Tonight's episode should have a Surgeon General Warning on it:
Watching this episode could be hazardous to your sex life; might cause impotence, and may ruin any chance of becoming pregnant.
Tonight's episode, in fact, might do for sex what Mad Cow disease did for the hamburger. What was going on over at the Dreschers?
First, my family. My sister-in-law, @teresadifalco learned a hard lesson about television in the opening scene, and also -- because they're one and the same -- about life. That lesson is: you don't always get quoted right, or in context, just like you don't always walk first into the room.
Teresa's very first line in television was this: "I'm just doing my morning meal."
While it's not damning, it's also not what she said. What she said was “morning deal.” She was doing her morning deal -- alarm clock, shower, kids. She was not doing a morning meal. These things happen, but she's a writer, like me, and so like me is obsessed with words. I bet she freaks out about the "meal." She barely eats.
After our phone call, I packed for Miami and watching me pack made me dizzy. But rest assured. I can take those stairs two at a time in five-inch heels, they're my stairmaster. Most days it's the only exercise I get.
Please, don't look closely, though. I designed them myself and they're not up to code. Apparently a banister is required -- something about safety, kids.
Going Down. . .South
I have another early morning with Sonja, who is all pretty in pink and reading Glamour (gratuitous plug) -- it's the issue with my Kardashian story in it. Remember that? And speaking of Glamour, their September Fashion issue is out and I'm profiled in the Obsession section, "How to dress stylish for TV."
Here's a teaser:
"Whenever I felt nervous about a scene I put on my black leather motorcycle jacket. You have to have a piece that you just feel knockout in. And not knockout glam but knockout like 'no one can mess with me.'"
The funny thing is that I'm wearing that exact jacket in my scene with LuAnn in this week's episode. I wore the jacket and my driving gloves. I guess I was nervous! Don't mess with me.
Down in Miami, more than the weather is heating up.It kicks off with my wraparound hug. Did you see the hug I gave Aviva? I did it to Ranjana too, but it wasn't on-screen. It's my signature hug. I’m famous among my friends for it. Don't try to copy me, I've had it trademarked.
When Sonja arrives at Ranjana's, she's so gracious -- commenting on the chandelier, complimenting the beautiful room, and then watch Ramona. Bunny, sweetness, stick to Pinot. Ramona on real estate is like Donald Trump going on about toaster ovens. Who cares what he thinks?
Ranjana is not only a fabulous face yoga instructor, but an impeccable host. We are so spoiled to be lounging in a pool on top of Miami, drinking champagne and making our faces young. Yes, we look like guppies, but try these poses. You can really feel them. Face yoga is a science and it works.
Beginning here, with face yoga, things take a turn. You can see signs of it. Ramona and Aviva, for instance, might need a little break. It sometimes happens when you live under the same roof.
If there's one thing all of us know about Aviva by now it's that she has a fake leg and she doesn't like to draw attention to it even when she falls at a party. What’s the point? She also knows what she can and can't do with it, because she's had it since she was six. She will entertain attention when it is for a purpose -- for instance, dispelling ignorance or stigma around prostheses. But in a social setting, with friends, the last thing she wants to talk about – much less dwell on -- is her leg. Especially when she can talk about her sex addict dad which, let's be honest, is much more fun.
And about that. . .
Cue The Dreschers
Sonja and Ramona are like an MTV Behind the Scenes Special of Laverne and Shirley. They're giggling and dressing, and wrestling in the shower. Mario is contemplating an unusual threesome, and at dinner, fluids are sprayed, both literally and suggestively.
George likes girls with tans, ice cream asses and sex the new age way with horny goat weed. Sonja likes boys with money, real estate, and sex the old-fashioned way, doggie-style.
It was all too much for Reid; he had to add another house rule: No international face signal for blow job signs. At least not before salad.
Reid's button-up white shirt like he just walked out of Yale is a fresh and sexy departure in this bacchanalian little scene. And I love his facial expressions throughout dinner. It moves so fast, orgasms flying five at a clip. Reid can barely take it all in, but he says a lot by saying little. He's subtle like a Rothko painting – cool and controlled.
Sonja looks very pretty and sweet. Red Riding Hood, meet your wolf.
George seducing Sonja on the beach will, for me, go down as one of the all-time great love scenes. Think Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster's famous beach grope in From Here to Eternity. You can't really hear them saying much in that scene, what with the sand and the surf and Burt Lancaster's heavy breathing, but I have a copy of the original script and Lancaster is actually whispering this in Deborah Kerr's ear:
LANCASTER: "Do you know why you should sleep with me?"
LANCASTER: "Because it would be the kinkiest experience you’ve ever had. Have you ever slept with your friend’s father?"
KERR: "No, but I’ve had the Kobe beef hot dog. Same?"
It seems, however, as is the case in all great love stories, that George and Sonja are, perhaps, star-crossed. Like two ships passing in the cabana bed at Art Basel. It was a bittersweet glimpse of what might have been.
Meanwhile, back in the city, LuAnn and I go shopping. Unlike lunch, which is reserved for talking about friends who aren’t there, shopping is where we go to have "a talk." (Notice the leather motorcycle jacket I am wearing!)
Behind her tinted Jackie Os, I can sometimes see LuAnn's point of view. The problem is, I don't wear Jackie Os, it's strictly aviators for me. This makes it a challenge to follow her logic. Movie stars and international high-profile women do often borrow or are offered garments from high-end clothing designers. It's a common practice that benefits everyone. The women get to look beautiful, the designers get to see their work on a fabulous showcase, and the clothes get press attention in fashion magazines. LuAnn, though, is not any of the above nor is she sitting for Vogue.
These are very dear and close friends, more like family. I simply thought it bad manners that after setting up an introduction and asking the Khans to take the time, that under the guise of browsing Ranjana’s jewelry, LuAnn asked Naeem for a dress. It put him in an unexpected and uncomfortable position. I don’t put my friends in those positions, nor do they do it to me. If LuAnn had asked me first, I would have considered asking Naeem for the favor for her. I hope that was the point that came across, because I do not want to one day find myself chasing LuAnn around an anniversary party with glasses of wine.
Well, we're almost halfway through the season, kids. I'm going to leave you with a line from my new book, it seems to fit tonight's theme. Coming soon to a bookstore near you.
"Some girls want candles and wine, and that's OK. Some like to be whisked out of town, some are fine getting fucked in a room at The Standard. Charles Byrne covered methods of seduction at length in his books. Generally speaking, in almost every species from the Bonobo to the fruit fly, there's a template the male follows: Show confidence, empathy, self-deprecation, then go for the kill." -- The Widow's Guide to Sex & Dating
George, I think it's clear, goes straight for the kill.