Cast Blog: #RHONY

Drinking, Lying, Screaming

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

Drinking, Lying, Screaming

Carole ponders what lead up to the "white trash" bust-up and discusses the mating habits of Bonobos.

Do you get the feeling that everyone is off their meds this episode? I need a Xanax just watching it, some of this I hadn't seen until now. Does anyone have a Xanax?

It inspired me, though, I found the title of my next novel -- a thinly-veiled roman a clef about six women and a pirate in paradise and the hijinx that ensue. I’m calling it: “Drinking, Lying, Screaming.”

Let’s start with the scream, the one heard round the world. I should never have left the main house that night. I should have stayed. But there was my hair to consider and an outfit change -- my boyfriend was waiting. Aviva had arrived in one piece, passed her presents all around, kisses and hugs went back and forth and Reid was thank-you’d and tucked in his room with emails and business. All was well. Jean Batiste made canapés with dip, the sky if I were to step out from beneath the bar and look up was full of stars, the moon was bright. Music floated out from the well-placed speakers, the pinot flowed free in red and white, and happy laughter echoed across the island. The ocean lapped onto Saline beach in what sounded like faint applause behind me.

“I did it!” I thought, and patted myself imaginarily on the back. “I pulled off the hat trick.”

I thought I had merged the crazy lot of us into one $40 million house, seamlessly. A cloudless blue-skied day had melted into a star-filled night. It was perfect. It was ripe for calamity. It was the kind of night where no one expects anything to happen, and so it does. I should have known.

I’m no stranger to the Goddess Fortuna. In ways both good and bad -- she could care less -- she steers our fate. And she favors the prepared. She sneaks into five-bedroom, three pool, two-guest bungalow, wait-staffed homes when all is calm, and she throws up a clatter. I was unprepared.

But let’s start at the beginning when things are still light and sexy.

Our pirate is back!

How many of you feel bad for our pirate? English is his second language and he is even less fluent in the language of deceit. He looks confused, LuAnn looks tense, Ramona looks like a wolf going in for the kill. She’s relentless, she’s like a dog with a T-bone. And unfortunately for LuAnn  -- and her cock and bull story -- the one thing Ramona isn’t this time, is crazy.

 

So what really happened, will anyone ever know? Will the Italians ever show up? Wait, rewind, did our pirate just say “body double?” That’s it! It wasn’t him, it was his double, which is as plausible as a group of Italians any day and also begs the question: What does Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow double’s double look like? It’s your lucky day, guys, because I found a picture. He looks like this:

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Housewife Rule #39:
“Don’t talk on the phone behind the camera’s back.”

Why? Because it will always bite you in the ass. LuAnn forgot the rule. She wasn’t the only one.

LuAnn is like a dog with a boner the way she pursues these Italians and their friendships. I did it Italian-style last night, now I do it French-style. She won’t let up. No one believes her Italian story, not even our pirate when he is beaten into submission by Sonja and says Yes! Yes! It was him. They went out drinking together. Wow, that’s all? What a letdown.

Heather and I can’t believe our luck in this scene, it’s the National Geographic Channel up-close and real, like watching Animal Planet ringside. Here are, move for move, the entire mating repertoire of the Bonobo Chimp. Peacocking and preening and pricking. The Bonobo Chimp organizes its entire social structure around sex. They use sex to say Hello, to resolve disputes, to make up after fights; they trade sex for food and favor. They tongue kiss, perform orally, mutually masturbate, and even have a penis-fencing ritual. They do have sex for pleasure, but most of the time, much like Housewives across the country, they use sex simply to keep the peace. Not surprisingly, the DNA of the Bonobo compares closely to DNA of the average man and woman, matching as high as 98 percent in one study. Bonobos are closer, genetically speaking, to humans than they are to gorillas! I’m obsessed with animal shows. I know, it’s weird.

The Fat Lady Sings
Sonja said it’s not over until you-know-who-sings and someone -- no names, not saying names -- sang. I said too much already. But before you wrinkle your cute little noses up, hear this. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 46 perfect of woman surveyed claimed to have had a--l sex, so half of you reading this should be all good. According to the same data, these women said it’s easier to reach orgasm, anally speaking, yet the practice, despite it’s being not uncommon, remains taboo. Should it? This might be worth investigating.

Stealing Sun
Let me take a minute here to say that while I might not agree with everything Ramona and Sonja do or say, they are definitely fun and entertaining. They can both drink pirates under the table but they are two decent people. Do we have a lot in common? Yes, no, maybe. But as my fat Italian Grandma Millie always said, “It takes all types to make a world.” That’s how I grew up. I celebrate the differences in people, and then look for commonality. It’s there, with everyone, if you’re willing to look. I always assume, regardless of what we’re wearing or drinking or saying, that we run around most of the time in our own personal hell. We all have that in common.

Meet The Parents
Yes, out on the lawn, there arose a bit of clatter. It’s hard to come late to the party. You’re behind on the jokes, on the drinks, on the stories and spills and falls. It’s hard to catch up. You saw that when we were regaling Aviva by the bar with our tales. She looked out of sorts. It’s like when you get to the New Year’s Eve party right after midnight. Everyone’s kissed, they’re low on champagne, there’s a certain vibe that, well, money can’t buy.

We arrived back from the boat trip later than we had intended because it’s hard to wrangle five women plus drivers here and there. We did not have much downtime. I was getting ready for a date, Lu was showering, Heather was in her PJs, Ramonja were frolicking like nymphets -- like the Aphrodite of Cnidus come to life.

 

We hugged Aviva, when she walked in, and thanked Reid for bringing her. Then she asked us to thank him again. She asked us to thank Reid more times than LuAnn asked us to believe in imaginary Italian friends! When I was married it was my job to do all the thanking and drooling and gushing, not my friends. Even Reid says he doesn’t need that. I think he just wanted all of us to go away so he could work, no?

The scene that launched a thousand screams had back story, I won’t bore you with it. There were phone calls, there were talks behind the camera’s back. No good ever comes of that, we learned that during the alleged blackmail-gate. What you did see, though, was on last week’s show, when LuAnn, Ramona, and Sonja discussed Reid’s arrival. (Remember, I’d stepped out of the room to talk to Russ.) LuAnn said Reid at the house would change the dynamic. (LuAnn had trouble with the truth our entire stay.) Everyone else agreed. Ramona ask diplomat LuAnn to ask Reid to go to a hotel, she deferred to me. For the record, no one ever asked me to ask Reid to go to a hotel. This was a throwaway conversation. It died. It was idle chatter. Maybe it wasn’t nice, but in the end they were all fighting and pointing like Larry, Curly, and Moe over something that was discussed but never happened. Oye.

Class Warfare on the Richest Island in the Carribean
Some of the smartest people I know never went to Vassar, or even to college. Peter Jennings never finished high school and he was one of the most gracious, elegant, and intelligent men I’ve ever met. I’ve met people with enough degrees to paper an entire guest bungalow who have the manners of a jackal. Dangling an impressive resume to belittle someone isn’t like Aviva. I think she’s rattled by her suspicion that Sonja and Ramona have been talking badly behind her back.

 

Still, there is never a reason to call names. It’s not decent or nice. “White trash” is a derogatory slang term referring to people in this country of a lower social class. It’s a slur -- used by upper class whites to refer to uneducated lower class whites. While it may differ from Okie or Hillbilly, it’s still pejorative, and worse -- it’s vulgar and inelegant.

Hug Therapy Works!
Sonja is trying hard here. As I watched this scene, I wished I had hugged her. She’s been over-served and over-insulted and she’s hurt.

Healing touch therapy is a gentle therapy that emphasizes heart-centered care and compassionate healing intention. I think it works, because Aviva seems genuinely sorry in the touch therapy session. People do say things they don’t mean in the heat of an argument. I believe that. . .but then, huh?

Aviva had me at "Hello" but she lost me somewhere between "White Trash" and "Rush Limbaugh," and her reference to his infamous empty apology. Limbaugh wasn’t sorry for calling an innocent young woman a whore and slut, he was sorry his show lost sponsors. And it was arguably one of the nastiest moments in his almost 50-year broadcasting career.

And So it Goes. . .
In the end, Heather and I had a few good laughs but did not beg anyone to come to St. Barths. Do we seem like beggars? I’ve never begged anyone to go anywhere. And it’s true -- it was egregious -- I didn’t organize a party, or a red carpet. But it’s because I didn’t have my Oscar dress, it wouldn’t fit on the small plane. Too much crinoline. Plus, I wonder if maybe we all forgot one little thing. This trip was about, um. . .me?

Yet I somehow end up pants-less, refereeing a boxing match between grown women, cursing like a pirate and missing Russ’ rehearsal. I, too, wound up pounding Captain Jack all night, the whiskey, that is.

I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone, again, about the reasons for this trip.

1. I finished the first draft of my book.
2. Russ is playing a blues festival.
3. I invited the girls along to celebrate.

Poll Question:
Which of the ladies actually did leave that night, and stayed at a hotel?

If you guessed me, you win! I left dinner to see Russ and I didn’t come back. Russ was staying at the coolest little dive near town, it hadn’t been updated since the 50s. The bed had a mosquito net canopy, the orange walls were faded and peeling. It was beautiful. We contemplated running away that night. We called the house on the hill Alcatraz. When I woke the next morning I had hoped it was all a dream, a nightmare, then I got a text from my producer -- “Please return to the house.”

Tune in next week when the ladies make me cry.

As always, you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here. Follow my sister (@teresadifalco). You can get the book I was talking about on the boat, titled The Letter here.

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

LuAnn reveals that her relationship with Sonja is still broken, and dishes on a possible new dance single.

Here we are, the end of another great Season! Personally for me, I'm so grateful to Bravo for giving me the opportunity to share my life and lessons learned once again with you!

The double date I had with Carole did look worse than it actually was. We all had a great time talking about the realities of dating these days and Carole opened herself up to Nick who was good looking, but is clearly not into having a serious relationship -- to put it kindly. I've grown very fond of Carole and think she's a great girl who has plenty of opportunities to date, but at the end of the day, she really likes being independent! Plus, it's hard to find a good man these days!

When Carole first started the show she thought she really knew me and had judged me! The show is just a small glimpse into my life as there are so many lives to follow. I'm not surprised she had preconceived notions about me. It's hard to get to know someone well through Housewives! Since then, we've spent more time together and have gotten a lot closer.

Speaking of being close. . .Carole and Heather are tight! I understand why Heather came to Carole's defense towards Aviva -- that's what you do when you're a true friend! I would prefer she doesn't say MF, but that's what I like about Heather. . .She's GANGSTA CHIC! (maybe that's my new dance single. . .LOL). She really doesn't care what people think. I thought Aviva said enough to Carole that was hurtful, so throwing out the age comment was really uncalled for!

I admire Heather. She has two beautiful children, a huge business to run and Housewives! Wonder Woman indeed. The way she handles her son and his illness on the show is inspirational!! I wish there were more women like her on the planet!

When Ramona brought up Sonja's financial problems I was surprised. It's really considered inappropriate to talk about the money problems of others! Like I said, "Karma's a bitch!" I hope Ramona is in a good financial place after the unfortunate split up of her and her husband! Can't even say his name. I've never been very fond of that man! NO big loss for Ramona! Ramona is a survivor and will do just fine!

I'm sure its not the first time Aviva has thought about throwing her leg at someone? It's highly likely she gave it thought. I'm not so sure how these things work but it came off really quickly? LOL! Thank goodness she has many limbs!



On that note, what a Season 6 we've had. Our trip to Montana was epic for me so, Thanks to Kristen our newest Housewife for that! I'm happy Carole and I are closer and sad Sonja and I are on the outs. Until now we've had no contact with each other. You all know how I feel about Ramona, and Aviva still has her leg by the way. I love all of you ladies for whatever crazy reason! Doing the show is a very bonding experience that most people don't get to have so again, I'm grateful!

So for the moment, I'm enjoying the last weeks of summer with my kids and in no time will be getting them back to school! So very proud of my kids. I'm also very busy working on my apparel collection for ShopHQ for Fall. Hope to see you all again soon!!!

Love,
LuAnn

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