Cast Blog: #RHONY

First Impressions

Carole reveals what she thought of each of the ladies when they met at Sonja's party.

OK, here goes -- My first blog post as a Housewife!

Let’s start at Sonja’s gorgeous party with its crinkles and fresh guests. This was where I met everyone, and I was a little freaked out. I forgot that I’m shy. Did you notice? I’m comfortable in most social situations, but meeting Sonja, LuAnn, Heather, and Aviva all at once, so bright and bold, was overwhelming. Also, I didn’t know where to put my coat -- where did everyone put their coats? It wasn’t clear. There was coat pressure.

The dirty martinis came fast. I actually don’t drink much, I had to train for the show. I had to practice doing shots and drinking things dirty and on the rocks. It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, first impressions.

LuAnn’s like my high school French teacher, strict and proper with great cheekbones. I spoke French once, sort of. I dated a French-Canadian and he texted me in French. I used Google Translate to read them and to convert my English replies back, but the process wore me out. We didn’t last.

Sonja is restless and sultry, like Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I wonder if she’s ever dated anyone named Brick or Paul Newman.

Ramona’s fun. I can’t look at her without laughing. And the more time I spend with her, the funnier she gets. I nicknamed her “Bunny,” as in Energizer. She never stops moving!Heather has a cool, bouncy charm. She’s like the girls I wanted to be friends with in high school, but was too geeky to approach.

Aviva lights the room like a rainbow (spoiler alert: there’s rainbow talk later on!) She’s tall and stunning and I was drawn to her -- who wouldn’t be? Plus, she read my book! I’m easy. Writers spend a lot of time in cramped spaces, all alone, mostly slowly going mad. Once in a blue moon we stumble onto someone who’s read our work and we love them. It was a gift to hear her thoughts. She also had the best line of that party. You’re cool as a cat.

OK, now a pop quiz. This is important. During that first scene, Aviva and I were having a serious conversation about my book and she brought up a passage about a cross. It was a birthday gift my late husband got for me, a beautiful diamond cross that he bought before he died then gave to a friend to give to me on my birthday, in case he wasn’t there. He wasn’t, and my friend gave me the cross. It is a poignant scene and memory, and Aviva was touched by it. So after she brought up that story, which of the below do you think was my reaction?

A. Outraged, I flipped the table.

B. Crushed, I had a meltdown.

C. Confused, I broke into a rambling monologue in French.

D. Drunk, I swigged some more of Ramona’s pinot grigio.

OR

E. Moved by her reaction, I hugged her.Through the magic of television, it seems I am completely indifferent to what she’s saying and instead momentarily obsessed with my breasts. The first person to tweet what actually happened will win speed-reading lessons from Ramona.

(I LOVE kids!)

Moving on. I didn’t get a pedicure, but was surprised to learn that Eric Clapton has the same bag for his pool cue as Aviva does for her leg. Who would’ve guessed? And Aviva’s ex, Harry, you know the guy with the comb-over? He supposedly slept with half the Housewives. He must have a big, um, wallet.

At Glamour, you got to meet the incomparable Cindi Lieve. Glamour is a fabulous magazine that I am lucky enough to sometimes write for and Cindi is the brainy talent at the helm. I love working with her and the editors there. They’ve given me great assignments over the years. This time it was a cover story on the Kardashian sisters. We went over the details in her office and then I flew to Kourtney's house. Reality meets reality, very meta!

Did you see me shamelessly pitch my book while I was there? Don't knock it. It's not easy to make a living in publishing, you have to hustle.

(I really love kids!)

I missed the Hamptons. I had a deadline and had to work. But if I'd been there I would have topped everyone, I’m sure of it. I would have brought four pies to beat Aviva's three and I would have read faster than Ramona. I would have had scotch, snagged the single guy, and talked twice as much as all of them. I would have held Sienna at the art show and she wouldn't have cried. By the way, watch for upcoming scenes with Sienna and I, we kill it. Did you know I love kids?

Heather had a point when she said she hardly spoke to Ramona and Mario before they told her she talks too much, but that’s Ramona. You cannot take her seriously. And she’s no slouch in the talking department herself.

Ramona toasted to bashert. What is bashert anyway? It sounds like a stain on your blouse. Heather said it’s about fate, that makes sense. I think we all were fated to meet up in this cosmic Haley's-Comet-gone-wrong little world, don’t you?

Since I missed the Hamptons, I asked the girls to lunch to fill me in. LuAnn was so wound up she forgot to drink her coffee! After she left, the three rookies -- me, Heather, Aviva -- vowed to not be mean. Let’s see how that goes.

After watching this first episode, there are five things you should have learned. Luann knows other languages, Aviva has three legs, Heather talks fast, Ramona reads fast, Sonja played pool with Eric Clapton and most important of all...I love kids.

Did I mention I love kids?

Ciao!

(I got that from Google translate. It means “Goodbye.”)

Oh, by the way, I wrote a book called What Remains. You can find it here.

Toast-o-meter: 5

Luann: Ramona Does Have Sticky Fingers

Luann talks about the dueling brunches and explains why it was weird to be back in Ramona's apartment. 

Quite the episode, right? I’m loving my new house, as you can probably tell. It’s so cozy, and the girls loved it. It was fun to hang on the couch and chat it up about everything from brunches to toe hair…(which is a little gross, but that’s another story).

So this episode brings in Dressgate and Brunchgate…and Kellygate! Word to the wise: NEVER steal Herve Leger. (Bethenny clarified that it was a Halston, but still--who steals from a green room?) Ramona does have sticky fingers when it comes to that, though. Looking back, if you remember a dress Sonja was buying in Season 2 and how Ramona asked to “look at it” and ended up at the checkout line with it…She took it right out of her hands! Oh, Ramona…you really are a piece of work.

So Brunchgate.

Brunch #1. You know, I figured having two invitations to two brunches isn’t that bad of a problem, so if we went to both, we’d make everyone happy. I really like Bethenny’s Hamptons house, and I love the red accents! Her brunch was a classic breakfast with, of course, great cocktails. B was great to entertain me and my guests with all of her SkinnyGirl flair. I thought it was really nice of Bethenny to give us some parting gifts. I took some energy bars but kept it simple and didn’t grab her appliances. Tacky much? To each her own… (Bethenny was sweet enough to send me a blender weeks later, though. Noel may even steal it when he moves away for college this summer. So thanks, B! XO!)

And onto Brunch #2. I felt bad that Dorinda had to go, but I understood. We were late. The new girl likes her Bloody Marys not as bloody, but extra merry. I can definitely empathize with that! She and Bethenny kept me laughing this episode. And I was beyond thrilled when Dorinda called John out for being rude with the phone at lunch. If you know me, you know that if you make a lady wait, she’ll take a pass. Phones have no place at the dinner table or the lunch table or the breakfast counter--especially when it’s a date--so put your phones away, people! She’s a fierce one, and I was cheering when she spoke up and ended that call. John has to put a leash on his PDA. A little smooch is OK, but restaurant mouth-to-mouth is a no-no unless someone is choking. Like the moment Dorinda practically choked by confusing a fellow diner with a server…ouch!

And now, my chat with Ramona over some pinot and seafood salad. I hadn’t been to Ramona’s since “The Ambush,” when Jill and Bethenny were fighting for their friendship, only to continue straining and destroying it. For the record, they were going around in circles, getting so upset and not making any progress, that I felt I had to step in and have them take a break and regroup in a few days. Not weeks or months or years. It’s a shame. I still have hope they’ll patch things up.

I’m not sure if she’s just coping really well and being reasonable about it, or if she’s in some sort of denial.

Luann de Lesseps

So for that and for numerous other obvious reasons, being a guest in Ramona’s apartment after so many years was a little weird, but I knew we needed to have this moment. She’s undergoing a reinvention and “rising from the ashes,” so to speak. I know that what she’s experiencing is the hardest thing a woman can endure, and the power of friends and support is unimaginable. It’s almost comforting to see Ramona seem calm about the whole thing. I’m not sure if she’s just coping really well and being reasonable about it, or if she’s in some sort of denial. It was tough telling her that Mario was on dating sites and that I knew people who’d seen him on there, but she handled it well. At least in front of me. And we had a good chuckle about it. With others making Tinder such “a thing” this season, nothing really surprises me--or Ramona--anymore. Anyway, I’m glad she knows I’m here for her and that despite my feelings and our past, I always do my best to be there for my friends. Stay cool, Ramona!

Having lunch with Heather and Bethenny was quite an adventure. (By the way, I’m obsessed with guacamole. I’m practically 6% avocado at this point.) We had some Skinnygirl margs and caught up on the other girls. But maybe too much catching up. I noticed some tension brewing between Heather and Bethenny right away, and I know that if there’s too much talking going on and nothing really means much, some people just turn off and stop caring. Heather gets into the nitty gritty and Bethenny is all about the headline and the bullet points. I could tell there was a minor clash about to occur. But Bethenny was ultimately pretty cool about it. And hilarious. Between Dorinda’s “not wanting tongue as an appetizer” and Bethenny’s sorority tales (ahem…braiding), I was chuckling for the full hour.

Sigh… Kellygate…

Beautique is one of my favorite places in the city and certainly one of my favorite nightspots. It’s a chic hangout for singles to mingle with great music and a staff of sweethearts. Kelly Bensimon and I were at the same party earlier that evening, and I told her to come along for a girls' night out. I didn’t think I needed to ask Bethenny permission, so I was surprised Bethenny was so bothered by Kelly being there. Get over it already, B! Once she explained how she felt, I understood where she was coming from. I’m just glad it didn’t ruin the evening. We discussed it, shared our thoughts, and moved on--that’s what I love about our relationship. Kelly has always been a good friend to me, and it was fun to spend time with her and the girls. A little unofficial reunion at Beautique.

Now, ladies…for a girl’s night out, why not have some good looking gents thrown into the mix, right? You saw Lady Morgan. She was quite taken with Mr. Germany, as she calls him. Sonja has a good eye--a little young for the taking, but very handsome. My friend Eric is a great guy, charming and a gentleman. I knew he would bring someone fabulous…just not someone that young. Ramona is a little new to this element, so I was proud of her for jumping in and meeting guys and dancing and enjoying the attention. She’s quite the natural, isn’t she? Surprise, surprise! She brought a whole new meaning to “twirl” that night, and we were so happy she was having a good time. I just regret not inviting Dorinda to join us. Clearly, she was really the odd girl out that night.

I’ll just say this: I don’t know if I’d want my boyfriend hanging out at Beautique for a “business” meeting. It’s certainly not the place. And it certainly wasn’t the time for it, either. We’ll have to see how Dorinda feels about this next week. One thing about Dorinda that I’ve seen first-hand: She doesn’t play around. You cross her once, you’ll think twice before crossing her again.

This season keeps getting better and better. I’m already excited for next Tuesday night!

Speaking of “twirling,” go check out my new Spring Swirl & Twirl dresses at Evine Live, and keep in touch on Facebook at www.facebook.om/countessluanndelesseps and on Twitter and Instagram at @CountessLuann.

Be cool. 

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