Selfish Love and Finding Mr. Right
Jill Zarin's mother, Gloria, responds to reader comments and questions.
Have a question for Jill Zarin's mother, Gloria? Post your questions in the comments below and check back next week for Gloria's widsom and advice!
Several months ago my partner of two years ended our relationship saying that, although he still loved me, he was no longer "in love" with me; I was devastated. But as time has passed we seem to have grown even closer. We live only a few minutes away from each other, so we're constantly together and always enjoy each other's company. All signs indicate that we're together again, but I'm too afraid to ask if we are, for fear that he'll say no. Should I initiate a conversation, or wait for him to make the first move?
I know this answer will upset you, but you asked me for advice and I must be truthful. This young man appears to be quite selfish. On one hand, he told you of his platonic feelings, and on the other he takes up most of your time. Time that you may need to meet other people. I don't see this relationship moving forward in the direction you want. You need to reiterate your feelings and then you will find out his true intentions. For your sake, I hope that this will not hurt you again. I hope your future will be a happy one.
Gloria, you are such a strong and powerful woman. I have been having such a difficult time with my youngest daughter it's been difficult to talk with her. Can you give any advice?
Thanks for writing. You haven't told me your daughter's age. If she is a teenager, it's tyical for her to be secretive, uncommunicative. It goes with the territory. If, however, she is and adult, perhaps it would be appropriative to meet for the day. Ask her what she would prefer to do for the day, just the two of you. She just might open up a bit. Keep trying. She will come around.
What would you do if someone showed up for dinner at your home 45 minutes earlier than the time you had agreed on? Would you confront the situation? This happened to me recently and I thought it was completely unthoughtful on their part. Thanks in advance for your advice.
How did you react when they arrived? You didn't specify who "they" were. Family, friends. acquaintances? That is a very important question. If they were people who you were close to, I would not take offense at all, but rather embrace them and encourage them to pitch in and help. If they were new acquaintances, I would not take issue, but refrain from inviting them again until they reciprocated. Don't get overloaded with minor mistakes. Life is too short. Better early than late! That is a dinner no-no!
I absolutely love your advice! That is why I thought I would take a chance and ask you you advice on how a 49-year old shiksa can find true love. I don't look 49, actually no one believes I'm 49, and I take very good care of myself. I have been divorced for over 25 years and have no children. I have dated, but just can't seem to find a good man. I have a good career in advertising and live in the suburbs of D.C. If you have any words of wisdom on how to meet a decent, caring, funny, God-fearing man, please let me know. If you don't...I still love your down-to-earth Motherly advice.
I wish I had a genie in a bottle, but I don't. I do know that sitting home is not the answer. Try taking up golf or tennis. Try one of the internet matchmaking companies. Over the years I am sure you have had opportunities to meet men and have dated. Unfortunately, the "right" one has not appeared. Keep trying. You never know. I wish you luck.
I've never had a serious boyfriend and I'm 21 years old. I have been upset lately that maybe I will be single forever since I haven't been in a meaningful relationship yet. Do you think I have reasons to worry that I'll never find someone?
You are so young to be worried about your future. Life is stretched out before you : romance, career, travel, and all that the world has to offer. Don't worry! Just enjoy life and expand your horizons. School, sports, travel, all have a place in your exciting life. Believe in yourself!
Happy (almost) Passover! I am a huge fan of yours and after the words of wisdom you gave Bethenny on the show I am thrilled to have the chance to ask you for some of your advice. I am a single Jewish gal (I actually grew up in Woodmere, NY like your lovely girls) and I never had a grandma around to have those special conversations I am sure you have with Ally and all of your grandchildren. Which is why I wanted to see if I could borrow some advice from you now, when I am at a sort of crossroads in my life. I am 22 and my mother has been hinting at my getting married. I have been away at college for four years and have never had a boyfriend. I have great friends, I live with six of the sweetest girls and all their boyfriends adore me like a sister, I have many guy friends but for some reason I never seem to be able to open myself to a man and let him know me like I let my friends know me. I am guarded and for so long I thought it was simply something I would grow out of but I am at a crucial time of my life and do not know how to take down this wall of mine and let myself love and be loved. I truly am ready, I just don't know how to go about letting myself be 'out there.'
Thank you for listening, Gloria.
Thank you for writing. You obviously have created a "wall" to protect yourself from getting hurt. Counseling is definitely in order asap. I don't have the answers you need to go to the next step. After counseling, if you feel you need someone to talk to, please write me again. This is not a cop out but a plea for you to get some help.
Wishing you well,