This Party's Got Everything
Our Associate Editor discusses this week's big birthdays and the problem with hypnotists
Hello NYCers. Happy birthday? Is it not your birthday? It's everyone else's (Jill, Avery, Victoria, Murray Hill's), so let's celebrate as though it was our own. Pass the cupcakes and pinot. It's party time.
Rent Staten Island for Your Next Sweet 16
You remember your Sweet 16 right? Your parents rented out that club, and you had ice luges and acrobats. You had a party planner, and the theme was winter sports.
Oh that didn't happen. Me either. However if you're the daughter of Ramona or LuAnn that is exactly how it happened. Both Real Housemoms decided to throw a party of a "certain level." Ramona's level is "Have Avery shoot down all your plans and then just don't tell Avery what you're going to do" level, while LuAnn is mocktails-only-themed.
And, surprise! The dueling sweet shindigs are on the same night -- a dilemma that reminded me of Jill sitting in the back of a limousine looking at invitations in Season 1. How would the ladies choose which youngster they wanted to fete? A coin toss? Feats of strength?
A Visit to the Bronx Hospital
Meanwhile Jill is throwing a bit of a party on her face. All of the liquid fillers are invited. Mrs. Zarin is getting a liquid facelift -- though not before having her sister explain financial solvency to Sonja who came to the doctor for moral support. I'm not sure how much of the Econ 101 went through to Sonja before the ladies went back for the injections, but Sonja seems to be holding up well. So kudos to her.
I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as when the daughter said, "you're just afraid." Nope she's not afraid lady, she is literally harmonizing in pain. Fear does not cause grown women to yelp in perfect pitch. Jill Zarin is like The Four Tops of physical suffering. Inject her with fillers and she will sing out to the heavens --as long as you get your eyebrows too while you're in there.Manhattan -- the Theater and Arts Capital of the World
So let's talk about Jill Zarin's birthday. I mean, really? There is just so very much to delight in at every turn. It's like a Stefon sketch from Saturday Night Live.
This party's got everything:Josephine Baker's son who looks like a miniature Elton John, a magician turning red spongeballs into slightly differently shaped spongeballs, the same magician interrupting Ramona to show her bigger money, Simon in a caftan, a drag king named Murray Hill, a drag queen LuAnn singing "Like Being With Jill," a painting of Ginger as a courtesan.
Sure it was a little narrow (Ramona), but everyone showcased their talents (Bobby's being how much he adores Jill) and all of the above parties were present.
How about when the drag king told Simon he dresses like a lesbian? I'm not saying anything -- but Murray, we've got a few other outfits of his we'd love to get your commentary on.
Let's just watch this magic moment again, shall we?
Keep this in mind young Victoria and Avery -- you may think you're hot stuff now with your fire-eaters and your snowmachines, but your mom's still can out party you.Brooklyn: A Smoker's Paradise
Back in Brooklyn Simon is trying to quit smoking (there's a joke there smoking after last week's lingerie tryst, but I'll let you make that for yourself, leave them in the comments).
Jacob the hypnotist is there to show off his flashy paisley puffy vest and utilize his talents to help Simon stop his bad habit. Simon admits that he's quit cold turkey twice before, but just wants to have one more cig before this whole things starts. Can he just, step out, for just like a second. . . real fast. . last one.
After the final cig, Jacob begins to tell him -- YOU ARE A NON-SMOKER. YOU ARE A NON-SMOKER, with some infliction that really was quite impressive. Simon snaps out of it and immediately wants to brush his teeth. Which either means that it worked or that he has impeccable hygiene. Either way, progress, right? Then Jacob takes his puffy, paisley vest away and we're left to see if this Aussie can keep it up.
No, Mario, Those Are Not Queens Beds
After seeing Avery out and about with her gals and Cindy wearing an apparently smelly, yet rather awesome jacket to the gym, it's finally party time.
Avery gives the initial A plus to the party. Mario on the other hand gives an F minus to the beds that company brought in -- for the future boyfriend of Avery is not allowed to close the curtains around the beds. They're seats Mario, it's just a big seat that happens to look like a sleeping place. Relax! Find out what happened to the wine!
In contrast to the winter wonderland at Avery's shindig, Victoria's festivus was darkness and fire-eaters. According to Kelly's predictions Victoria is going to be "a Marc Jacobs muse or working for French Vogue in five years," so I might have chosen to attend that fete just for the job opportunities it presented. "Hello yes, I am a friend of Victoria's. I also look great in over-large flannel shirts and successfully completed three years of high school Francais."
In the end most people managed to go to both, except for Sonja who opted for the adult party with adult foods.
After Kelly has drawn the battle lines between the adults and Avery and LuAnn has left Victoria to have her fun, Bobby decides to really get the party vibe going by confronting Simon about a Jill Zarin hate website. Simon swears non-involvement and declines Mario's offer to take it to the patio and the men shake on it. They're on the same page. . . the same webpage (NERD JOKE).
Though, I'm not so sure that's the case, as next week once again the ladies (this time Jill and Simon) are embroilled in an argument that gets to "It's weird levels." Stay tuned!