Cast Blog: #RHONY

First Impressions

Carole reveals what she thought of each of the ladies when they met at Sonja's party.

OK, here goes -- My first blog post as a Housewife!

Let’s start at Sonja’s gorgeous party with its crinkles and fresh guests. This was where I met everyone, and I was a little freaked out. I forgot that I’m shy. Did you notice? I’m comfortable in most social situations, but meeting Sonja, LuAnn, Heather, and Aviva all at once, so bright and bold, was overwhelming. Also, I didn’t know where to put my coat -- where did everyone put their coats? It wasn’t clear. There was coat pressure.

The dirty martinis came fast. I actually don’t drink much, I had to train for the show. I had to practice doing shots and drinking things dirty and on the rocks. It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, first impressions.

LuAnn’s like my high school French teacher, strict and proper with great cheekbones. I spoke French once, sort of. I dated a French-Canadian and he texted me in French. I used Google Translate to read them and to convert my English replies back, but the process wore me out. We didn’t last.

Sonja is restless and sultry, like Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I wonder if she’s ever dated anyone named Brick or Paul Newman.

Ramona’s fun. I can’t look at her without laughing. And the more time I spend with her, the funnier she gets. I nicknamed her “Bunny,” as in Energizer. She never stops moving!Heather has a cool, bouncy charm. She’s like the girls I wanted to be friends with in high school, but was too geeky to approach.

Aviva lights the room like a rainbow (spoiler alert: there’s rainbow talk later on!) She’s tall and stunning and I was drawn to her -- who wouldn’t be? Plus, she read my book! I’m easy. Writers spend a lot of time in cramped spaces, all alone, mostly slowly going mad. Once in a blue moon we stumble onto someone who’s read our work and we love them. It was a gift to hear her thoughts. She also had the best line of that party. You’re cool as a cat.

OK, now a pop quiz. This is important. During that first scene, Aviva and I were having a serious conversation about my book and she brought up a passage about a cross. It was a birthday gift my late husband got for me, a beautiful diamond cross that he bought before he died then gave to a friend to give to me on my birthday, in case he wasn’t there. He wasn’t, and my friend gave me the cross. It is a poignant scene and memory, and Aviva was touched by it. So after she brought up that story, which of the below do you think was my reaction?

A. Outraged, I flipped the table.

B. Crushed, I had a meltdown.

C. Confused, I broke into a rambling monologue in French.

D. Drunk, I swigged some more of Ramona’s pinot grigio.

OR

E. Moved by her reaction, I hugged her.Through the magic of television, it seems I am completely indifferent to what she’s saying and instead momentarily obsessed with my breasts. The first person to tweet what actually happened will win speed-reading lessons from Ramona.

(I LOVE kids!)

Moving on. I didn’t get a pedicure, but was surprised to learn that Eric Clapton has the same bag for his pool cue as Aviva does for her leg. Who would’ve guessed? And Aviva’s ex, Harry, you know the guy with the comb-over? He supposedly slept with half the Housewives. He must have a big, um, wallet.

At Glamour, you got to meet the incomparable Cindi Lieve. Glamour is a fabulous magazine that I am lucky enough to sometimes write for and Cindi is the brainy talent at the helm. I love working with her and the editors there. They’ve given me great assignments over the years. This time it was a cover story on the Kardashian sisters. We went over the details in her office and then I flew to Kourtney's house. Reality meets reality, very meta!

Did you see me shamelessly pitch my book while I was there? Don't knock it. It's not easy to make a living in publishing, you have to hustle.

(I really love kids!)

I missed the Hamptons. I had a deadline and had to work. But if I'd been there I would have topped everyone, I’m sure of it. I would have brought four pies to beat Aviva's three and I would have read faster than Ramona. I would have had scotch, snagged the single guy, and talked twice as much as all of them. I would have held Sienna at the art show and she wouldn't have cried. By the way, watch for upcoming scenes with Sienna and I, we kill it. Did you know I love kids?

Heather had a point when she said she hardly spoke to Ramona and Mario before they told her she talks too much, but that’s Ramona. You cannot take her seriously. And she’s no slouch in the talking department herself.

Ramona toasted to bashert. What is bashert anyway? It sounds like a stain on your blouse. Heather said it’s about fate, that makes sense. I think we all were fated to meet up in this cosmic Haley's-Comet-gone-wrong little world, don’t you?

Since I missed the Hamptons, I asked the girls to lunch to fill me in. LuAnn was so wound up she forgot to drink her coffee! After she left, the three rookies -- me, Heather, Aviva -- vowed to not be mean. Let’s see how that goes.

After watching this first episode, there are five things you should have learned. Luann knows other languages, Aviva has three legs, Heather talks fast, Ramona reads fast, Sonja played pool with Eric Clapton and most important of all...I love kids.

Did I mention I love kids?

Ciao!

(I got that from Google translate. It means “Goodbye.”)

Oh, by the way, I wrote a book called What Remains. You can find it here.

Toast-o-meter: 5

Heather: Bethenny's Blinders Went Up

Heather discusses her lunch with Bethenny and shares her idea for a "Yummie Girl" cocktail.

Ladies who brunch 
Brunch wars part two. I’m so happy we decided to stay neutral and go to both, otherwise who knows how long that drama would have continued. Anyway, this group isn’t one to turn down a good meal, or drink(s), so we ended up having a nice day. Bethenny’s get-together was basically a Skinnygirl sample sale, but who doesn’t like party favors?

We all love Sonja, but it continues to be hard to watch someone you care about struggle.

Heather Thomson

I just hope Bethenny knows what she’s in for trying to bring Sonja that "come to Jesus" moment--I’ve sure found that to be a fruitless endeavor in the past. We all love Sonja, but it continues to be hard to watch someone you care about struggle.

Eat, Pray, Love

At the next meal with Bethenny and Lu, I started trying to tell the girls about my appearance earlier that day on MSNBC’S Your Business with JJ Ramberg. I had rushed to lunch right after the show, and you could see my adrenaline was kicked up. I thought my explanation of Your Business was pretty succinct, but just in case, let’s try it again: An aspiring entrepreneur has a minute to pitch their concept, followed by industry experts offering their feedback on whether or not the pitcher is ready to take their idea before investors. The panel also troubleshoots questions from new or growing business owners. See the Shark Tank similarities? I love doing shows like this one, because it gives me the chance to interact with other entrepreneurs and share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way. And yes, I can talk! I actually love to talk, and usually have a lot to say--it’s just part of my charm. 

Pretty much anything I had to say this afternoon got lost in translation, because as soon as Ramona’s name was mentioned, Bethenny’s blinders went up. I could have been telling her I had a cure for cancer, and she wouldn’t have wanted any part of it. Hopefully those two can work it out. On the upside, I ordered what’s become my new signature "yummie girl" cocktail: Don Julio Anejo, fresh lime juice, and agave. Cars and Rolexes all around when this takes off! 

Till next week!

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xo,

Heather 

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