Cast Blog: #RHONY

Coma Toast

Episode 13: Bravotv.com's Editor does the unthinkable -- she tries to recap all of the 'Wives antics from the first leg of their St. Barth's trip.

St. Barths, St Barts, St. Barth's. However you spell it, it's happening now! We've waited for eons for its splendor, and now it's finally time. Our favorite NYC women (minus Aviva for now), hopped into the tiny plane and made it to the bougiest place in the Caribbean. I'll abandon my NYC-centric wrap up this week in favor of simply choosing the most pinnacle, amazing, delightful moments that nearly left me "coma toast."

However, as a recapper, that task is harder than usual. There are simply too many morsels of joy in this episode. There are too many amazing retorts, cries for pool toys, sparkly dances, and shocking twists for me to get my tiny arms around. I’m going to try for you my babies. Because I am inspired. Like LuAnn I am not some regular pirate woman -- I am above and beyond.

Moonin' Around with Ramonja
After finding that Carole has stayed at this very locale before, and more importantly finding that Jean-Baptiste and Tony are up to Sonja's standards of hot service men, the ladies begin to settle in.

The house is insane! Maybe the most delightfully ridiculous destination in Housewives history -– two pools, plenty of noodles, really divine sleeping quarters with insane views. Of course the Bobbsey Twins lay claim on the master suite, because they need their room to “moon around.” Never was a more apt description uttered. These two can moon around with the best of them, showering, dancing in the mirror (as we later see), having private cocktail hours. It’s best to keep them conveniently located, plus didn’t we all see Ramona propose? It’s serious.

If you need more brief, please watch this bonus clip of Ramonja unpacking/mooning around.

And then Heather breaks her nose. There is a thing as having too nice of quarters, because Heather just rammed herself right into those expensive glass doors. Those spectacular views will tantalize you right into the glass Heather, just like a sweet, delicate baby bird. Thankfully, LuAnn the nurse was on deck to administer her medical advice -- a favor Heather would repay by directing a hungover LuAnn to protein later in the episode.

Wine-fall
Ah Carole is correct, the greatest feature of the villa is a wine vending machine. This magical machine dispenses wine in convenient breast-sized portions, leading us to what I think is the second most startling reveal of this episode -- apparently breasts that are unable to fit in wine glasses are simply too much. I worry that there is a lot of disparity in wine glass sizes, but I do take comfort knowing that pretty much universally by wine-glass standards I still fit Sonja’s definition of a properly sized boob. What about you dear readers? Have you ever shoved your bossoms into a wine glass and found your cup runneth over?

Sonja also teaches us something important about employment. Don’t fire anyone until you know if Sonja wants to f--k him.

Of course, there aren’t enough hot waiters in the world to stop the toaster over castara, and the gals all make various excuses to get up from the table so Sonja and Heather can hash it out. Thankfully before too long the argument cycles back around to the important thing –- how hot and not-gay logo man James is –- and things seem almost calm when Carole’s manfriend Russ arrives.

Of course, Ramona puts on perfect behavior, and Sonja is her charming self so there was no need for Carole to be nervous. How could Russ have not adored this batch of loons?!? Of course, the other gals all begin to pine for their fellers and give Radzi some grief. However she’s not having it. She is always with their husbands so y’all just shut it! This was a rendezvous.

Sonja Day
To keep anyone from feeling too planny, each wife will take a turn planning a day. Day 2 is Sonja day, which means the "it" beach, pink champagne, and trying to restrain Ramona from taking a “Japanese tourist” number of photos. After the proper number of banana rum shots, we uncover a new mystery (Carole used to date Clooney!), wonder if Ramona has spookish, and ponder just how many men are inside the restaurant that Sonja would like to meet.

Soon enough it’s nightfall giving Sonja and Ramona reason to do a little preparty bathroom dancing (they even let LuAnn join). It’s good to practice. You just want to make sure you’re going to look tops once you’re in action. Plus “we have a party no matter where we go” is the Ramoja mantra. They'll get their wish to dance on a sturdy table soon enough.

We arrive at the bar and meet the very handsome Tomas. Tomas looks just like Johnny Depp, in case you didn’t hear LuAnn mention it. Under the influence of Tomas and tequila the ladies join the show, with Ramona quickly mounting a stage and then the ladies getting into full pirate garb for a special performance of their own.

As our favorite pirates contort their bodies and force their pelvises to walk the plank, we notice that LuAnn isn’t as integrated into the dance scene as the other ladies. She is off looking for special treatment. She’s “not like your other pirate women, OK?” She’s “not just any pirate woman.” She’s The Countess people and a member of the Native American community OK. Don’t mess with her!

The Hangover
The next morning LuAnn is feeling a touch worse for wear. Heather tries to help her to get some coffee and eggs, but it seems Ms. Thomson has some questions about what led her to this egg-desperate state. Was it her Italian friends? Not so say the ladies. You see Carole heard two men’s voices -- LuAnn’s and someone speaking French . . .

But before we get to that let’s talk about hungover Sonja. Just to clarify her delicate condition was not at the hands of Ramona -- they sleep on separate sides of the bed people, so don't blame Ramona if Sonja wakes up worse for wear. She’s “coma toast” at her own hand. At her own, banana-rum/tequila/pink champagne holding hand.

LuAnn calls her regular Frenchman Jacques to discuss how much fun she had the eve before. But the women are very curious about exactly what went down. And Detective Singer is on the case. Only briefly distracted by how she’s going to prevent Reid from sleeping there, she is hot on the trail of finding out who LuAnn was hanging out with in the early morning hours.

LuAnn maintains it was her group of Italian friends, before making a quick call to her friend Cat to keep a lid on the fact that Tomas did come to the house last night.

Of course, because you invite a hundred people to a party and the only one that shows up is the one you are trying to keep a secret –- Tomas shows up to the house for the gals’ party with literally one other person (LuAnn’s friend Cat).

Next week Aviva arrives, with Reid of course, so we shall see if Ramona and Co. allow him to stay there. But before all that, please leave your favorite moment of St. Barths, Part 1 in the comment. Was it the pool toys? The wine dispenser? Tomas?

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Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

Sonja explains why she and Ramona are family, why she's hiring Aviva, and why LuAnn is still her friend.

At this point, I am numb to the whole BookGate debate. I am not on anyone's side, I just hope that both books are bestsellers and that Carole and Aviva are making enough money to pay the bills with their books because BookGate has definitely taken an emotional toll on their friendship. I know that they were close and had great times together. In fact, Carole was once the godmother to Aviva's daughter. How can this come between them? Such contention over the accusations! I don't know why they let it get so heated. It's not worth it! I just hope that they can forgive each other at some point. As you get to know someone, you get to see their strengths and weaknesses -- and you have to accept those if you're going to be friends.

I was surprised when the girls laughed at me discussing my ability to forgive and voicing my Christianity. I think that it is one of the reasons that I can live my own life and not worry about everyone else's or the grass being greener. It's all relative. We are on Earth for such a short time. I am enjoying every day of my life. I am grateful for the family and friends that I have and my beautiful daughter.

I have so much more than many other people, and I remind myself of that every day with the charity work that I do. That's why I feel so much more comfortable working with artists, animals, the LGBT, and children. It's such a sensitive, caring, and loving place to be. I love my Sonja In The City event planning business because it lets me be me -- an artist and a promoter -- while helping others reach their highest capabilities. Plus I get to do all that while helping me get my daughter through school in a stable environment. It keeps me connected to the movers and shakers who help me manage my investments. I love to produce and to contribute. It makes me feel good.

I believe some of the women fail to take me seriously because I only show them my party side. There is a private side to me that most people don't see, because they only see me out at social events and while I'm entertaining. I throw a lot of events, so a lot of people only see that side, as it's my business and the way I broker some of my deals.

It is amazing how moms like Heather find strength to do dealing with their children's issues, like her son's health and hearing loss. It's what we do with loved ones. We do it with marriage partners too! I surprised myself when my ex had a terrible accident and I was called upon to deal with all of the doctors, therapists, and financial advisors.

I dont feel that Ramona called Aviva vile. She said that she had a vile side. That's different!

I'm not upset that Ramona spoke behind my back about my financial problems. She's human, and I spoke my feelings then and we worked through it the way that family does. We have too much water under the bridge to let opinions or men get in between us.

Heather questioning the legitimacy of my friendship with Ramona is just silly. She knows that we have been friends forever and whatever I have said about Ramona I have told her to her face. Heather knows this very well -- since I'm very upfront about my feelings with her.

The girls saying that Aviva's leg throw was staged is silly. I let Aviva know that everyone was saying she was fake. Even if she plans to throw it on the table to make a point, that doesn't make it staged. It just means she was pushed to a limit. I thought she was hilarious. After all, it was a private party in the back room. We weren't in the actual restaurant. Aviva doesn't go around throwing her leg around in normal restaurant situations. Maybe she and I should take her act on the road! A real dog and pony show! I always said I was a performer, a comedian, and a producer. At my Sonja In The City parties, now we can include Aviva as part of the show!

My overall thoughts of the season was that the reunion had more drama. I felt the season flip-flopped around quite a bit. Harry and I will always have a very strong relationship, just as Ramona and Aviva will always be in my life. Aviva's son Harrison is like my family.

Ramona was definitely going through something this season. I let her know I was upset, but I can't change her and she can't change me. We accept each other the way we are and we work our differences out.

I didn't know LuAnn was going through a breakup. She never shared that with me, and I was getting upset that she wasn't trusting my friendship and was blaming me for everything. I didn't give any credence to any of the rumors that were going around town through the salon that Satoko worked at. Kristen and I just asked the facialist to tell us for fun. I can't stop LuAnn from running out of parties with my guys -- just like I can't stop Harry from taking off and leaving me because he knows I want commitment and he wants to fool around. But that doesn't mean LuAnn's not my friend and that I can't speak my mind in front of her, and it doesn't mean that Harry isn't someone that I love as well.

I hope that you found the season entertaining. I hope that you don't take yourself too seriously! And when the naysayers back you into the corner, just say what Glinda the Good Witch said to the Wicked Witch of the West "Be off with you, your black magic doesn't work here!"

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