelly walks in 30 minutes late, according to her she is much too busy to be on time. Jill explains to Kelly why Ally was there and that Ally has arthritis. Kelly tilts her head and says, "That's cute." All I could think at that moment was, "Ass sphincter says whhhhaaat?" "That's cute," is all she could come up with? This girl has to be talking out of her backside.

As the meeting went on, it only got worse. Kelly does not want to lend her name to anything and, according to Bethenny, comes from a place of NO. Jill steps in and gives what I feel was a subliminal message to the producers at Bravo: "That's OK, it is better with the 5 of us." Like I keep saying, why is Kelly on the show? Then the moment we all had been waiting for - Lady B's best one liner of the season. "Apparently she thinks she's Madonna." I laughed so hard it started to hurt. I think I like it better when it is the Bethenny show!

Next week's episode looks like it is going to be catfight heaven. Bring it on!

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Carole says what she really thinks of Aviva and all of her talk about her book and things being "ghetto."

Dear Fans,

Let me start with something I stole it from Twitter this week. "The most dangerous liars are those who think they are telling the truth."

I'll say it again. The blonde at the end of the right couch, the one who's prone to lobbing limbs and insults, is an Insulting. Bitch. Some of you didn't believe me. Maybe some of you still don't. But after watching the reunion shows I imagine it's harder and harder to cheer for the anti-hero. Just when you think she can't get any faker she does.

The story according to Aviva makes me laugh: We were arguing, she insulted me, I called her a psychopath and that prompted her to affectionately compliment me on my age. Sure. Her disdain for the intelligence of the audience is palpable. It was too stupid for me to even reply. But as I was watching the reunion, and particularly Aviva and the way she treats people, I was reminded of something my Grandma Millie used to say. (I love everything Grandma Millie used to say.) "At 25, you have the face you're born with. At 45 you have the face you deserve."

I'd rather be 50 and me than be 45 and Aviva, any day of the week. She aged worse this season than a president in his first term. Holy short dress, I don't mind at all how I look. Overbite and all. I'll take it.

When I first met Aviva she was lovely. Really lovely. I meant what I said on the couch, I wish we had seen more of that. Her easy laugh and funny neurotic ways. Instead all we saw was a mean and angry woman. All because I asked her if she hired a writer -- a writer she did hire. It makes no sense. Three years ago she told me she'd read my memoir, What Remains. This was a book published in 2006 about my childhood, my family, my career and marriage, and then the death of my husband, Anthony Radziwill. A man I loved more than anyone I had loved before or have loved since. She gushed over my book. She quoted from it. We hugged. She seemed so sincere. Flash forward and she now believes it was written by a ghostwriter. She even knew his name, and it wasn't Truman Capote. It was Bill Whitworth, she told me. She repeated this over and over to anyone who would listen. And it doesn't matter how many times she repeats it -- it will never make it true.

When they stopped listening she started saying in the press and on social media that not only was my book written by someone else but that it was not my place to have written a book about my life, and my marriage. And, as if I didn't remember, she reminded me that I'd written about people who had died. Um, yeah. I know. It was my husband and my family and my closest friend who died. Just. . .wow. But I wasn't important enough to tell my story because my husband's family was famous, or historic or whatever she said. Because they had money and privilege and yachts. Really. Who do I think I am?

I’ll tell you. I’m a girl from upstate New York who grew up in a loving, if sometimes kooky, Italian working class family. I worked for everything I earned, just like my parents did and their parents before them. I have a proud family history of hard work and small but precious rewards that followed. My family won't be in any history books. I didn't grow up privileged. We didn't spend summers in Europe or Christmas in Palm Beach. A day spent at the town pool or playing in the woods behind our house was great. Much like Heather, I was taught strong values and decent manners. I learned to live with integrity and honesty. I'm proud of my upbringing and the woman I became, as was my husband. As is his family to this very day. I've known people who lived in what Aviva would consider the "ghetto" who have more class and decency than she shows.

All this talk about class and ghetto -- you'd think we were living in communist Russia. Here is the thing. This is America. In our country it doesn't matter a lick where you are from, it only matters where you're going. So don’t let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough because you didn’t grow up on Park Avenue or in a family that had some history, or because you enjoy saying mother-f---er now and then. I’ve met people from all walks of life. I spent time in refugee camps in Southeast Asia, and in the projects of Chicago. I've been to State dinners with Presidents. I met the Queen of England on a beach in Anguilla. No one is any more valuable or important than you are. No one is more important than your family and your friends.

Let the elitists go slow into the night.

In spite of the BookGate dust up I had a great time this season. I made wonderful new friends in LuAnn and Kristen and my friendship with Heather is more special and important to me than I could have ever imagined just three years ago. Friends have each other's backs. I love her, madly. And while we didn't always act appropriately, we had a lot of laughs. I hope you did too.

Thank you all for your supportive and funny and brilliant tweets. And while we didn't all agree on everything all of the time I enjoyed your participation in the show. Even the mean tweets about my skinny neck and my overbite were amusing. Like I said, I've stolen some tweets already. You may see others as dialogue in my next book, and yes, you can all say you were my ghostwriters.

As always,

With love, Writer Girl xoxo

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