Cast Blog: #RHONY

You Didn't Invite Me to Your Party, Behind My Back!

Carole explains the rules of Housewives Fight Club, her cape, and her royal lineage.

Thanks for all your tweets and comments about my blog. Writing it is turning out to be really fun. And thanks for all the calls and questions on Andy's show last night. If you missed it, then you missed me playing ShagShagShag where viewers learned, among other things, that I'm down with the swirl.

OK, so first off let's review the cardinal rules of Real Housewives Fight Club. I can trace almost every fight, on every episode, of every Housewife franchise in every city to a breach of one or both of these:

1. Don't Talk Behind My Back.

2. Invite Me To Your Party.

This week, at lunch, I broke Rule No. 1 before they'd even poured the water. In my defense, I was hungry. They put a teaspoon of pasta in my bowl, did you see that? I'd only had a sugar cookie for breakfast (as opposed to Aviva's hard-boiled egg) and they didn't give us bread. So for the better part of that lunch I was distracted from lack of food. Remember I'm Siciliano, I like to eat!

 

But I spent every minute I wasn't distracted by food, talking about Heather. Behind her back. OMG. Did you see me? I went all mean girl, and we pinkie-swore in the first episode we weren't going to do that! The only thing crazier than Heather talking is how much we all talked about how much Heather is talking, and trust me, you're only seeing a glimpse of it. We talked behind Heather's back about her talking in front of us so much that a month later we were all still talking about it! For the record, Heather doesn't talk much more than the rest of us, it was just something for us to talk about. . .her talking.

Meanwhile, over at the Sidecar LuAnn is thrilled that Sonja broke her lunch date with us to do oyster shooters and -- like us -- break Rule No 1. They spend the entire lunch talking about Ramona. We spent our entire lunch talking about Heather. So who did Heather talk about at lunch? We may never know. Maybe Heather didn't talk about anyone at lunch, maybe she preserved the first rule, but not so much the second which is: "You didn't invite me to your party, biatch. Holla."

I’ll come back to that.

My downstairs neighbor, Tripp, went with me to the Occupy Wall Street protest.

PROTEST POLL QUESTION:

"We are the 99 percent" is a political slogan used by the Occupy Wall Street movement. But they borrowed it. Originally, it was:

a) The words Sally Field chanted at the end of Norma Rae, a movie based on real life union organizer Crystal Lee Sutton
b) The percentage of men over 55 who suffer from erectile dysfunction
c) The name of a Tumblr page launched by a 28-year-old New Yorker going by the name of "Chris"
d) Sub-title of Aldous Huxley's classic 1932 bestseller, Brave New World
(See answer below.)

The protest was calm, but the issue is pretty serious. In a nutshell, the top 1 percent of Americans collect over 20 percent of the nation's income, and that number has more than doubled since the early '80s. In the previous five decades (1930s through the '70s) the share of income that went to the wealthiest Americans was stable, and even declined some while middle-class incomes rose. It's only been in the last 30 years that economists have seen that trend reverse. Sharply. Right now, in 2012, we are witnessing the greatest wage inequality our country has ever seen and no one knows how to fix it. I'm technically a part of that 1 percent now, but I grew up a 99-percenter. And you can take the girl out of the 99 perecent, but you can't take the 99 percent out of the girl. I get it.

People are mad as hell and they should be. It's an egregious injustice (like Heather not inviting Ramona to London.)

Back uptown, no one is feeding Sonja. (There is a theme emerging in this episode, of hungry women and their arduous quests for food.) Sonja Morgan does a star turn in this episode as Blanche DuBois. How does she wake up looking like that? I bet it has everything to do with Millsaps. I'm stealing Millsaps. I want a bosomy Southern intern, I want one for everyone. I think if everyone had Millsaps the economy wouldn't have collapsed, we’d all be titled 100 percenters and gross national blood pressure would be down. Instead of asking Mario and Jacques if they have a brother, I should be asking if Millsaps has a sister. Is that a crumb tray in Sonja's bed? Hurricanes, dogs, electrical work, missing light bulbs. . .with all of that, how can Sonja find time to answer a phone? Except for royalty. Royalty leave a message. Beep.

In the first moment of this episode, I have a character flaw. Fine. I talked behind Heather's back about her talking so much in front of us. I also did a strange urban handshake thing with Ramona, I had low blood sugar. But in the last scene, I have a much more serious flaw involving fashion. You know what I'm talking about.

What. Am. I. Wearing?

I swear, the cape dress, the bunned hair, all looked cool in real life -- but on-screen I look like the love child of Princess Leia and Darth Vader! I look like I raced over to Sonja's Social Life party straight from a Star Wars Convention, and with apparently no time to change. And unfortunately, because I stayed so long at the Star Wars Convention, I missed the drama at this party. All of it!

Quick Princess sidebar: There's been a lot made of the Countess and the Princess. Title title blah title blah Princess Countess blah. I call LuAnn, "LuAnn" and she doesn't seem to mind. Sonja calls her "Countess" and she doesn't seem to mind that either. (By the way, I looked up Borghese and it IS the name of a cosmetics company. I told you!)

I do not call myself or ask anyone else to call me Princess. I used it for the tag line in the show, but that was in fun -- I couldn't resist the word play. I married a man who had a title, but that doesn't represent who I am. My identity comes from what I've earned in my life. I'm as All-American as they come -- a product of the American Dream, really, and I'm proud of that. I respect my late husband's legacy and the legacy of his family. They have a rich and storied history that goes back centuries and is an integral part of their country. But that belonged to Anthony and his family, not to me.

I've met Princes and Counts and Dukes of Earls along the way. I even interviewed Prince Andrew for Glamour. But a title is not impressive. Character is. And that's not defined by a title, it's defined by your actions, behavior and, more importantly, how you treat others. My late husband used to say, "it doesn't matter where you start, it only matters where you end up."

If LuAnn wants to use her title she should use it. People should chill out, and let her. LuAnn and I have a few bumps and scrapes along the way, but not about her letting people call her Countess.

OK, back to the Housewife Rules, and Heather and Ramona and London.

So not only did Heather not invite Ramona to her party (Rule No. 2), she didn't invite her behind her back (Rule No. 1). It's the double toe loop into an airplane spin of Housewife behavior. Ramona even invited Heather to drinks so Heather could either invite her or disinvite her to her face, but Heather didn't crack. I am in awe of Heather. I would have cracked.

It's possible that in this last scene, Sonja's party, that Ramona has been over-served. And Heather continues to torment her by not inviting or dis-inviting her to her face. What? Who me? Where? She is cool as a cat.

In return, Ramona concocts event after event to invite Heather to. Watching it play out makes me squirm. If Heather doesn't want to invite her then she doesn't have to invite her, but it's like an Upper East Side waterboarding! Ramona is inviting Heather and her husband and her dog and her neighbors and future children and all Aviva's future children to everything she can think of and still, Heather does not crack.

Finally, Mario has to whisk Ramona off to the bathroom, where I can only assume he spritzed her with his calming Mario scent. Ramona, bunny, I know you think you're being subtle, but you're about as subtle as a Housewife at a Star Wars convention.

The poll answer is C. It was originally the name of Tumblr blog (Wikipedia).

Until next week, my friends. May the force be with you.

#stealingmillsaps

Follow me on Twitter here, and you can get my book, of course, here. My web site is here, Like me on Facebook here and you can learn about the ancient art of face yoga from my friend Ranjana, here Oh, and follow my friend Lenny on Twitter, too! He's here.

 

Kristen: To Brunch or Not to Brunch

Kristen wonders what the underlying issue was between Bethenny and Ramona.

I like watching Carole and Heather together. They’re like sisters--easy and relaxed with one another. Carole is too funny with her pillow!

It seems to me that Ramona is really close to Dorinda. I am happy to see that Ramona is confiding in Dorinda. I am also happy to hear Dorinda comment on the whole Mario in-the-press thing. It really is the elephant in all of our rooms. It’s such a shame that he went about things the way that he did. Out of respect for his family, you would think he could be discreet? The good news is that Ramona is a very strong woman, her daughter isn’t a baby anymore, and well…Ramona is surrounded by loving friends. Oh, and she’s “keeping the company of men.” You go, girl!

Sonja arrives in true Sonja fashion: large, loud, and proud. She has food and complains about rooms and traffic. I didn’t realize that Sonja and Dorinda had not met yet. Hello! Bad first impression! Despite it all, I do really love Sonja.

Bethenny is back in the car, this time with an assistant--last week it was a real estate agent. Next week, who will it be? I think the title of her next book should be I live in My Car, or I Wrote this Book in My Car. Or, It’s Easy to Have Relationships in My Car the Minute the Car Door Opens, I just Suck at Them. Or, It’s Easy to Have Relationships with Paid Employees in My Car, just not unpaid regular people or any man outside of my car? Toooo much!

As much as I LOVE a beer, I don’t think I would ever pull one out of my bag!

Kristen Taekman

She is exhausted, I’m exhausted…Andy, let’s drink every time we hear the word CAR. LOL!

Luann’s estate sale. If I had been there, I would’ve cried for sure. Wow, that’s got to be so darn hard! A lifetime collection of your very personal belongings, and there they are, total strangers picking through them like vultures! Lu’s new house is wonderful, by the way. New beginnings!

I actually spent some time with Luann at her new home that summer, so it was not my first time visiting. Her new house is really a dream house. Cute, quaint, on the water, great yard. It really is the new Luann. It’s a fresh start in so many ways. I am very, very happy for Luann and her new beginnings.

It was funny watching Carole meet Adam for the first time. I was outside when this was happening. I think she was smitten immediately. Hilarious how she was faking that she could cook. Hilarious!

When I walk in to meet the girls at Lu’s and get the recap on the day, I am surprised and happy to hear that Ramona apologizes to Luann. It seemed very much like a heartfelt apology. This is the first time we are all together talking about Mario and Ramona. Last summer, there was so much in the tabloids. We are commenting on what we read and saw in the press. Interesting that Heather refers to it as “Mob wife syndrome.” But after 25 years together, it makes sense.

The party. Oh, Sonja... As much as I LOVE a beer, I don’t think I would ever pull one out of my bag! OMG…at least go to the package store, get a six pack, and share! #Hello! This is very strange to me. I thought she was talking about drinking tequila earlier? What’s that saying, again? Beer before liquor never sicker. Liquor before beer never fear?

We are all a bit hesitant to see Sonja. The last time we were with her was the reunion, and you remember how that went down? #delusional 

Bethenny enters. I was in the other room so I didn’t see her walk in. I just remember rounding the corner into the kitchen, and I walked right into her and Dorinda. We said our hellos, she asked about Josh, and then off she went to make a drink.

To brunch or not to brunch. I was in the middle of all this ping-ponging back and forth. I first wonder, do Bethenny and Ramona have some years of old, unfinished business still lingering? Do they hate each other? Is it weird that Bethenny is back? Is Ramona fearful that she is taking her friends away? Hmmm…one wonders. This whole brunch thing was a miscommunication…it always is. Bethenny genuinely had no idea who was staying where. Ramona’s email inviting us to brunch didn’t make it to all of our inboxes, so we had no idea!

I am sure Bethenny was coming from a place of “why would we go to a restaurant when we all have these amazing houses?" And she really wasn’t interested in cooking. Two things you never turn down is when Bethenny Frankel offers to make you a drink or cook something for you--you do NOT say NO. She is amazing at both! I really didn’t care either way. I was ready to hit the road the next day and get back to the city. LOL, enough of the drama I like my #easylikesundaymornings to be just that--EASY! #tobecontinued

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