Cast Blog: #RHONY

Toast, Toasting, and Toaster Ovens

Carole discusses her time with George the lizard and her thoughts on the "girls' trip."

White Elephant in the Room
It's still Christmas in August! I hosted my holiday party at Hotel Griffou because it's in my neighborhood and quintessential. Quintessential? Who says quintessential? Note in my notepad: Stop saying quintessential.

Griffou has a long shady history of boozy nights and notorious scamps, from Sinatra and Nicholson to Oscar Wilde. And like all good hangouts, it has a grisly murder in its past. A century ago when it was Madame Griffou's boarding house, a young girl was killed by her much older and married lover there, and then he killed himself. I think they still haunt the place. I think that's why Jacques didn't show. #Superstitious.

An important skill when hosting a dinner, by the way, is the ability to adjust the seating when someone doesn't show. When I thought Jacques was coming, I had him seated on my right and LuAnn on my left, because they're good company and I enjoy them. Although I definitely did not enjoy the whooping and scalping jokes at Le Cirque, I wanted to smooth things out. Jacques didn't show, but he got the wine coaster-cock ring. LuAnn came stag and got George. All's well that ends.

Here's the party, in a nutshell. Please sing these lines to the off-key tune of a popular Christmas song with a partridge.

Five espresso cups,
One cock ring.
Ball gaggy thing,
And a fast and skinny lizard on my arm.

The Story of George, and Martha
I decided against trading my lizard for the good karma jewelry and instead took him home and named him George, after the randy dinner guest who brought him.

I bought George a terrarium and filled it with foliage and little logs to climb up and down on, but George was lonely. So I brought home Martha and recast them as the ferociously married couple of Edward Albee's play, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

(Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton scream and insult their way through the movie version of this play, in quintessential Housewife style.)

Martha seemed good for George. They ran and wrestled and chased. I occasionally caught Martha lying on George in what looked like a tender post-coital moment. They were young and in love, I thought. They had their whole lives ahead of them. That is, until they didn't.

One night I came home to find Martha bent and splayed at unnatural angles. She wasn't breathing. I called Louie, the pet specialist from Petland where I'd found Martha. He came right over. Louie examined her and gravely delivered the news: Martha's neck was broken – violently, as if she'd been hurled against a wall. Like, maybe, a glass terrarium wall! Louie also noticed something about George. There were abrasions and cuts on his legs and abdomen, and bite marks on his neck. Louie had seen it before -- these were tell-tale signs of lizard abuse. Like their namesakes, Martha and George had been engaged in a gruesome and pathological dance. But then Louie made a more startling revelation. Martha was a boy!

Suddenly, I had a juicy scandal and potential homicide on my hands. Was it an accident? Did Martha careen into the glass in a frantic attempt to escape or was it murder and made to look like an accident? We may never know. George succumbed to his injuries the following week.

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RIP George You were a Good Man.

Hustle and Flow
There’s no time to cry about dead lizards, though, when there are buns in the toaster oven. Where's the head on that torso? And where's Sonja?

I'm glad I finally got to see this photo shoot, I'd been hearing about it for months. This is the photo shoot that launched a thousand fights, an infamous battle of the Toaster Oven Wars. This photo shoot, in fact, is a continuous source of friction until the very last day, and last moment we filmed. Don't ask, I can't tell.

We're always encouraged in these sorts of disputes to "take a side." Usually my side is, "I don't take sides when two grown women are fighting." But after seeing the photo shoot caper I will come clearly down on the side of Heather.

Heather is an expert in branding. She holds 11 patents from the United States government. Do you know how hard it is to get anything from the United States government? She is an expert in getting her message out. We spent the first month of the series talking about how much Heather talked about Yummie Tummie (behind her back, naturally.) She knows what she's doing.

Heather knows what she's doing, Big Guns knows what he's doing. Sonja is late. She's worried Big Guns is late. Sonja must have asked for Big Guns 300 times. Sonja doesn't seem like a business woman, Sonja's a character. Sonja's a lot of things. For the life of me, though, I don't understand her obsession with toaster ovens. Show me one that can prepare the meal then cook and clean itself, and I'm listening.

Toaster oven or not, Lady Morgan knows how to pose. She's like a golden age movie star. She steps in front of the camera and blooms like a tropical flower. It's not easy to hold a pose like she does. I’ve tried to make her "sexy face" but end up looking like I've just smelled bad fish. That face and perfectly curved mouth should be posed in front of cameras all day, it could sell anything. Anything but toaster ovens.

There are only 3.2 million toaster ovens sold in the United States every year. So unless you're shipping them to China it's hard to make a living selling them. Why, then, is Sonja in this business when she could be doing a madcap one-woman play on Broadway? I would happily write it for her, and I keep telling her this but she won't listen to me.

I don't know what to say about menstruation. Is it peri-menopause that makes middle-aged women draw attention to their periods? Jason says it best: Yuck. Gross. This photo shoot needed more hustle and less flow.

Watch Sonja's toaster oven videos to learn some things about tinfoil. Did you know it's thought to cause Alzheimers? #crazy.

Big Guns, give that torso my number. I'd like to get a drink with Josh's torso sometime.

Pizza Anyone?
Ramona is talking real estate again. Yes, this is my petite casa. In Manhattan real estate speak, it's also my 2-bedroom 1-bath duplex apartment. I only allowed them on the first floor.

I don't have meals at home. I host dinners out with candles, place cards, and games (see above: Hotel Griffou). I never have food in my house. I like my lunches like my men -- cool and casual. You're not going to get a formal lunch with me, sorry. I'm a pizza-eating on-the-fly kind of girl, the ladies are lucky I didn't bring out Cup O’ Noodles. It's one of my top five favorite foods and I have an entire cupboard of them. (They last forever.)

In lieu of food, I got the ladies personalized M&Ms. How fun is that?!?

White: Ramona Pinot
Yellow: Yummie Tummie
Pink: Chic ce le Vie
Blue: Sonja in the City (with a sexy “j”)
Green: One Step Ahead (Sorry Vivs, I couldn’t fit “Foundation”)

Salads, and then a trip. I wanted to take a break from writing -- I'd finished my manuscript but had rounds of edits coming up -- and because Russ was playing a blues festival in St. Barths, I thought it might be fun to go. Blues Festival to visit Russ. Time off after handing in my book. Two reasons for the trip. Remember that.

Did I really say I wanted to spend time with all of them as much as I wanted to see Russ? Did you hear me say that? In real life, I'd rather spend the entire week shacked up with Russ at a beachside motel in Asbury Park than spend a week with five women at a $40 million dollar house in St Barth's. But this is Reality. Russ is cute and he writes songs and plays music and doesn't care if he's invited to the party or if someone talks behind his back. He cuddles better than anyone else I know, too.

"Girls trip" Oh no! That is going to bite me on the reunion couch. Stay tuned.

Leave a man missing you, good advice Miss Sonja. I love the feeling of missing someone. I even said so in Episode 3.

"I have mental problems too," said Ramona. Did you hear her say that? This is one of the reasons I like her, she's guileless.

During the filming of this scene I didn’t notice how anxious Aviva was. But watching it, it’s very clear that she does not want to go without Reid.

"Mark my words you’re going to have a great time!" Ramona chirps to Aviva as the healthy salad lunch ends. LuAnn, a bit more darkly, adds, "Or you're going to totally regret it."

Curtain comes down.

ACT 2: Who will eat their words? Will it be Ramona or Luann?

Who can spell Photoshop?
Ramona may have looked 40 years younger in her photo but she was up to her old tricks at this last party. She was especially crazy tonight -- pulling people aside, this way and that. She's like Sue Sylvester on Glee, yanking kids out of chorus lines, in front of all their friends, to "have a talk."

And what are the talks about? Blackballed! From Sonja's toaster shoot! OMG! It was a photo shoot. It's not the McCarthy hearings. And there were already too many cooks in the kitchen without tinfoil.

LuAnn was right. Heather should have just said, "I don't want you there, Ramona. You're a pain in the ass."

The new Ramona is screaming, I dont understand this. Old Ramona screams, New Ramona screams, there's chatter at yoga. She needs to hold plank position until her life changes. Old Ramona is the new New Ramona.

War of the Rose Lipsticks
I've never seen Aviva or Heather wear red lipstick before or after this party. Why am I so shiny? I was sick that night but dragged myself uptown where I hoped for a good bout of screaming. What did you think about my ponytail? I wasn't sure if I liked it, there was a bump where there shouldn't have been. I hate when that happens. I'm in search or the perfect pony tail.

The wine game was a joke that no one got. Big deal. Why is Aviva asking about the wine game? Second to the photo shoot fiasco is the wine fiasco. I still don't get why anyone cares about the wine game. Ramona could barely muster any crazy for it. She's been holding the fifth since before the plank pose that changed her life. Everyone is looking for a fight tonight.

Aviva talked behind LuAnn's back. Heather and I listened behind Aviva's back. Mario talked behind the front of Jacques back. Ramona chimed in over Heather's back. I was trying not to talk behind anyone's back, but there were so many backs! There were backs everywhere you turned.

The highest level of disrespectful? Viv's, what are you talking about? You had me at Hello but then you lost me at -- cue dramatic music

My blog, much like this week's show, is a cliffhanger. To Be Continued. . .

P.S. Mt Airy, North Carolina is the "Toaster Capital of the World." I'm planning another girls getaway, who's in?

Check out face yoga here. As always, you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here. Also, follow Russ Irwin (@RussIrwin1) and my sister (@teresadifalco).

 

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RIP Martha You Sick Bastard.

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Sonja: Is It Really So Bad to Be Me, Carole?!

Sonja thinks everyone needs to try to be a little more supportive of one another.

Ramona’s birthday lunch was a wonderful event. I’m so glad I was able to help her to feel so comfortable beginning her birthday week. I completely understand her celebrating her birthday for a whole week! She needs all her close friends around her to support her now. I wouldn’t have been so nice to Heather at that event, though, if I had known that she’d been talking badly about my business behind my back. What was with Heather’s BFF Carole knocking my consultations with a psychopharmacologist? Carole isn’t a doctor, and I don’t know why she thinks that she knows what's in the best medical interest for me. I’m currently seeing a neurologist and an endocrinologist in conjunction with the psychopharmacologist--they are all working together to regulate my hormones and my vitamins, and I think that I would know what’s in my best interest. The psychopharamacologist will decide if I need to take any prescriptions, and yes, they do know a lot about vitamins, as they should, and how they interact with medicines. Then I will decide if I want to take a prescription. This is another example of one of the women just being critical and starting rumors. If Carole is really concerned about my health and what my psychopharmacologist does, she should come to me instead of talking about me to everyone in the world in pure speculation.
I’m not surprised, too, that Bethenny was not receptive to me telling her that I am seeing my friend Robin Cofar, who is a Swami Priest and Yogi. In Atlantic City, Bethenny told me that she thought that I needed to see someone and start talking about the things that are going on in my life. Robin and I are doing introspective work, so I thought that Bethenny would want to know that I was taking her advise and trying to slow things down a little bit as she suggested. Instead of being supportive, Bethenny just attacked me! Bethenny has stepped back into this group of girls with a preconceived notion of where I am at. I feel she isn’t taking the time to get to know the real facts in this particular moment. Bethenny wants me to talk to a shrink, because that’s what has worked for her. It’s great that talking to a therapist works for her, but that’s not how I operate. Having said that, my psychopharmacologist has said he may suggest a therapist for me. Bethenny and I are very different people, so we are going to go about getting centered in different ways. I wish that she would respect that I need to follow my own path instead of her trying to force her life experiences onto me. Everyone is an individual and has their own story. The sooner we all realize this, the happier we will be. At least I feel she really cares, and she's damn funny.


I’m not surprised that Bethenny is being harsh with me, because she is very hard on herself. I don’t like when Bethenny says that her talk show and marriage were both failures. I don’t like to look at any life experience as failures. Both the talk show and her marriage brought her to where she is today, and Bethenny needs to focus more on moving forward instead of thinking about her past experiences. I know that I am very grateful for my marriage and for all of the moments I’ve had in my life. Bethenny has a very strict view of success and failure, and that’s why she views my toaster oven venture as a failure. I view it as a growing experience, because I learned so much from producing the toaster oven, and I was able to take the knowledge with me and transpose it into my Sonja Morgan New York fashion line. That's how I finally got here! We can’t forget that we can learn something from each of our life experiences and that we need to focus on moving forward, not backward. Your past can only restrain you if you let it.
I feel bad that Bethenny had such a tumultuous upbringing, but I’m glad that she is trying to reestablish her family roots for her daughter. Being a mother fundamentally changes a person, and I can see that in Bethenny. She is becoming more introspective and trying to figure out how to live her life in a way that is most condusive to being a mother. I completely understand why she said that choosing between her daughter and hanging out with the other women isn’t even a decision. I struggle with the same issue. Ramona and Luann are always saying that I don’t spend enough time with them, but between my businesses and being a mother, sometimes you have to give up a ton of leisure time. There’s nothing more important than being a mom, so the other women should respect that Bryn is Bethenny’s priority. Who needs a ladies luncheon when you can spend quality time with your daughter!
I don’t know why I wasn’t invited to the boxing match! I love boxing (and wrestling), and when you throw in those tasty looking sandwiches and some beers, who couldn’t have a great time! I don’t know why Carole wouldn’t have invited me, because I know that I always invite her to every group event I do. I’ve noticed that Carole has become more dismissive of me, instead of taking the time to really hear what I’m saying. This makes me sad, because I thought that Carole understood that I am always one to support artists, and I would think that she would support me as I have supported her. In fact, she was the first person to say I am an artist and that I should take my caburlesque Off Broadway. I thought she enjoyed my sing song skits that I write. She said I was hilarious.
Speaking of artists, Victoria’s paintings were amazing! She is a lovely girl, and I am so glad that she is so successful! I have been supporting young artists for decades, so maybe I need to include Victoria in one of my young artists’ exhibitions! Looks like I’ve found my next Sonja in the City event!
I don’t know why Carole was so upset when Luann said that her boyfriend is "Sonja young." Is it really so bad to be me Carole?! I also can’t believe Ramona said that my boyfriends are just toys. The men who I date may be young, but they are established independent men who don’t need me to support them. I’m just happy that Carole has a man right now. I’m not trying to poke holes in her relationship like all of the other women are trying to do to mine.
I did love the Christian Louboutins Carole has in her apartment. Those shoes are worth more than $3,000 dollars, so I see why she would want to use them as a centerpiece instead of wearing them. They are art!
You can always count on Ramona to bring a little levity to a situation! That comment about Dorinda being pounded to stay thin was hilarious! Maybe I need to stop working out and just start having more sex! But I don’t know why Ramona tried to belittle Dorinda’s relationship with John. Why can’t these women just be happy for each other?! They all need to take a step back, stop meddling in other people’s lives, and just worry about their own problems while being supportive of their friends. Dorinda is happy. John has been there for her in dark moments.
When you saw me working out, it really is a good representation of my life. I feel like I am always trying to do a million things and that really exemplifies that! That slice of life also really shows that leopard is my neutral! I don’t think I could have put more leopard in that room if I tried. Well until, of course, my Vanessa Noel shoes for my Latino Show magazine cover event arrived! I don’t know how my trainer Toni (Filipone) puts up with me, because I really am always trying to do a million things at once while she is trying to train me. I have eaten a veggie burger, dead headed the window boxes off the gym, taken calls on speaker phone, even organized my dress rack, all while training with her. We all need to remember that life is all about balance! I am the first to admit that I sometimes forget that, but I try to center myself and remind myself of the things that are important. At the end of the day, the most important things are our families, our friends, and our businesses that support us. Let’s all remember that, and we will lead happier and more fulfilled lives! Can’t wait for you all to see my cover next week! I wear my own designs, the team is strong! If I am delusional, why am I wearing the very dress and jewelry I have been designing for years at a Sonja in the City event? At Vanessa Noels Coutuier?

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