Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls

Bravotv.com's Associate Editor ponders the portrait, parades, thugs in cocktail dresses, and drinking at lunch.

Oh my, this episode -- so much to delight in! We might as well have called this episode "Potent Quotables." The ladies were ablaze with witticisms, and also anger. Oof. But when have you been to a march (or "parade" as David Arquette called it on Watch What Happens Live) without a brawl breaking out? I've from Louisiana. I've been to Mardi Gras enough times to understand how fraught with tension an organized walk can be.

A Speech Grows in Brooklyn

After being  silenced at the march, Simon finally regaled us with the speech at the after-party in Brooklyn. It was inspired, mostly because Simon had the amazing fantastical literary ability to place himself into another dimension -- a dimension when Alex was a man. While obviously this was a flight of fantasy to illustrate his point, some of his listeners (Sonja) seemed a bit confused about what this might illustrate about his dating preference. When you make an assumption about jackets and speeches, you make a. . . .well, you know the rest dear readers.

Queens Countess Pearl of Wisdom

This was a very very close tie. LuAnn had two nuggets of witty wisdom this week. While her assertion that she would have kicked Alex out of her house "just for the dress," (please refer to her blog for further illumination on the offending outfit), it was her bon mot about lunchtime drinking that really resonated with me. (Yes, I realize my bosses are reading this. Nothing they don't know.) LuAnn mentioned to Sonja "Nobody drinks at lunch anymore. It's so boring." So very true. This is a national issue, LuAnn. If you could record a song about it, or perhaps make it the crux of your next etiquette tome, I'd be greatly appreciative. Perhaps bond together with this week's Top Chef Masters guest judge Christina Hendricks to form a Mad Men-style revitalization of day drinking. Get to it ladies. Pink champagne for everyone! 

The Bronx Bomber

Oh, dear sweet Kelly. Your brief appearance at the African Foundation/Gucci fundraiser sent Ramona in a tailspin. As if her table was a warzone, Ramona had to redraft her placecard strategy. I myself have never played Risk, but imagine it to be just like this: the constant rearranging of players, the moving of tiny pieces of paraphernalia, the pre-meditated game plans. Suddenly the entire plan of attack seating was shaken to the core. It's all going to be fine Ramo! She's not staying. She's making a brief buzz-by. The placecards can stay as they are. Once the dust has settled, you can return to your pinot grigio and "Pocahontas." Park the Ramonacoaster and enjoy your evening.

Take the Staten Island Ferry Out of Here

There was a fair share of tiffing this episode (Jill just wants to be left alone Alex! She and Ginger just want to march in peace!). But nothing compared to the Sonja and Alex fight. Sonja set the tone of the issue by "forgetting" Simon's name, and then you could tell by Alex's immediate facial reaction this was not going to go well. You know a fight has gotten serious when it becomes mobile. At one point (about 2:02 into the video) Sonja was just leading Alex through the house like the Pied Piper as the verbal assaults rolled on. This walk could have gone on forever, with them sparring into the street, onto the subway, across the Manhattan bridge and right past Simon into Alex's abode. Sonja accused Alex of having the worst manners. Alex accused Sonja of being a "Thug in a Cocktail Dress," and the world was forever changed. The lexicon now has a new way to refer to Sonja Morgan, or anyone else who is giving you a bit too much muscle while wearing a delightfully prim outfit. Do you remember those Homie figurines? If someone could produce those wearing cocktail dresses we could make a mint. Also how amazing was LuAnn and Cindy's arrival? Perfect timing ladies!

Manhattan Major Moment

What is art? As a former art history minor, I suppose I should know, but I'm one of those let the work speak for you types. Therefore I present to you Brian's portrait of Sonja. Is it the greatest piece of artwork in Housewives' history? You decide. Is it leaps and bounds above the work of Jack Dawson in Titanic? For sure. Sorry Leonardo DiCaprio's art double, you have been trumped. Take your charcoals and meet your watery demise knowing you have been bested by one of Sonja Morgan's conquests. There's no need for Sonja to have her draw her "like one of you French girls." She's got her own artist on retainer.

Next week is all about hair removal and wine, so really just a regular episode. I'll be lunchtime drinking in anticipation.

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