Cast Blog: #RHONY

First Impressions

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

First Impressions

Carole reveals what she thought of each of the ladies when they met at Sonja's party.

OK, here goes -- My first blog post as a Housewife!

Let’s start at Sonja’s gorgeous party with its crinkles and fresh guests. This was where I met everyone, and I was a little freaked out. I forgot that I’m shy. Did you notice? I’m comfortable in most social situations, but meeting Sonja, LuAnn, Heather, and Aviva all at once, so bright and bold, was overwhelming. Also, I didn’t know where to put my coat -- where did everyone put their coats? It wasn’t clear. There was coat pressure.

The dirty martinis came fast. I actually don’t drink much, I had to train for the show. I had to practice doing shots and drinking things dirty and on the rocks. It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, first impressions.

LuAnn’s like my high school French teacher, strict and proper with great cheekbones. I spoke French once, sort of. I dated a French-Canadian and he texted me in French. I used Google Translate to read them and to convert my English replies back, but the process wore me out. We didn’t last.

Sonja is restless and sultry, like Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I wonder if she’s ever dated anyone named Brick or Paul Newman.

Ramona’s fun. I can’t look at her without laughing. And the more time I spend with her, the funnier she gets. I nicknamed her “Bunny,” as in Energizer. She never stops moving!Heather has a cool, bouncy charm. She’s like the girls I wanted to be friends with in high school, but was too geeky to approach.

Aviva lights the room like a rainbow (spoiler alert: there’s rainbow talk later on!) She’s tall and stunning and I was drawn to her -- who wouldn’t be? Plus, she read my book! I’m easy. Writers spend a lot of time in cramped spaces, all alone, mostly slowly going mad. Once in a blue moon we stumble onto someone who’s read our work and we love them. It was a gift to hear her thoughts. She also had the best line of that party. You’re cool as a cat.

OK, now a pop quiz. This is important. During that first scene, Aviva and I were having a serious conversation about my book and she brought up a passage about a cross. It was a birthday gift my late husband got for me, a beautiful diamond cross that he bought before he died then gave to a friend to give to me on my birthday, in case he wasn’t there. He wasn’t, and my friend gave me the cross. It is a poignant scene and memory, and Aviva was touched by it. So after she brought up that story, which of the below do you think was my reaction?

A. Outraged, I flipped the table.

B. Crushed, I had a meltdown.

C. Confused, I broke into a rambling monologue in French.

D. Drunk, I swigged some more of Ramona’s pinot grigio.

OR

E. Moved by her reaction, I hugged her.Through the magic of television, it seems I am completely indifferent to what she’s saying and instead momentarily obsessed with my breasts. The first person to tweet what actually happened will win speed-reading lessons from Ramona.

(I LOVE kids!)

Moving on. I didn’t get a pedicure, but was surprised to learn that Eric Clapton has the same bag for his pool cue as Aviva does for her leg. Who would’ve guessed? And Aviva’s ex, Harry, you know the guy with the comb-over? He supposedly slept with half the Housewives. He must have a big, um, wallet.

At Glamour, you got to meet the incomparable Cindi Lieve. Glamour is a fabulous magazine that I am lucky enough to sometimes write for and Cindi is the brainy talent at the helm. I love working with her and the editors there. They’ve given me great assignments over the years. This time it was a cover story on the Kardashian sisters. We went over the details in her office and then I flew to Kourtney's house. Reality meets reality, very meta!

Did you see me shamelessly pitch my book while I was there? Don't knock it. It's not easy to make a living in publishing, you have to hustle.

(I really love kids!)

I missed the Hamptons. I had a deadline and had to work. But if I'd been there I would have topped everyone, I’m sure of it. I would have brought four pies to beat Aviva's three and I would have read faster than Ramona. I would have had scotch, snagged the single guy, and talked twice as much as all of them. I would have held Sienna at the art show and she wouldn't have cried. By the way, watch for upcoming scenes with Sienna and I, we kill it. Did you know I love kids?

Heather had a point when she said she hardly spoke to Ramona and Mario before they told her she talks too much, but that’s Ramona. You cannot take her seriously. And she’s no slouch in the talking department herself.

Ramona toasted to bashert. What is bashert anyway? It sounds like a stain on your blouse. Heather said it’s about fate, that makes sense. I think we all were fated to meet up in this cosmic Haley's-Comet-gone-wrong little world, don’t you?

Since I missed the Hamptons, I asked the girls to lunch to fill me in. LuAnn was so wound up she forgot to drink her coffee! After she left, the three rookies -- me, Heather, Aviva -- vowed to not be mean. Let’s see how that goes.

After watching this first episode, there are five things you should have learned. Luann knows other languages, Aviva has three legs, Heather talks fast, Ramona reads fast, Sonja played pool with Eric Clapton and most important of all...I love kids.

Did I mention I love kids?

Ciao!

(I got that from Google translate. It means “Goodbye.”)

Oh, by the way, I wrote a book called What Remains. You can find it here.

Toast-o-meter: 5