Cast Blog: #RHONY

It's Your America

Episode 9: Bravotv.com's Editor ponders a life with George Drescher and Carole's couch.

I hope that as you're reading this fine friends, that your face is contorted into some sort of magnificent exercise. In my dreams your brows are knitted into a face-saving furrow -- and not just because of something George said. Welcome back to Miami. Let's evaluate these sexual shenanigans shall we?

Brooklyn: Packs Hard
I really could pen this entire recap as an ode to Carole's couch. It comes with a lot of history (as those of you RHONY scholars that read What Remains will know). It just is the chicest, most comfortable, delightful looking piece of furniture in the greater metro area. I long to be on the couch with her, just gabbing about novel writing, sipping teas, casual packing for a jaunt to Florida. I plan on having my couch reupholstered as soon as I finish writing this recap.

Anyway, Carole's packing and gabbing with Aviva pre-Miami. Aviva is finding Ramona to be extremely energetic and perhaps a little much. my knee jerk response to this was -- are you surprised? Her "spring break" attitude from last week should have really been a big indicator of the trip's pace. But my second response was how will the rest of this play out? Will Aviva send Ramona and Mario packing to a motel (where there may or may not be family photos of the Dreschers). Is Aviva ready to handle this hurricane once Sonja joins in?

The Up-and-Coming Bronx
Once the ladies actually make it to Miami and get their "colors" on (Ramona's term), it's time to hit the pool at Rajana's. My home décor envy was also out of control at her abode. I mean sweet jeebus that chandie. I’d move to any "up and coming" neighborhood to have a chandelier like that. Speaking of, is it rude to tell someone the neighborhood they live in is kind of Stop A on the gentrification train? Ramona was trying to be positive, but maybe less of that talk of house flipping would have been a better idea. Never assume someone thinks their neighborhood isn't the best. . .

Thankfully the ladies quickly submerge themselves (even Aviva's non-swimming leg) and turn the topic to facial yoga. Of course, it's hard to not go to a less than adult place when you're suggestively puckering your lips for long periods.

But as soon as the gals faces return to normal, Ramona gets a bit huffed about Aviva's leg. It seems this isn't her swimming gam, and, despite Aviva swearing it's fine to submerge, Ramona wants her out of the pool, like yesterday. She gets a touch aggressive about the definition of wet -- did you know there's such a thing as "wet wet." This does not bode well for Aviva saying Ramona was already a lot to handle before she told her how to have an artificial limb.

Queens of Clean
Back at the abode, Ramona and Sonja are showering together and leaving Aviva out -- most likely because there simply is no more space in the shower for her. I'm not going to ask for the logistics of how the shower hardware was all lost to the cause, but it was so let's just move forward. All the gals primping and preparation (and need to sleep together) is in the anticipation of George. George’s arrival is imminent. Stress is building! Aviva is cursing!

Once the terror twins are finally ready to great the masses, George arrives. He's just as, if not twice as, charming as the last time we saw him. He's hip and dresses better than his son-in-law. He flirts without abandon. Ramona and him are a match made in friendship heaven. Watch out Mario!

Also watch out kitchen staff -- Ramona wants to eat on her schedule and not talk about Harry at the table. We're slowly watching Aviva wear down from the Ramona-coaster, so hopefully George can keep the conversation flowing on dinner topics that will keep the gang distracted. . .like squirting orgasms.

Never change George.

The next day at the pool George get even more amazing. He might have even exhausted the boundaries of our gal's sexually suggestive limits. Sonja blushed!

As long as we keep George out of the pool (lest he get erect) and don't let Aviva's leg languish in there for too long, it's a perfect afternoon. It's your America Mario! Don't you forget it.

Manhattan Major Moment
Really -- I've waited to long to address this. At a certain point in this episode George out Georged himself. He soared to new heights of lecherous man into a stratosphere with one quick graze of Sonja's backside.

It's not his fault! She's not wearing panties! Wood medicine can't just turn itself on and off. Pheromones are pumping. George is giving it his all.

Unfortunately, it seems the love affair is not meant to be. And perhaps neither is Aviva and Ramona's courtship. Aviva pulls Sonja aside to ask how to deal with the Ramonacoaster. The gals come up with a signal and hopefully that's enough to tame Ramona for the time being. We'll see how this all shakes out when the gang is back in NYC.Staten Island Loan Department
Meanwhile back in NYC, LuAnn and Carole go shopping. I have to address my favorite moment of this shipping trip first, which is when LuAnn was desperately trying to be a conscientious shopper and put her sunglasses up. Even she was not tall enough to do so, and she muttered to herself, "Hello that's not working out," which made me die. It was just so Countess-ish. "Hello, that's not working out." What a phrase for our generation. Next time you're trapped in a moment of frustration channel that phrase.

But the purpose of this trip was not just rearranging the C Wonder store. No, Carole wanted to lay down the close borrowing law to LuAnn. She's going to protect the Khans to the very end, and she doesn't want LuAnn taking advantage of their kindness. Hopefully that upfront attitude will put these two kids on the straight and narrow, but from the looks of the previews for next week, Carole has some issues with LuAnn's choice of Native American phrases.

Next time week, it's a toaster oven summit, some Native American talk of reservations, and Sonja has some reservations about Jacques' intentions. Until then, would you date George? Even if it meant a life of indulging in goat weed? My survey says yes, but leave your thoughts in the comments.

Read more about:

Dorinda: Let Ramona be Ramona

Dorinda opens up on her relationship with John and tells us what she thought of being in the middle of brunchgate. 

This episode was draining. So much happening, too, it’s exhausting.

I know everyone was thinking it was literally a battle of two brunches. Let me clear with this: It was a classic power struggle with two grown women with big personalities staking their territory. Listen, there was a bit of the tension before everyone met up at Luann’s, and it all came to a head. I personally had no skin in this game, but for some reason, I was clearly positioned as a talking point and negotiating tool. Whatever…it’s all good.

Brunch was awkward, to say the least. I was hoping all the girls would show up, so we would have a chance to really get to know one another before I left for the city, but the fact that they didn't neither ruined nor altered my plans. Thank you, Ramona, for a wonderful weekend, and thank you for the "lunch in my honor” (I think), but I had a life to get back to…

That said, the weekend was great. I got to meet all the girls, spend time with them, and I managed to leave without any battle wounds! Cheers to me! (Just give me some extra Worcestershire sauce right away…)

OK, OK, OK…hold the phone. Literally. My lunch with John at Gina’s is a moment that illustrates something I feel really passionate about. Was I angry? No. Annoyed? You can’t possibly imagine. I am quite relaxed about a lot of things but a total stickler about others. And bad manners is a real trigger.

I am always excited to take some time out and meet John up for a lunch or a drink, if our paths can cross between meetings and errands. It’s true, we don't live together, and we don’t see each other every day, but because of that, I want to make the most of our time together. I love him, and he makes me happy. Many factors in our lives—work, family, friends, friends, exhaustion and, in my case, Hannah—keep our lives pretty damn separate. I don't see him every day, so to steal away an hour or two on a weekday for lunch is both fun and kind of exciting.

Guys, when you’re out with a date, whether it’s a girlfriend of two years or a wife of 20 years, PLEASE be present! This means NO PHONE (I repeat: NOOOOO PHOOOOOOOONE), unless it is an emergency or your deal is going to collapse if you don’t take the bitch’s call, OK? Let’s face it, we aren't doctors working in an ER or in a maternity ward delivery babies. We deserve some quiet and some focused time together. Come on, guys. Be gentlemen. Leave the wheeling and dealing for the cab ride back to the office. If this isn't doable, then lunch isn’t doable. Quick little snippets of small talk between telephone distractions—calls or texts or otherwise—do NOT a happy lunch make. If that’s what’s going down during my lunch, then you’re going down, too. To be honest, I’d rather take an hour to browse Bergdorf’s and get a falafel on the way home. Thank you.

The food was great though (#shrimpsalad). You're welcome.

Bethenny invited me to see the new apartment on Twitter on Tuesday night, and I’m so excited. Looks like a really great pad. B knows what she wants, how she wants it, and when she wants it. I admire that tremendously. I need her to come up to the Berkshires with me and help me shake things up. I think her new SoHo apartment is even nicer than the TriBeCa apartment from the pictures I’ve seen. I’m can’t wait to go visit.

Oh, Ramona… Finding herself, distracting herself, dating to just have fun and get out there. I totally approve and think it’s great for her. She’s a gorgeous woman and needs to be seen and be told that. Often! People need to worry about what’s going on in their own backyard before snooping around Ramona’s front porch. Let Ramona be Ramona, and get on with it. This end-of-an-marriage thing is a process, and even though she has made the decision to move forward with the divorce, it can and may be a long process that will have its ups and downs. Hey, listen up: NYC lawyers are going to be involved, and there is no money in a quick divorce. Buckle your seatbelt, get a lot of rest, because this is just the beginning.

And now…the singles night at Beautique.

The Beautique restaurant is great for business dinners, first dates, and for a chic couple’s night out. It’s definitely a place to see and be seen. The back room, however, the Beautique Club, is a playground for singles and the glamorous singles. I knew John was going that night for a business dinner, but I have to admit, I had no idea he was going to slip through the dark kitchen corridor and down the rabbit hole to the back room club. As I watched, I was not happy about it, and I remembered how annoyed and surprised I felt when Ramona called me and told me. But, I trust John, and I believe it was innocent. After all, we’ve been together for two years, and I know John. John loves people and loves to be out and about. I get it. I just wish he would try to keep it try gender-neutral and not always have a female colleague that I don’t recognize with him. Too much to ask? I think not.

If it feels shady or wrong, and you might give people the opportunity to talk negatively about it, just don't do it. 

Dorinda Medley

My philosophy is simple: If it feels shady or wrong, and you might give people the opportunity to talk negatively about it, just don't do it. Fair, right? I wish he understood this better. In fact, I wish a lot of people understood this better. People love to talk and loooooooooooove to stir the pot. Why give them a pot to stir in the first place? Remember: If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. I know John is no duck, but not everyone else does.

I will say this, though: The girls came out in full force for me. Especially Lady Morgan. I really, really, REALLY appreciate that. Loyal girlfriends rock! I love my girls.

Anyway, I need a nap, because I’m already anxious about what’s coming up next week.

Have a great weekend! MUAH!

Read more about: