Cast Blog: #RHONY

First Impressions

Carole reveals what she thought of each of the ladies when they met at Sonja's party.

OK, here goes -- My first blog post as a Housewife!

Let’s start at Sonja’s gorgeous party with its crinkles and fresh guests. This was where I met everyone, and I was a little freaked out. I forgot that I’m shy. Did you notice? I’m comfortable in most social situations, but meeting Sonja, LuAnn, Heather, and Aviva all at once, so bright and bold, was overwhelming. Also, I didn’t know where to put my coat -- where did everyone put their coats? It wasn’t clear. There was coat pressure.

The dirty martinis came fast. I actually don’t drink much, I had to train for the show. I had to practice doing shots and drinking things dirty and on the rocks. It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, first impressions.

LuAnn’s like my high school French teacher, strict and proper with great cheekbones. I spoke French once, sort of. I dated a French-Canadian and he texted me in French. I used Google Translate to read them and to convert my English replies back, but the process wore me out. We didn’t last.

Sonja is restless and sultry, like Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I wonder if she’s ever dated anyone named Brick or Paul Newman.

Ramona’s fun. I can’t look at her without laughing. And the more time I spend with her, the funnier she gets. I nicknamed her “Bunny,” as in Energizer. She never stops moving!Heather has a cool, bouncy charm. She’s like the girls I wanted to be friends with in high school, but was too geeky to approach.

Aviva lights the room like a rainbow (spoiler alert: there’s rainbow talk later on!) She’s tall and stunning and I was drawn to her -- who wouldn’t be? Plus, she read my book! I’m easy. Writers spend a lot of time in cramped spaces, all alone, mostly slowly going mad. Once in a blue moon we stumble onto someone who’s read our work and we love them. It was a gift to hear her thoughts. She also had the best line of that party. You’re cool as a cat.

OK, now a pop quiz. This is important. During that first scene, Aviva and I were having a serious conversation about my book and she brought up a passage about a cross. It was a birthday gift my late husband got for me, a beautiful diamond cross that he bought before he died then gave to a friend to give to me on my birthday, in case he wasn’t there. He wasn’t, and my friend gave me the cross. It is a poignant scene and memory, and Aviva was touched by it. So after she brought up that story, which of the below do you think was my reaction?

A. Outraged, I flipped the table.

B. Crushed, I had a meltdown.

C. Confused, I broke into a rambling monologue in French.

D. Drunk, I swigged some more of Ramona’s pinot grigio.

OR

E. Moved by her reaction, I hugged her.Through the magic of television, it seems I am completely indifferent to what she’s saying and instead momentarily obsessed with my breasts. The first person to tweet what actually happened will win speed-reading lessons from Ramona.

(I LOVE kids!)

Moving on. I didn’t get a pedicure, but was surprised to learn that Eric Clapton has the same bag for his pool cue as Aviva does for her leg. Who would’ve guessed? And Aviva’s ex, Harry, you know the guy with the comb-over? He supposedly slept with half the Housewives. He must have a big, um, wallet.

At Glamour, you got to meet the incomparable Cindi Lieve. Glamour is a fabulous magazine that I am lucky enough to sometimes write for and Cindi is the brainy talent at the helm. I love working with her and the editors there. They’ve given me great assignments over the years. This time it was a cover story on the Kardashian sisters. We went over the details in her office and then I flew to Kourtney's house. Reality meets reality, very meta!

Did you see me shamelessly pitch my book while I was there? Don't knock it. It's not easy to make a living in publishing, you have to hustle.

(I really love kids!)

I missed the Hamptons. I had a deadline and had to work. But if I'd been there I would have topped everyone, I’m sure of it. I would have brought four pies to beat Aviva's three and I would have read faster than Ramona. I would have had scotch, snagged the single guy, and talked twice as much as all of them. I would have held Sienna at the art show and she wouldn't have cried. By the way, watch for upcoming scenes with Sienna and I, we kill it. Did you know I love kids?

Heather had a point when she said she hardly spoke to Ramona and Mario before they told her she talks too much, but that’s Ramona. You cannot take her seriously. And she’s no slouch in the talking department herself.

Ramona toasted to bashert. What is bashert anyway? It sounds like a stain on your blouse. Heather said it’s about fate, that makes sense. I think we all were fated to meet up in this cosmic Haley's-Comet-gone-wrong little world, don’t you?

Since I missed the Hamptons, I asked the girls to lunch to fill me in. LuAnn was so wound up she forgot to drink her coffee! After she left, the three rookies -- me, Heather, Aviva -- vowed to not be mean. Let’s see how that goes.

After watching this first episode, there are five things you should have learned. Luann knows other languages, Aviva has three legs, Heather talks fast, Ramona reads fast, Sonja played pool with Eric Clapton and most important of all...I love kids.

Did I mention I love kids?

Ciao!

(I got that from Google translate. It means “Goodbye.”)

Oh, by the way, I wrote a book called What Remains. You can find it here.

Toast-o-meter: 5

Sonja: No Matter What I Do, I Cannot Win

Sonja talks about how hurt she is when she hears her fellow 'Wives talking about her. 

As I said in my last blog, I really felt ganged up on the last time I saw all the girls at the reunion. They seem to be coming up with strange comments out of nowhere, since we were fine when we wrapped last season, and I guested everyone at Jamie’s after the Le Cirque event (leg toss) and at the Sonja in the City Premiere Party when the show finally aired.

They were attacking me left and right about my businesses and the legal crisis I was dealing with that resulted from when I was a movie producer. I had to deal with this all while going through my divorce and no support from my ex.

Lu and Ramona have shut me out since their significant other troubles.

Dorinda says she’s never been to Ramona’s country house. As we saw in the last episode, Ramona has never been to Dorinda’s houses either. So this is a new, fast and furious friendship?! It’s like Ramona would talk to her hairdresser before me. Anyone but me, who really knows her. 

In fact, this is the first time Ramona’s moved me out of the bedroom I always stay in no matter how many guests. I was trying to be understanding, because I know Dorinda is new to the group, but that doesn’t change the fact that Ramona is definitely demonstrative in pushing me away. I don’t care what an ass I’m acting like. Who does that?

I have spent so many celebrations at the country house with Ramona, Mario, and her daughter. So she doesn’t have to feel that she can’t talk to me. Every time I bring up something that I feel is relatable between us, as fancy or flighty as it may sound when I mention these, it IS common ground for us. She just continues to ignore me, so I keep trying even harder to get her attention by bringing up more examples of what I have gone through that is similar to what she is going through. No matter what I try, I am seemingly talking to a wall. Not a good look I might add!

Dorinda brought up the fact that I live in a big house, after I brought up lower maintenance being nice. She moved from a huge apartment with her daughter to a much smaller apartment. That’s when I gave the examples of how I am scaling down. But, I’m not willing to give up my main home and the outdoors that I get with a house, because I already gave up my country house. It seems like my idea to keep my main house is upsetting the girls, and I do not understand why they are so focused. 

What adds to everything else is that Ramona apologizes to Lu for not understanding what she has been through, having not walked in her shoes till now. Yet, she hasn’t discussed this with me. She would always give me very harsh advice, saying how I wouldn’t be divorced if I did all the things she’d done in her marriage and family life. I wish she could have paid the same respect to me.

That’s exactly why I didn’t have her over when I took down my husband’s portrait. I felt Luann understood better, that no matter how well things are going, marriages do fall apart. It’s not the wife’s fault alone. This divorce should be bringing us closer, as it is with her former nemesis Luann, but Ramona just chooses not to let this happen. I don’t want to say, “I told you so.” I just want to maintain our close relationship no matter what happens.

When the psychic in Morocco said Mario was cheating on Ramona, I started crying, because I was afraid when Avery went away to school that it could happen. It does happen!  I care about Ramona very much, and I didn’t want her to go through what I’ve been through. How can she forget how sensitive I have been to her issues? I don’t really feel like she is letting me in when she is so easy to let others in, such as Lu and Dorinda. 

This gets my hair up on my back and causes me to try to get her attention even more. She says to Dorinda I’ve been on the offensive, but I feel like I’ve been playing more of a defensive role. Because of the comments she used to make to Lu and me about why we were divorced when she had the perfect marriage, perfect everything, I am acting this way. Having said that, I do seem very self-absorbed, but I wouldn’t say I’m more self-absorbed than anyone else in our group! I think I really have a thorn in my side at this point.

We see Ramona having déjà vu at the bar at Lu’s, and of course I’m sitting right next to her having mutual admiration in her flashback. That was then! I’m missing that give and take relationship. We used to interrupt each other interrupting like Abbot and Costello. There was no stopping us from getting a word in. Now I just seem to be talking to myself. It just makes me question why she is so unhappy with me.

Then you see me trying to break up the fight between Heather and Aviva in the flashback. I can’t help thinking that if Aviva were still here, then the heat would be on her, instead of me! Is that mean? Or am I just feeling like the whipping boy? LOL!

It makes me feel uncomfortable that the girls are counting my money and accusing me of pretending.

Sonja Morgan

I’m really shocked when Heather tells Carole in the ride out to the Hampton’s, that I am bull sh---ing people that I was a millionaire when I was 25 years old. I have never said anything like that. She already knows that I’ve been working and making my own money since I was 14 years old and invested in my properties with and without my ex. So, again, I feel like these comments are coming out of nowhere and with no basis. She knows how hard I have worked in the garment industry and in fashion retail since we have that in common. She knows nothing was handed to me. We had that mutual respect before. It makes me feel uncomfortable that the girls are counting my money and accusing me of pretending.

At the reunion I threw out a comment about P. Diddy being a friend, because I thought Heather was BSing too much when she was dropping the names of celebrities that she knew through business. However, I’m no stranger to dropping names either, since I make a living off my contacts. It was a heated moment, and I guess she’s having a moment of some type with me now. I was also very upset last year that she said my relationship with Harry wasn’t real. I can tell you it is very real, for both of us. 

I also don’t understand why Luann can talk about the big house in Bridgehampton she had with her husband, and I can’t talk about my yacht. I have fond memories on the yacht with family and friends. I’m not living in the past. I am very much in the moment and planning my future.  

For Ramona to say to Dorinda that I am in denial is very strange. Ramona knows better than anyone that every day I deal with the bottom line, which is frankly about the dollars and cents. I have been extremely active in protecting my assets, and I am fully advised by professionals. Many couples have remarried their divorced spouses once they settle their division of assets because of this very reason. It’s always about the money. That’s why Lu and Ramona are scaling down. No one who knows business wants to give up their real estate. You never make money selling. Only buying more. Real Estate is an investment and used as leverage. 

Ramona tells Bethenny several times that she is single. She has told me this, too, but the second I say that she is divorcing, she gets mad at me. I really can’t win. I can’t say she’s Italian, even though she was married into an Italian family and lived with her mother-in-law for 10 years, because that got her angry, too. It was an innocent mistake, yet Ramona was so sensitive about it.

BTW, when Ramona told Bethenny to breathe, it reminded me of Morocco with Alex McCord. Talk about a déjà vu!

Lu’s son is so wonderful. He’s very polite and kind. He showed me his carriage house,and it really is perfect, and he is so proud of it! I’m happy to have gotten to know him over the years. I have had dinner with Adam Kentworthy and the family when he was dating Lu’s niece Nicole. Now that he’s the chef, he is definitely off limits! Carole is a sucker for attractive men! So I wonder, what will happen there?

We see Lu’s son is drinking out of a mason jar. I love to serve beer in them with lemon and ice like in England, as Dorinda would say. I once again can’t win. I bring my own beer, which is down to earth, and now I am accused of not being Lady Morgan-like. Previously in this episode, I am being accused of not being down to earth. I really feel I’m being picked on and shut out. No matter what I do, I cannot win.

Tune in next week to see how this “docudrama” unfolds. I think you will be very surprised. What a bunch we are!

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