Did you take a Hummer to get here? I hope not because Hummers are déclassé. If you did arrive in a limousine complete with gels to give you just the right amount of sunset in the back window then we’re a go, so let’s get started.
The Queens of Pop (and Popping People’s Bubbles)
LuAnn is full steam ahead creating the perfect music video (which it is). It needs to full represent the message of beauty and elegance she so desperately wants to convey. More jets. Less non-professional dancers. Locations that with initials that could also be Air Conditioning. And no hummers -- because as LuAnn says, “when I think of beauty, class, and elegance, I don’t think of Hummers.”
While LuAnn is planning an MTV Moon Man-worthy clip, the other ladies are busy deciding if they want to be part of the production. Sonja and Ramona discuss if it’s a mother’s place to appear in music videos while working out. Though Sonja initially seems excited, Ramona has her feeling less enthused by the end of their elliptical. After, Alex and Simon discuss the irony between the word “Count” and another c-word of note, Alex asserts that she's staunchly anti the word "class" and is definitely not going to make an appearance.
Then LuAnn and Ramona have "Chic" chat. Finally the truth is revealed -- Ramona doesn't want to be in the video because she doesn't want to make it better. But even if her cameo is contingent on slighting The Countess, she still has some barbed comments about LuAnn's parenting -- and marriage. Things elevated really quickly, and in the Real Housewives roshambo this is a fight that seems pretty equally yoked. However, LuAnn pulls the ripchord pretty quick, and the matter is buried. . .for now.
The Manhattan Brain Scan Project
It's been a season of doctor visits for the ladies, and Jill’s brain scan might usurp her dentist visit with Cindy as my favorite. Watching Jill fill out the questionnaire and inquire of the doctor about her various personality points was such a delight (Jill: “Would you call me a loner?” Doctor: “You decide.”) What’s perhaps most glorious is the fact that Jill knows not what the brain scan is for, but she’s doing it “because it’s free.” This is the medical equivalent of a free sample. "What’s that you've got out on that tray Costco? Sure I’ll eat it if it’s free." She's doing that -- but with medicine!
This is FREE!
As Jill’s brain is prodded and poked, Jill and Sonja discuss the video. Perhaps it’s the brain scan machine on Jill’s head giving her keen intuition, but she immediately realizes Ramona and Sonja have already discussed the video. And despite Jill’s checking "guilt" on the list of personality traits, her attempts to talk Sonja into appearing don’t work. Perhaps if that cap had been a wig, as she wished, it would have been more convinced.
No Woman Is a Staten Island, Which is Why People Have Non-eating Assistants
Sonja Morgan is a busy lady. She doesn’t always have time for leisurely toaster oven breakfasts. Therefore when she decided to host Cindy for a mid-morning nosh she was skipping a dance class to make those Easy Bake eggs. As Cindy ascended the stairs escorted by the French-tern, it seemed like these two had put the pecking order pet peeves to rest and finally moved on to a place where they could eat eggs freely.
Until Cindy took a call. . .
You see Cindy does the small meals, so it was already lunch or pre-dinner by the time they ate. And work beckoned, so she enlisted her assistant to come along and not eat and keep the call a rolling. Perhaps she should have rescheduled brunch? Perhaps she should have let her assistant eat? Perhaps she should have had her act as a proxy eating the eggs and saying Cindy-like quotes during the business meeting? Who am I to say? All I can guarantee that this was surely the last time the toaster oven dinged that a meal was done for Ms. Barshop.
Bonus Borough: Atlantic City
Though it’s outside of the contingent five boroughs I have to give some major props to Atlantic City, the set piece for LuAnn’s “Chic C’est La Vie” clip. The video shot was such a phenomenal exercise in fabulousness I can barely describe it, so I'll limit it to my two favorite parts. Obviously Kelly's description of the extreme injustices against the Number 8 is first, but amongst Jill's many helpful instructions about the best production choices to make was a nugget of truth that I adored so much. As the ladies threw their chips in the air, Jill remarked what a once in a lifetime opportunity it was to be in a casino privately and be able to "just throw s--t all over the table." True facts. It's something I'll always pine for myself.Escape to Brooklyn
While LuAnn and Co. were off rolling dice, Sonja and Ramona went to Brooklyn to attend an art show at the McCord Mansion. We learned a whole lot about Sonja and Ramona and their friendship on this trek to the outer boroughs which I’ll outline below.
- Sonja takes supplements which are designed to make her more supple and less raisin like.
- According to how pitch perfectly it was performed, Sonja and Ramona have not only seen Mommie Dearest on many occasions, they are also pros at jumping up and down reciting “No more wire hangers."
- Sonja occasionally refers to her breasts as “the art."
- Sonja and Ramona call Brian “The Heater.”
And as if those aren’t precious enough, we see Ramona having a bit of second-hand embarrassment, in a rare turn of events when Mario’s doing out of turn speaking. When Simon thanks the crowd for hoofing it to BK, Mario remarked basically “You’re welcome.” Ramona was a little mussed, but managed to move past it -- she is "the party" after all.
The Boogie Down Bronx
As a long-time Dougier, my heart was actually bursting at the seams to see the blondes unite in dance. Dancing against the oppression of the “Chic,” Avery ushered Ramona, Sonja, and Alex into modern moves with a class that taught them, the Dougie, the Rerun, and the Cat Daddy. I wish that I had videotape of my own eyes as they darted back and forth between the ladies taking in every nuance of their movement. Sonja said, “I may not be getting Dougie Fresh, but I was getting Sonja Fresh.” Yes, yes you were. Perhaps Sonja Fresh could become a line of fast-food restaurants like Baja Fresh, but everything is made in the toaster oven and the staff has to Dougie the food out to you (so it’s sort of like a Sonic). Alex also didn’t feel like her moves were perhaps up to par, but I found myself transfixed. Did you?
Next week we find out what is more unforgettable -- LuAnn dueting with Natalie Cole or Ramona taking a pregnancy test on a moving boat.