Cast Blog: #RHONY

The Art of Seduction, Yoga, and Dirty Ole Dads

Carole laments Sonja and George's failed romance and discusses her confrontation outfit.

Tonight's episode should have a Surgeon General Warning on it:

Watching this episode could be hazardous to your sex life; might cause impotence, and may ruin any chance of becoming pregnant.

Tonight's episode, in fact, might do for sex what Mad Cow disease did for the hamburger. What was going on over at the Dreschers?

First, my family. My sister-in-law, @teresadifalco learned a hard lesson about television in the opening scene, and also -- because they're one and the same -- about life. That lesson is: you don't always get quoted right, or in context, just like you don't always walk first into the room.

Teresa's very first line in television was this: "I'm just doing my morning meal."

While it's not damning, it's also not what she said. What she said was “morning deal.” She was doing her morning deal -- alarm clock, shower, kids. She was not doing a morning meal. These things happen, but she's a writer, like me, and so like me is obsessed with words. I bet she freaks out about the "meal." She barely eats.

After our phone call, I packed for Miami and watching me pack made me dizzy. But rest assured. I can take those stairs two at a time in five-inch heels, they're my stairmaster. Most days it's the only exercise I get.

Please, don't look closely, though. I designed them myself and they're not up to code. Apparently a banister is required -- something about safety, kids.

Going Down. . .South
I have another early morning with Sonja, who is all pretty in pink and reading Glamour (gratuitous plug) -- it's the issue with my Kardashian story in it. Remember that? And speaking of Glamour, their September Fashion issue is out and I'm profiled in the Obsession section, "How to dress stylish for TV."

Here's a teaser:

"Whenever I felt nervous about a scene I put on my black leather motorcycle jacket. You have to have a piece that you just feel knockout in. And not knockout glam but knockout like 'no one can mess with me.'"

The funny thing is that I'm wearing that exact jacket in my scene with LuAnn in this week's episode. I wore the jacket and my driving gloves. I guess I was nervous! Don't mess with me.

Down in Miami, more than the weather is heating up.It kicks off with my wraparound hug. Did you see the hug I gave Aviva? I did it to Ranjana too, but it wasn't on-screen. It's my signature hug. I’m famous among my friends for it. Don't try to copy me, I've had it trademarked.

When Sonja arrives at Ranjana's, she's so gracious -- commenting on the chandelier, complimenting the beautiful room, and then watch Ramona. Bunny, sweetness, stick to Pinot. Ramona on real estate is like Donald Trump going on about toaster ovens. Who cares what he thinks?

Ranjana is not only a fabulous face yoga instructor, but an impeccable host. We are so spoiled to be lounging in a pool on top of Miami, drinking champagne and making our faces young. Yes, we look like guppies, but try these poses. You can really feel them. Face yoga is a science and it works.

 

Beginning here, with face yoga, things take a turn. You can see signs of it. Ramona and Aviva, for instance, might need a little break. It sometimes happens when you live under the same roof.

If there's one thing all of us know about Aviva by now it's that she has a fake leg and she doesn't like to draw attention to it even when she falls at a party. What’s the point? She also knows what she can and can't do with it, because she's had it since she was six. She will entertain attention when it is for a purpose -- for instance, dispelling ignorance or stigma around prostheses. But in a social setting, with friends, the last thing she wants to talk about – much less dwell on -- is her leg. Especially when she can talk about her sex addict dad which, let's be honest, is much more fun.

And about that. . .
Cue The Dreschers

Sonja and Ramona are like an MTV Behind the Scenes Special of Laverne and Shirley. They're giggling and dressing, and wrestling in the shower. Mario is contemplating an unusual threesome, and at dinner, fluids are sprayed, both literally and suggestively.

 

George likes girls with tans, ice cream asses and sex the new age way with horny goat weed. Sonja likes boys with money, real estate, and sex the old-fashioned way, doggie-style.

It was all too much for Reid; he had to add another house rule: No international face signal for blow job signs. At least not before salad.

Reid's button-up white shirt like he just walked out of Yale is a fresh and sexy departure in this bacchanalian little scene. And I love his facial expressions throughout dinner. It moves so fast, orgasms flying five at a clip. Reid can barely take it all in, but he says a lot by saying little. He's subtle like a Rothko painting – cool and controlled.

Sonja looks very pretty and sweet. Red Riding Hood, meet your wolf.

George seducing Sonja on the beach will, for me, go down as one of the all-time great love scenes. Think Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster's famous beach grope in From Here to Eternity. You can't really hear them saying much in that scene, what with the sand and the surf and Burt Lancaster's heavy breathing, but I have a copy of the original script and Lancaster is actually whispering this in Deborah Kerr's ear:

LANCASTER: "Do you know why you should sleep with me?"

KERR: "No."

LANCASTER: "Because it would be the kinkiest experience you’ve ever had. Have you ever slept with your friend’s father?"

KERR: "No, but I’ve had the Kobe beef hot dog. Same?"

 

It seems, however, as is the case in all great love stories, that George and Sonja are, perhaps, star-crossed. Like two ships passing in the cabana bed at Art Basel. It was a bittersweet glimpse of what might have been.

Meanwhile, back in the city, LuAnn and I go shopping. Unlike lunch, which is reserved for talking about friends who aren’t there, shopping is where we go to have "a talk." (Notice the leather motorcycle jacket I am wearing!)

Behind her tinted Jackie Os, I can sometimes see LuAnn's point of view. The problem is, I don't wear Jackie Os, it's strictly aviators for me. This makes it a challenge to follow her logic. Movie stars and international high-profile women do often borrow or are offered garments from high-end clothing designers. It's a common practice that benefits everyone. The women get to look beautiful, the designers get to see their work on a fabulous showcase, and the clothes get press attention in fashion magazines. LuAnn, though, is not any of the above nor is she sitting for Vogue.

These are very dear and close friends, more like family. I simply thought it bad manners that after setting up an introduction and asking the Khans to take the time, that under the guise of browsing Ranjana’s jewelry, LuAnn asked Naeem for a dress. It put him in an unexpected and uncomfortable position. I don’t put my friends in those positions, nor do they do it to me. If LuAnn had asked me first, I would have considered asking Naeem for the favor for her. I hope that was the point that came across, because I do not want to one day find myself chasing LuAnn around an anniversary party with glasses of wine.

Well, we're almost halfway through the season, kids. I'm going to leave you with a line from my new book, it seems to fit tonight's theme. Coming soon to a bookstore near you.

"Some girls want candles and wine, and that's OK. Some like to be whisked out of town, some are fine getting fucked in a room at The Standard. Charles Byrne covered methods of seduction at length in his books. Generally speaking, in almost every species from the Bonobo to the fruit fly, there's a template the male follows: Show confidence, empathy, self-deprecation, then go for the kill." -- The Widow's Guide to Sex & Dating

George, I think it's clear, goes straight for the kill.

Check out Face yoga here. As always, you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here.

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Sonja: Is It Really So Bad to Be Me, Carole?!

Sonja thinks everyone needs to try to be a little more supportive of one another.

Ramona’s birthday lunch was a wonderful event. I’m so glad I was able to help her to feel so comfortable beginning her birthday week. I completely understand her celebrating her birthday for a whole week! She needs all her close friends around her to support her now. I wouldn’t have been so nice to Heather at that event, though, if I had known that she’d been talking badly about my business behind my back. What was with Heather’s BFF Carole knocking my consultations with a psychopharmacologist? Carole isn’t a doctor, and I don’t know why she thinks that she knows what's in the best medical interest for me. I’m currently seeing a neurologist and an endocrinologist in conjunction with the psychopharmacologist--they are all working together to regulate my hormones and my vitamins, and I think that I would know what’s in my best interest. The psychopharamacologist will decide if I need to take any prescriptions, and yes, they do know a lot about vitamins, as they should, and how they interact with medicines. Then I will decide if I want to take a prescription. This is another example of one of the women just being critical and starting rumors. If Carole is really concerned about my health and what my psychopharmacologist does, she should come to me instead of talking about me to everyone in the world in pure speculation.
I’m not surprised, too, that Bethenny was not receptive to me telling her that I am seeing my friend Robin Cofar, who is a Swami Priest and Yogi. In Atlantic City, Bethenny told me that she thought that I needed to see someone and start talking about the things that are going on in my life. Robin and I are doing introspective work, so I thought that Bethenny would want to know that I was taking her advise and trying to slow things down a little bit as she suggested. Instead of being supportive, Bethenny just attacked me! Bethenny has stepped back into this group of girls with a preconceived notion of where I am at. I feel she isn’t taking the time to get to know the real facts in this particular moment. Bethenny wants me to talk to a shrink, because that’s what has worked for her. It’s great that talking to a therapist works for her, but that’s not how I operate. Having said that, my psychopharmacologist has said he may suggest a therapist for me. Bethenny and I are very different people, so we are going to go about getting centered in different ways. I wish that she would respect that I need to follow my own path instead of her trying to force her life experiences onto me. Everyone is an individual and has their own story. The sooner we all realize this, the happier we will be. At least I feel she really cares, and she's damn funny.


I’m not surprised that Bethenny is being harsh with me, because she is very hard on herself. I don’t like when Bethenny says that her talk show and marriage were both failures. I don’t like to look at any life experience as failures. Both the talk show and her marriage brought her to where she is today, and Bethenny needs to focus more on moving forward instead of thinking about her past experiences. I know that I am very grateful for my marriage and for all of the moments I’ve had in my life. Bethenny has a very strict view of success and failure, and that’s why she views my toaster oven venture as a failure. I view it as a growing experience, because I learned so much from producing the toaster oven, and I was able to take the knowledge with me and transpose it into my Sonja Morgan New York fashion line. That's how I finally got here! We can’t forget that we can learn something from each of our life experiences and that we need to focus on moving forward, not backward. Your past can only restrain you if you let it.
I feel bad that Bethenny had such a tumultuous upbringing, but I’m glad that she is trying to reestablish her family roots for her daughter. Being a mother fundamentally changes a person, and I can see that in Bethenny. She is becoming more introspective and trying to figure out how to live her life in a way that is most condusive to being a mother. I completely understand why she said that choosing between her daughter and hanging out with the other women isn’t even a decision. I struggle with the same issue. Ramona and Luann are always saying that I don’t spend enough time with them, but between my businesses and being a mother, sometimes you have to give up a ton of leisure time. There’s nothing more important than being a mom, so the other women should respect that Bryn is Bethenny’s priority. Who needs a ladies luncheon when you can spend quality time with your daughter!
I don’t know why I wasn’t invited to the boxing match! I love boxing (and wrestling), and when you throw in those tasty looking sandwiches and some beers, who couldn’t have a great time! I don’t know why Carole wouldn’t have invited me, because I know that I always invite her to every group event I do. I’ve noticed that Carole has become more dismissive of me, instead of taking the time to really hear what I’m saying. This makes me sad, because I thought that Carole understood that I am always one to support artists, and I would think that she would support me as I have supported her. In fact, she was the first person to say I am an artist and that I should take my caburlesque Off Broadway. I thought she enjoyed my sing song skits that I write. She said I was hilarious.
Speaking of artists, Victoria’s paintings were amazing! She is a lovely girl, and I am so glad that she is so successful! I have been supporting young artists for decades, so maybe I need to include Victoria in one of my young artists’ exhibitions! Looks like I’ve found my next Sonja in the City event!
I don’t know why Carole was so upset when Luann said that her boyfriend is "Sonja young." Is it really so bad to be me Carole?! I also can’t believe Ramona said that my boyfriends are just toys. The men who I date may be young, but they are established independent men who don’t need me to support them. I’m just happy that Carole has a man right now. I’m not trying to poke holes in her relationship like all of the other women are trying to do to mine.
I did love the Christian Louboutins Carole has in her apartment. Those shoes are worth more than $3,000 dollars, so I see why she would want to use them as a centerpiece instead of wearing them. They are art!
You can always count on Ramona to bring a little levity to a situation! That comment about Dorinda being pounded to stay thin was hilarious! Maybe I need to stop working out and just start having more sex! But I don’t know why Ramona tried to belittle Dorinda’s relationship with John. Why can’t these women just be happy for each other?! They all need to take a step back, stop meddling in other people’s lives, and just worry about their own problems while being supportive of their friends. Dorinda is happy. John has been there for her in dark moments.
When you saw me working out, it really is a good representation of my life. I feel like I am always trying to do a million things and that really exemplifies that! That slice of life also really shows that leopard is my neutral! I don’t think I could have put more leopard in that room if I tried. Well until, of course, my Vanessa Noel shoes for my Latino Show magazine cover event arrived! I don’t know how my trainer Toni (Filipone) puts up with me, because I really am always trying to do a million things at once while she is trying to train me. I have eaten a veggie burger, dead headed the window boxes off the gym, taken calls on speaker phone, even organized my dress rack, all while training with her. We all need to remember that life is all about balance! I am the first to admit that I sometimes forget that, but I try to center myself and remind myself of the things that are important. At the end of the day, the most important things are our families, our friends, and our businesses that support us. Let’s all remember that, and we will lead happier and more fulfilled lives! Can’t wait for you all to see my cover next week! I wear my own designs, the team is strong! If I am delusional, why am I wearing the very dress and jewelry I have been designing for years at a Sonja in the City event? At Vanessa Noels Coutuier?

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