Cast Blog: #RHONY

I Couldn't Help But Wonder. . .

Carole ponders social media, truces, and Sonja's internship program.

I didn't think I was into this whole "social media" thing. Blogging, Facebooking, Tumbling, Pinteresting. What? I'm a writer. I like to get paid for my words. Plus I am old school -- you know, like pink While You Were Away slips and Sonja Morgan fax machines. I listen to vinyl albums at home (check out my crib). But old school is so 16,000 followers ago. New school is the new old school. And new school is like having recess all day. Two months ago, I didn't know what Twitter was and now I'm retweeting, livetweeting, and hashtagging quicker than a short fuse on the 4th of July. I communicate more with @suzyq485 and @wtf27 than I do my own mother. #himom.

A few days ago, my downstairs neighbor @trippswanhaus came upstairs with coffee and the news that @tomcruise and @katieholmes were divorcing. #shock. How fun to tweet I want to be wife #numberfour. We're just in my living room. It's just me and Tripp. So @trippswanhaus and I amused ourselves. We tweeted. Mrs. Tom Cruise #tomcar, #tomrad, #radzitom, Mrs. Cruisiwill. I could have gone on but then my sister @teresadifalco called. From Oregon.

"Hi Carole. What's going on?"

"I'm tweeting!"

"Yeah, I see that. Are you tweeting that you want to marry Tom Cruise?" @teresadifalco asked, as she scanned her Google alert.

Apparently it wasn’t just Tripp and me. A web site (Wetpaint) was also reading my tweets and now Tom Cruise and I are romantically linked in cyberspace. Forever. Me and Tom, just like that. I am both scared, and in awe of the power of social media. #irony

@teresadifalco banned me from Twitter, indefinitely. She doesn't know this, but I snuck back.

Showdown at Bethesda Fountain: Redux

[Insert Carrie Bradshaw voiceover here.]

On an island of nearly 2 million people, I couldn't help but wonder. . .will we ever all get along?

From the looks of it, maybe not. Is Ramona upset that Heather wasn't upset or is Heather upset that Aviva said she was upset or is Aviva upset that Ramona told Heather that Heather was upset? And didn't I too say at that now infamous lunch that I thought Heather was upset that we talked behind her back about her talking too much in front of us? I'm losing track of who is upset and why.

Aviva wants an alliance with the cool girls. Hello, Vivs? I'm #coolcarole. Heath is #gangsterchic. #keepitstraight.

I think the difference between the oldies and the newbies can be summed up in this one scene. While @IamHeatherT and @avivadrescher had a disagreement over who was cool and who was not and who was going and who was staying behind, neither of them mentioned their shellacked three-week manicure or their pinot-filled hat.

Meanwhile, @ramonasinger wanted to pow-wow with me about London. I wasn't expecting her to come in her shiny blue cocktail dress, but the thigh high leather boots, Jackie O sunglasses and mini-me mini-skirt really threw me off. Ramona is nothing if not surprising, and this is why I like her. She is also obviously still upset about not being invited and she doesn't even know that Vivs has told Heath she isn't cool. When I suggest to Ramona that she suppress her rage over the dis-invite, at least just while we shop, she looks at me like I'm a #unicorn and assures me she is perfectly calm. Did you see my double-take? Can you believe I made the famous Housewife hand gesture? Ramona's calm is HERE at Kelly Bensimon levels, and the rest of the world is here, with Bethenny. I promised myself I wouldn't do it and here we are -- only Episode 5 -- and I couldn't help myself. #reflex. I wished I had Mario's calming spray. In lieu of, I ordered the cheesecake.

All of that princess talk came about because I was planning a practical joke for @CountessLuann, to play out in London, and I wanted Ramona in on it. It involved titles, of course, and a curtsy. I wanted to trick LuAnn into curtsying to me, in public. Ramona loved the idea of LuAnn curtsying, which is why she curtsied, although it could have been the pinot. I can't be sure. I didn't go through with the joke. I chickened out, so LuAnn never curtsied but Ramona did. And I think I like the word "curtsy."

Instead I went all Jersey Housewife on everyone. Don-t f--k with Cinderella. Yeah that's right. I have Franklin Lakes street cred, too. I hung out at the Paramus Park Mall and I went to Asbury Park after prom. Watch out for my tag line next year: "Life is short, bring on the drama." #iheartjersey

London Hollywood Calling

Like I promised last week I was sticking close to Ramona. Walking to Curve we were practically holding hands. I wasn't going to let her out of my sight, but then I had that work call to take and sure enough -- I walk out to the street and Ramona walks Heather to the couch. I'm still confused over who is upset at whom but when I walked back in the store, Ramona bounced out of the dressing room right into my arms when she heard the commotion. You see, Ramona knows to stick thisclose to the drama. She matched my up-and-down jump with a #pogostick and raised me a case of pinot. #target

Date with Destiny

It's hard to watch yourself on a date. It's a blur, it's a swirl, it's a swivel seat. Peyman may not have looked 31, but I look like a 12-year-old at the Woolworth's counter waiting for my banana split. Like I said, it's hard to watch yourself on a date. It's also hard to watch yourself say #pussy. Full disclosure: I grew up Democrat but might be Republican by injection. #datedatexan

Sonja's drink date with Aviva goes better than mine when they discover they both love bows and also Ramona. Sonja loves Aviva, too, but for some reason is keeping the truffles off her truffle mac and cheese muffins for Aviva's anniversary party. Is there more to this story? I can't say.

Sex, Dating, & Fax Machines

My favorite scene of the week again involves @sonjatmorgan. #ilovesonja. How can you not? Even American Express sent her $1.47 worth of love. But why didn't I know Sonja when she had five houses, a yacht, and 75 in staff? I'm getting the bankrupt, tap water drinking, poop pill popping Sonja, the one with only one to three interns a day.

And, speaking of interns. Last week I launched a #stealingmillsaps campaign but that was before I knew there were three. I need between one to three interns a day, too, even though my apartment is all on one floor. #stealingnaomi #stealingtyler #stealingmillsaps. In addition to faxing, I can teach them about the answering machine, the virtues of a VHS tape, and introduce them to my P-touch label maker. Also, of course, Twitter. We will spend lots of time with the #tweet.

Until next time, loves.

#peace #pottymouth #rickperry #cool

You can buy my book What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Of course, follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here. Follow my sister in Oregon here and even though his tweets are lame follow Downstairs Tripp here.

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Luann: Carole Should Stick to Tinder

Luann calls out some of the Housewives on their uncool behavior. 

Episode 4 always seems to be where the sagas really begin, and last night had me fairly fired up, if you hadn’t noticed. Carole and I were such great friends before, and I’ve been very disappointed by her this season. I slowly came to realize that when it comes to Carole, not everything is what it seems. There’s an element of “fake” in it, and you don’t really see it until it’s directed at you. You’ll see what I mean.

 I had no idea I’d have to keep an eye on a close friend, whom I would assume would know better than to pick up my staff. 

Luann de Lesseps

I had friends over for a nice dinner to celebrate my new house. (Yes, that morphed into Brunchgate, but the intention was pure and all in hopes of having a good time with the girls.) I had no idea that Carole, ever-so-single and ready to mingle, would start mingling with my chef, who happens to be my niece’s recent ex-boyfriend and my son’s friend. I had no idea I’d have to keep an eye on a close friend, whom I would assume would know better than to pick up my staff. It was too soon and a little too close to my family. I understand someone can be attractive and someone can be looking for love, but there’s a certain level of discretion and respect that we women should maintain for our inner circles, especially when there’s close family involved. Carole was highly aware of that! Obviously, she knew she was in the wrong; this is why she struggled for so long on how to tell me. It seems everyone else, including Heather, knew about it. (And Heather even knows my niece, which was just a tad more insulting than I expected from her, too.) Ultimately, it was sneaky, disrespectful, and uncool.

So let’s review: barfing in pedicabs, looking for men in your girlfriends’ kitchens and thinking it’s cute, hiding inappropriate flings from those friends and wanting to announce your fling via a “screwing emoji” on a text…tacky. WHAT she did and HOW she did it is the problem. I’m fiercely loyal to my friends and devoted to my family, and when anyone crosses that line, I defend it to the fullest. Carole should stick to good ol’ fashioned Tinder and not scavenge for dates in my kitchen. Cool? OK, moving on.

Now, I’ll admit: This episode was the Carnival of Cougars #GodSaveTheCougars! The boys, of course, had no clue what a “Jordache jean” is…nor should they. But good ol’ fashioned story time with Carole and the children was hysterical. LOL!  At least the boys left having learned something new from a bygone era. Either way, I’m happy to have been there and celebrated Bethenny’s birthday with her. Awkward table dance and all. (By the way, Sonja’s never looked better, and Ramona’s got some moves, right? No wonder Peter wants to talk business with Ramona--so he can get down to business with Ramona!)

I adore Dorinda's daughter Hannah. She’s got a great sense of humor, is incredibly smart and really knows how to work a room. When it comes to John, it’s hard to disagree with her. I feel bad for Dorinda, of course, and how she can’t seem to bridge both sides of her life, but I empathize with Hannah on this one. The Dorinda and John dynamic is a very strange one. It makes me very uncomfortable, to be honest. I think it even makes Dorinda uncomfortable, too.

Guys, let a lady order what she wants, OK? If you want to eat more, go home and get on Seamless. And if your date doesn’t have an appetite, I assure you she’d rather watch Curtis Stone and Bobby Flay have a throwdown than watch you throw it back while she sips on a martini. Then John really drove it home, overstepping boundaries that are not his to even come near. Of course, kids don't dictate a mother’s life, but every mother takes their child’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. If your kids don’t like your boyfriend, that’s almost worse than when your parents don’t like your boyfriend. Bethenny was right when she said having that “double life” is weird. If Dorinda was truly in a place where she wanted to be with this guy, she’d lay down the law with her daughter. Your kids ultimately go along with what makes you happy, even if they have to make a concession or two. This restaurant scene was enough to make anyone want to run onto a pedicab and puke all the way home.

Things are looking up, though. At least Bethenny and Dorinda bonded over a sample sale, and that’s the first stop on the road to recovery. I hadn’t seen Bethenny that excited in a long time. When the two diamond-crusted ladies in black arrived, the tone unfortunately changed and pots started to stir. I thought Heather went beyond the call of duty, as she tends to—with “Beth”—regarding Kristen’s non-invite to her birthday dinner. Kristen and Bethenny barely know each other! Of course, Bethenny is direct, and she can be aggressive. I think it’s now clear that once Bethenny gets to know someone, she’s all-in, and she’s a fun friend to have. But for me, once when they started to rebrand “widowry,” the party was over.

But in the grand scheme of things, I hope you see the party’s really just getting started.

Be cool.

Keep in touch with your favorite countess on Facebook at and on Twitter and Instagram at @CountessLuann.

Be cool.

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