Cast Blog: #RHONY

Oxytocin, Oxymorons, and the Big O

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

Oxytocin, Oxymorons, and the Big O

Carole explains her metabolism, her thoughts on love, and gives you an update on Ramona's cab driver.

"An intellectual is someone who has discovered something more interesting than sex." -- Alduous Huxley

I’m going to go out on a limb and say Housewives are not intellectuals. But by Huxley's standard, who is? This episode there's lots of sex talk, again. Ramona has orgasms during bio-sculpt, Sonja's needle feels like a penis, LuAnn masturbates alone, and I'm advocating for sexual revolution. All of this in an episode without George! It's too much. There are some words and phrases that have simply worn out their welcome and while I can't do anything about what we've filmed, I can try to preserve some integrity here. Penis and clitoris and horny, these words and their ilk are shopworn. My vow to you, readers, is to avoid shopworn like a bad case of crabs.

So we're in the home stretch and I feel like a mudder on a dry track. I knew this would happen. We're in our third month of the show and I'm starting to think I'm the only one in on the jokes. Which might mean there never were any jokes, or maybe it means all the jokes are on me. Or it might just be that I'm shopworn and weary. The long dog days of summer are getting to me. I need to go to St. Barths. I need a vacation. Is everyone on vacation? Write to me about your vacation plans. A blogger and passionate Housewife fan, @LynnNchicago, tweeted on what turned out to be the last day of her life "A vacation? I wish, I need one." You always think there will be time and then there's not. RIP Lynn Hudson.

Townhouse Brawl
The party of the jet-setting socialite was a plane wreck. It inspired me to patent a new parlor game, one where each player draws a card with one of the characters of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and we all act out a scene. I get Nurse Ratched. I'm going to start running group therapy and rationing out the cigarettes. Our first session will be on boundaries. Mario doesn't need Ramona to fight his battles and Jacques doesn't need Heather to fight his. Not about his wine game or his exaggerated French accent. He's a pacifist anyway. Last week when offered the chance at fisticuffs with Aviva, he went with a piano concerto in D instead. A friend of mine calls me the Gandhi of reality television, but I think it's actually Jacques.

 

I Love Kids and I Love Dogs, Too!
Are you beginning to get the feeling that Sonja has more baggage than a skycap at Kennedy? In her defense, she'd had a long night. She told me this when she first arrived at Ramona's, she was still hurting from the night before. But like my Grandma Millie used to say, "An awkward morning beats a boring night," so I hope her night was a knockout because this was a very awkward late morning lunch. And for the record, this is another reason I like my lunches cool and casual, so no one's stuck in a chair when the insults start to fly.

Sonja is crying at the lunch table about her dog peeing in bed. Is this normal? Are all those people who sleep in her bed normal? The look on my face belies my feeling I've been had. I told Sonja, don't talk about the dog, exnay about the god-day, Aviva doesn't need to hear about the dog. She's talking about kids without legs. Seriously. Dog excuses seem suspicious, even when they are true. Didn't we learn this in grade school? Dogs do eat homework, they eat almost everything, but we're not allowed to say it. Like I said, it sounds suspicious. Let Aviva be upset and then a simple, "I'm really sorry" fixes all kinds of things. It's like a diamond tennis bracelet when you've been caught en flagrante. "I had an emergency with Milou," would have been fine, no? Short, sincere and sweet would have kept the peace.

 

I had lots of dogs growing up. We buried two in the backyard. Gigi, our pedigree poodle, even got a star turn in my book. I also had cats. My cat Sammi slept with me every night, like Milou sleeps with Sonja. She even died on my pillow. She went quietly, in the night, on my head. I was nine. We buried her next to Gigi. I was stoic, even then.

I do believe there was a serious situation with Milou. There is no doubt that a 17-year-old dog is facing major health problems and approaching the end of his life. There is no cure for 113 years old. Sonja is lucky to have had him for so long. My dog Margaret [pictured below] is only five and it already makes me sad to see gray hairs around her eyes. But that is what happens. And Jake is a sweet 11-year-old boy born with no legs. Lunch was a disaster and we learned Aviva can scream. Stay tuned for more.

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Peace & Pleasuring
Did you get the same warm fuzzy feeling I did watching Ramona and LuAnn bond over nips and masturbation at the swimsuit shop? All of that messy history -- the parenting jabs, alleged blackmail -- and for the sake of beaches and tequila they are willing to put it behind them. It reminded me of when Yasser Arafat shook hands with Yitzhak Rabin in the Rose Garden. Right? We can all get along.

The Story of "O". . .The Big "O"
Oxytocin. I first learned about it researching a story for 20/20 called the Biology of Love. It's a hormone released in women during childbirth and during sex. You can't fall in love without it. It's also called "the bonding hormone," "the love hormone," and "the cuddle hormone." It's the key to monogamy and also, as Sonja says, a good Sunday between the sheets.  

Next time you are post coital and having dreamy thoughts that he's the One while you're spooning after sex, tell him it's the oxytocin, stupid. I'm getting us all t-shirts.

Let's review the three qualities I look for in a man:

1. Highly sexual
2. Geographically undesirable
3. Emotionally unavailable

Don't read too much into that, but Sid Ceaser said all comedy has to be based on truth. You take truth and put a little curlicue at the end. I have some curlicues. Sid is going to be 90 next month and he was married to Florence for 67 years, until she died. My mailman Lenny was married to Lucy for 68 years. They fought like Archie and Edith but they loved each other until the end.

I suddenly have this dreadful urge to get married. OK, it passed. Phew.

Taxi Cab Confessions
The strangest thing happened the other day. I was in a taxi and guess what. The driver was the same man who took Ramona to West 26th Street! Guess what else? He had a notepad. I'm not kidding. I was going to 432 E. 43rd street and as soon as I said the address he wrote it down. But as he was writing it down in the notepad that Ramona advised him to use, he ran a red light. It wasn't his fault because he was looking at the notepad so he couldn't see the light change from yellow to red. It's like a butterfly flapping its wings in South America, causing a tsunami in Bali, and setting off a chain reaction in New York that starts with a bicycle delivery man's swerve and ends in the wife of the head of Goldman Saks catching him with a hooker. Don't ask. I can't tell. Suffice it to say that while notepads make sense in a meeting they may not make sense in moving vehicles.

 

SoulCycle and Jake's Legs
I have this crazy metabolism. It's an unsolved mystery of my life, this weird ability I have to eat pizza and M&Ms and still bike at easy levels. It's how I know there's a God. It's a miracle. Usually when I feel the urge to exercise I lay down and it passes. Don't hate me, God is fair, he gave me a bunch other issues.

Jake, though, is why my soul is healthy and intact. Jake is good for the soul, he's better than SoulCycle. I'm not sure if the cameras captured his spirit, but it was more exalted than any of those sweaty cyclists at the event. This is why you make the extra effort. Because then you don't miss the chance to witness something extraordinary. You think it all might happen with fanfare and pomp but it happens in the quiet moments, sometimes, when you're just showing up for your friends.

As always, you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here. Follow my sister (@teresadifalco) and follow my new favorite Twitdog Penny Lane.

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

Sonja explains why she and Ramona are family, why she's hiring Aviva, and why LuAnn is still her friend.

At this point, I am numb to the whole BookGate debate. I am not on anyone's side, I just hope that both books are bestsellers and that Carole and Aviva are making enough money to pay the bills with their books because BookGate has definitely taken an emotional toll on their friendship. I know that they were close and had great times together. In fact, Carole was once the godmother to Aviva's daughter. How can this come between them? Such contention over the accusations! I don't know why they let it get so heated. It's not worth it! I just hope that they can forgive each other at some point. As you get to know someone, you get to see their strengths and weaknesses -- and you have to accept those if you're going to be friends.

I was surprised when the girls laughed at me discussing my ability to forgive and voicing my Christianity. I think that it is one of the reasons that I can live my own life and not worry about everyone else's or the grass being greener. It's all relative. We are on Earth for such a short time. I am enjoying every day of my life. I am grateful for the family and friends that I have and my beautiful daughter.

I have so much more than many other people, and I remind myself of that every day with the charity work that I do. That's why I feel so much more comfortable working with artists, animals, the LGBT, and children. It's such a sensitive, caring, and loving place to be. I love my Sonja In The City event planning business because it lets me be me -- an artist and a promoter -- while helping others reach their highest capabilities. Plus I get to do all that while helping me get my daughter through school in a stable environment. It keeps me connected to the movers and shakers who help me manage my investments. I love to produce and to contribute. It makes me feel good.

I believe some of the women fail to take me seriously because I only show them my party side. There is a private side to me that most people don't see, because they only see me out at social events and while I'm entertaining. I throw a lot of events, so a lot of people only see that side, as it's my business and the way I broker some of my deals.

It is amazing how moms like Heather find strength to do dealing with their children's issues, like her son's health and hearing loss. It's what we do with loved ones. We do it with marriage partners too! I surprised myself when my ex had a terrible accident and I was called upon to deal with all of the doctors, therapists, and financial advisors.

I dont feel that Ramona called Aviva vile. She said that she had a vile side. That's different!

I'm not upset that Ramona spoke behind my back about my financial problems. She's human, and I spoke my feelings then and we worked through it the way that family does. We have too much water under the bridge to let opinions or men get in between us.

Heather questioning the legitimacy of my friendship with Ramona is just silly. She knows that we have been friends forever and whatever I have said about Ramona I have told her to her face. Heather knows this very well -- since I'm very upfront about my feelings with her.

The girls saying that Aviva's leg throw was staged is silly. I let Aviva know that everyone was saying she was fake. Even if she plans to throw it on the table to make a point, that doesn't make it staged. It just means she was pushed to a limit. I thought she was hilarious. After all, it was a private party in the back room. We weren't in the actual restaurant. Aviva doesn't go around throwing her leg around in normal restaurant situations. Maybe she and I should take her act on the road! A real dog and pony show! I always said I was a performer, a comedian, and a producer. At my Sonja In The City parties, now we can include Aviva as part of the show!

My overall thoughts of the season was that the reunion had more drama. I felt the season flip-flopped around quite a bit. Harry and I will always have a very strong relationship, just as Ramona and Aviva will always be in my life. Aviva's son Harrison is like my family.

Ramona was definitely going through something this season. I let her know I was upset, but I can't change her and she can't change me. We accept each other the way we are and we work our differences out.

I didn't know LuAnn was going through a breakup. She never shared that with me, and I was getting upset that she wasn't trusting my friendship and was blaming me for everything. I didn't give any credence to any of the rumors that were going around town through the salon that Satoko worked at. Kristen and I just asked the facialist to tell us for fun. I can't stop LuAnn from running out of parties with my guys -- just like I can't stop Harry from taking off and leaving me because he knows I want commitment and he wants to fool around. But that doesn't mean LuAnn's not my friend and that I can't speak my mind in front of her, and it doesn't mean that Harry isn't someone that I love as well.

I hope that you found the season entertaining. I hope that you don't take yourself too seriously! And when the naysayers back you into the corner, just say what Glinda the Good Witch said to the Wicked Witch of the West "Be off with you, your black magic doesn't work here!"

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