Closing a Horrible Chapter

I wasn't surprised to see how upset Jill was at LuAnn's event. She decided that she was completely done with me, she regretted it, and she didn't like that she was the last one to know everything that was going on in my life.

I believe that Jill wanted to patch things up with me, but her motives are questionable. There have been so many events that have transpired, and I have to stand by my current feelings. I really want to be happy and positive during this incredible time. I really don't want to get mired in the roller coaster drama of the show. My entire perspective and priorities have changed since Jill and I became friends, and I have to respect my relationship and where I am in my life. I am simply following my heart and hope that Jill one day finds the happiness that she needs in her life.

Everything Ramona said when I called her on the way to see my father was totally spot on. We often know the truth, but we simply want to hear someone else say it. Our circumstances with our fathers are definitely different, yet losing a parent with a tumultuous history between you is something very difficult. I appreciate her listening and I thought her input was sincere.

I would never have been even remotely resolved in my life (I'm only part of the way there, btw) had I not made that visit. I can't sugar coat it. It was brutal. My father really wasn't very kind to me, I experienced a lot of anger, resentment and sadness, and it was complete torture. That said, it did close a horrible chapter for me. For that I am grateful.

Jill was more concerned about the "start spreading the news" aspect of this particular situation. This wasn't very surprising. Jill knew prior to the party that he had passed away. That was why she texted Alex earlier. I'm not sure why she felt the need to rip Ramona about it. Some things I will never understand. When Jill and I were still friends, she knew that my father was very ill. Plus, Alex told Jill that my father was very ill previously in the season, so this was no surprise to her.

The difficult part about discussing my father's health on camera was respecting a level of his privacy. I didn't go into very specific details of his illness because it is his business. By the same token, this is my truth and my reality. When I agreed to do this show three years ago, I committed to be honest with the audience about my life and my experiences. In many circumstances, I don't separate my TV life with my personal life. I respect that this is a "reality" show so I try to keep it real.