Cast Blog: #RHONY

Lost In Translation: Sleep Deprivation Can Kill

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

Lost In Translation: Sleep Deprivation Can Kill

Carole counts the hours she didn't sleep in London and plots a future Woody Allen collaboration.

I have a pitch for a movie; I'm going to call Woody Allen about it. My working title is Lost in British Translation and it goes something like this:

A middle-aged American woman arrives in London on business. After a very long day's shoot, starving and unable to sleep, she crosses paths with three other American women at a luxury hotel. The chance meeting turns into an unlikely bond as they shop, have high tea, go on television, and attend a dinner turned AA meeting. It culminates in a bizarre all-nighter where the girls get nasty and dirty with some boozin' and eatin' and realize they are in the throes of a sleep deprived mid-life crisis.

This is how Oscars are born.

Monday, the first day of London Trip:

10 am wake up in New York
1 pm buy suitcase, pick up dry-cleaning
2 pm lunch with agent, who would really like to see my finished book (soon, I promise and leave him with the check)
4 pm pack
7 pm cab to airport
10 pm leave on redeye flight, from Kennedy airport to Heathrow

Tuesday, 12 pm, arrive in London
(Up 19 hours)

Tolstoy or Shakespeare, or maybe Clint Eastwood, said there are really only two basic stories to tell: A Man Goes on a Journey and A Stranger Comes to Town. He forgot, though, this third universal one: Four Americans Don't Take Ramona to London and Go As Long As They Can Without Food or Sleep.

It was sunny when we landed, and Mark had gift pouches, and we giggled in the car so that was all great. But the more I didn't sleep, the more things started to bug me.

1pm, London
Arrive at hotel, where there's an important message for me: d'Artagnan called and wants his blue cape back. No, I like my cape. I'm keeping it.

I was grouchy this trip, it snuck up on me. So everyone started to bug me a little, and I started to bug everyone a little, back. LuAnn was bugging me and I was bugging LuAnn. Heather bugged me when she made us stand up and I was bugged when LuAnn stood up after I didn't stand. Sonja was bugged because I didn't wear a bra and I think Ramona and Aviva had our room bugged. Also, sleep deprivation is loosely connected to an autoimmune bug whose symptoms sometimes manifest as paranoia. Did you know that? I'll come back to it. (Up 20 hours)

Meanwhile, back in New York one very shapely prosthetic leg got a new Superfan. Ramona is completely smitten with Aviva's leg. So am I. Can you believe how amazing it looks? Ramona is right, it looks better than her real unshaven one. And true to her nature -- and her tag line -- Ramona asks the questions a lot of people are thinking. Aviva is so patient answering even the most detailed questions about it -- the shape, the toes, the flat-footed leg vs. the high-heeled one. Aviva has an elegant way of demystifying artificial limbs. Here is a confident, beautiful woman who struts around with her prosthetic leg in a bikini. I'm not sure she could have sent a stronger and more positive message about prosthetic limbs.

 

4pm, London
Shopping

London is a horrible place to shop. That bugs me. The pound here translates to almost exactly $1,000 dollars, for anything. It leaves a lot of people shaking their cans in subways, Sonja makes a good point. Still, it was a nice treat to wander through my old neighborhood. (Up 23 hours)

I try not to get poignant about much. Life is long and if you get sentimental about everything you wear out fast. But Notting Hill was a nice period of time in my life. I came here for a visit a couple of years after my husband died. I planned to stay for a week and I stayed 24.

My new novel, The Widow's Guide to Sex & Dating, started here -- the idea and my original notes for it. I transitioned here. I went from being a widow to just a girl again. There was a boy involved, naturally. The terrain was all new. It was an awkward time, it was a fine time. It was a good start.

8pm, London
Dinner

So, Sleep Deprivation can kill you. Did you know that? You can actually die from it, we could have died. We almost died, we practically died, we were thisclose to death. We didn’t sleep.

Heather is high energy. Wow. Egg pods, egg drops, what? What are "egg drops"? I thought it was a soup. LuAnn drew a blank. Then I thought maybe it was street language because Heather is gangsta chic. But I looked it up in Urban Dictionary -- nothing.

On the other hand, while Heather is taking 20 meetings an hour and building her international empire, Sonja, LuAnn and I are literally dying. Not only from no sleep, but also now from starvation. Did you know that your body starts to eat itself when you starve it? It eats your fat first, then your muscle, then whatever else is left. By the time we got to introductions at Heather's dinner half of my internal organs had collapsed. It's why I couldn't stand up. Then someone announced he was Queen and LuAnn knows the Radziwills (of course!) and I'm a Suck-Up People Pleaser who will say whatever you want to hear as long as I don't have to stand and you give me a little food. (Up 27 hours)

In the end, it's Sonja who gives the classy toast. Right before she orders. . .the ribeye. Plot point.

There is a disorder associated with lack of sleep called Fatal Familial Insomnia (FFI). It belongs to a class of diseases that includes --– drum roll, please -- Mad Cow Disease. Yes, Mad Cow, which we all remember started in England and this is another reason I can't stand up at Heather’s dinner, and also why I'm increasingly grouchy -- I ordered the ribeye, too! Sonja and I are having mad cow hallucinations from the beef and lack of sleep. She heard music playing in her egg pod toilet and I couldn't even pee in mine because my endocrine glands were shutting down.

The toilets were a rip off of the Orgasmatron, anyway. I'm telling Woody Allen when I call him about the movie.

After dinner we went to Annabelle's, a private club that we got into because of Sonja and LuAnn's Olympic-caliber name-dropping. We got back at 3 am. And then, like 10 minutes later, I got up. I have now been awake for almost 34 hours.

5:40 am, Wednesday
Heather's bathroom

Anecdotal reports describe soldiers staying awake for four days in battle, or unmedicated patients with mania going without sleep for three days. But we're not Navy Seals, we're spoiled Housewives and we need our sleep or medication. But there's a TV show. Heather is on television. Heather has all this energy! Heather looks so awake! Where did Heather get so much energy?

She nailed her interview, of course. I could have slept in. Winston Churchill said, "We think too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.' I'm a late worm. There's virtue in it, and good luck.

9pm London, Wednesday
Sleep-over

Finally, what you've been waiting for -- the nasty and dirty and the boozin' and drinkin'. This is it: Middle-aged Girls Gone Wild. Not so boozy or dirty, really. I measured LuAnn’s hips and then her waist to see how fertile she is. Then we braided our hair, took polaroids, talked about boys and, of course, Ramona. (Up 49 hours)

Who brings up Ramona? I do. Crickets.

Speaking of Ramona, I think she still needs work on her Heather impersonation. And I'm impressed with how many people at her table know the Heimlich Maneuver. I don't know the Heimlich Maneuver. Don't sit next to me if you're going to choke. Aviva, I bet, knows how to do it on herself.

So tell me something, I'm still groggy. Did this trip even happen? Or is this whole episode a lulling Twining Tea dream sequence. Do I wake up in next week's show a giant bug like Gregor Samsa? (Gratuitous literary reference). Did Dorothy ever actually meet the Wizard? Did anyone really shoot Bobby Ewing? Did Don Draper cheat on Megan with that girl and kill her then stuff her beneath the bed?

Total days without sleep so far: 2.1. We're nearly Navy Seal certified.

It's bloody late, mates, and I'm zonked. Ta-ta until next week.

Poll Question:
What’s the most bizarre place you ever bonked?

THIS JUST IN: My publisher emailed me today. What Remains is back on the NYTimes Bestseller List!! I’d like to thank all the people who bought it and read it and have tweeted me about it. It's meant a lot. Amazing! If you haven't and are interested you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here.

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

Sonja explains why she and Ramona are family, why she's hiring Aviva, and why LuAnn is still her friend.

At this point, I am numb to the whole BookGate debate. I am not on anyone's side, I just hope that both books are bestsellers and that Carole and Aviva are making enough money to pay the bills with their books because BookGate has definitely taken an emotional toll on their friendship. I know that they were close and had great times together. In fact, Carole was once the godmother to Aviva's daughter. How can this come between them? Such contention over the accusations! I don't know why they let it get so heated. It's not worth it! I just hope that they can forgive each other at some point. As you get to know someone, you get to see their strengths and weaknesses -- and you have to accept those if you're going to be friends.

I was surprised when the girls laughed at me discussing my ability to forgive and voicing my Christianity. I think that it is one of the reasons that I can live my own life and not worry about everyone else's or the grass being greener. It's all relative. We are on Earth for such a short time. I am enjoying every day of my life. I am grateful for the family and friends that I have and my beautiful daughter.

I have so much more than many other people, and I remind myself of that every day with the charity work that I do. That's why I feel so much more comfortable working with artists, animals, the LGBT, and children. It's such a sensitive, caring, and loving place to be. I love my Sonja In The City event planning business because it lets me be me -- an artist and a promoter -- while helping others reach their highest capabilities. Plus I get to do all that while helping me get my daughter through school in a stable environment. It keeps me connected to the movers and shakers who help me manage my investments. I love to produce and to contribute. It makes me feel good.

I believe some of the women fail to take me seriously because I only show them my party side. There is a private side to me that most people don't see, because they only see me out at social events and while I'm entertaining. I throw a lot of events, so a lot of people only see that side, as it's my business and the way I broker some of my deals.

It is amazing how moms like Heather find strength to do dealing with their children's issues, like her son's health and hearing loss. It's what we do with loved ones. We do it with marriage partners too! I surprised myself when my ex had a terrible accident and I was called upon to deal with all of the doctors, therapists, and financial advisors.

I dont feel that Ramona called Aviva vile. She said that she had a vile side. That's different!

I'm not upset that Ramona spoke behind my back about my financial problems. She's human, and I spoke my feelings then and we worked through it the way that family does. We have too much water under the bridge to let opinions or men get in between us.

Heather questioning the legitimacy of my friendship with Ramona is just silly. She knows that we have been friends forever and whatever I have said about Ramona I have told her to her face. Heather knows this very well -- since I'm very upfront about my feelings with her.

The girls saying that Aviva's leg throw was staged is silly. I let Aviva know that everyone was saying she was fake. Even if she plans to throw it on the table to make a point, that doesn't make it staged. It just means she was pushed to a limit. I thought she was hilarious. After all, it was a private party in the back room. We weren't in the actual restaurant. Aviva doesn't go around throwing her leg around in normal restaurant situations. Maybe she and I should take her act on the road! A real dog and pony show! I always said I was a performer, a comedian, and a producer. At my Sonja In The City parties, now we can include Aviva as part of the show!

My overall thoughts of the season was that the reunion had more drama. I felt the season flip-flopped around quite a bit. Harry and I will always have a very strong relationship, just as Ramona and Aviva will always be in my life. Aviva's son Harrison is like my family.

Ramona was definitely going through something this season. I let her know I was upset, but I can't change her and she can't change me. We accept each other the way we are and we work our differences out.

I didn't know LuAnn was going through a breakup. She never shared that with me, and I was getting upset that she wasn't trusting my friendship and was blaming me for everything. I didn't give any credence to any of the rumors that were going around town through the salon that Satoko worked at. Kristen and I just asked the facialist to tell us for fun. I can't stop LuAnn from running out of parties with my guys -- just like I can't stop Harry from taking off and leaving me because he knows I want commitment and he wants to fool around. But that doesn't mean LuAnn's not my friend and that I can't speak my mind in front of her, and it doesn't mean that Harry isn't someone that I love as well.

I hope that you found the season entertaining. I hope that you don't take yourself too seriously! And when the naysayers back you into the corner, just say what Glinda the Good Witch said to the Wicked Witch of the West "Be off with you, your black magic doesn't work here!"

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