Cast Blog: #RHONY

It's Your America

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

It's Your America

Episode 9: Bravotv.com's Editor ponders a life with George Drescher and Carole's couch.

I hope that as you're reading this fine friends, that your face is contorted into some sort of magnificent exercise. In my dreams your brows are knitted into a face-saving furrow -- and not just because of something George said. Welcome back to Miami. Let's evaluate these sexual shenanigans shall we?

Brooklyn: Packs Hard
I really could pen this entire recap as an ode to Carole's couch. It comes with a lot of history (as those of you RHONY scholars that read What Remains will know). It just is the chicest, most comfortable, delightful looking piece of furniture in the greater metro area. I long to be on the couch with her, just gabbing about novel writing, sipping teas, casual packing for a jaunt to Florida. I plan on having my couch reupholstered as soon as I finish writing this recap.

Anyway, Carole's packing and gabbing with Aviva pre-Miami. Aviva is finding Ramona to be extremely energetic and perhaps a little much. my knee jerk response to this was -- are you surprised? Her "spring break" attitude from last week should have really been a big indicator of the trip's pace. But my second response was how will the rest of this play out? Will Aviva send Ramona and Mario packing to a motel (where there may or may not be family photos of the Dreschers). Is Aviva ready to handle this hurricane once Sonja joins in?

The Up-and-Coming Bronx
Once the ladies actually make it to Miami and get their "colors" on (Ramona's term), it's time to hit the pool at Rajana's. My home décor envy was also out of control at her abode. I mean sweet jeebus that chandie. I’d move to any "up and coming" neighborhood to have a chandelier like that. Speaking of, is it rude to tell someone the neighborhood they live in is kind of Stop A on the gentrification train? Ramona was trying to be positive, but maybe less of that talk of house flipping would have been a better idea. Never assume someone thinks their neighborhood isn't the best. . .

Thankfully the ladies quickly submerge themselves (even Aviva's non-swimming leg) and turn the topic to facial yoga. Of course, it's hard to not go to a less than adult place when you're suggestively puckering your lips for long periods.

But as soon as the gals faces return to normal, Ramona gets a bit huffed about Aviva's leg. It seems this isn't her swimming gam, and, despite Aviva swearing it's fine to submerge, Ramona wants her out of the pool, like yesterday. She gets a touch aggressive about the definition of wet -- did you know there's such a thing as "wet wet." This does not bode well for Aviva saying Ramona was already a lot to handle before she told her how to have an artificial limb.

Queens of Clean
Back at the abode, Ramona and Sonja are showering together and leaving Aviva out -- most likely because there simply is no more space in the shower for her. I'm not going to ask for the logistics of how the shower hardware was all lost to the cause, but it was so let's just move forward. All the gals primping and preparation (and need to sleep together) is in the anticipation of George. George’s arrival is imminent. Stress is building! Aviva is cursing!

Once the terror twins are finally ready to great the masses, George arrives. He's just as, if not twice as, charming as the last time we saw him. He's hip and dresses better than his son-in-law. He flirts without abandon. Ramona and him are a match made in friendship heaven. Watch out Mario!

Also watch out kitchen staff -- Ramona wants to eat on her schedule and not talk about Harry at the table. We're slowly watching Aviva wear down from the Ramona-coaster, so hopefully George can keep the conversation flowing on dinner topics that will keep the gang distracted. . .like squirting orgasms.

Never change George.

The next day at the pool George get even more amazing. He might have even exhausted the boundaries of our gal's sexually suggestive limits. Sonja blushed!

As long as we keep George out of the pool (lest he get erect) and don't let Aviva's leg languish in there for too long, it's a perfect afternoon. It's your America Mario! Don't you forget it.

Manhattan Major Moment
Really -- I've waited to long to address this. At a certain point in this episode George out Georged himself. He soared to new heights of lecherous man into a stratosphere with one quick graze of Sonja's backside.

It's not his fault! She's not wearing panties! Wood medicine can't just turn itself on and off. Pheromones are pumping. George is giving it his all.

Unfortunately, it seems the love affair is not meant to be. And perhaps neither is Aviva and Ramona's courtship. Aviva pulls Sonja aside to ask how to deal with the Ramonacoaster. The gals come up with a signal and hopefully that's enough to tame Ramona for the time being. We'll see how this all shakes out when the gang is back in NYC.Staten Island Loan Department
Meanwhile back in NYC, LuAnn and Carole go shopping. I have to address my favorite moment of this shipping trip first, which is when LuAnn was desperately trying to be a conscientious shopper and put her sunglasses up. Even she was not tall enough to do so, and she muttered to herself, "Hello that's not working out," which made me die. It was just so Countess-ish. "Hello, that's not working out." What a phrase for our generation. Next time you're trapped in a moment of frustration channel that phrase.

But the purpose of this trip was not just rearranging the C Wonder store. No, Carole wanted to lay down the close borrowing law to LuAnn. She's going to protect the Khans to the very end, and she doesn't want LuAnn taking advantage of their kindness. Hopefully that upfront attitude will put these two kids on the straight and narrow, but from the looks of the previews for next week, Carole has some issues with LuAnn's choice of Native American phrases.

Next time week, it's a toaster oven summit, some Native American talk of reservations, and Sonja has some reservations about Jacques' intentions. Until then, would you date George? Even if it meant a life of indulging in goat weed? My survey says yes, but leave your thoughts in the comments.

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Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Carole says what she really thinks of Aviva and all of her talk about her book and things being "ghetto."

Dear Fans,

Let me start with something I stole it from Twitter this week. "The most dangerous liars are those who think they are telling the truth."

I'll say it again. The blonde at the end of the right couch, the one who's prone to lobbing limbs and insults, is an Insulting. Bitch. Some of you didn't believe me. Maybe some of you still don't. But after watching the reunion shows I imagine it's harder and harder to cheer for the anti-hero. Just when you think she can't get any faker she does.

The story according to Aviva makes me laugh: We were arguing, she insulted me, I called her a psychopath and that prompted her to affectionately compliment me on my age. Sure. Her disdain for the intelligence of the audience is palpable. It was too stupid for me to even reply. But as I was watching the reunion, and particularly Aviva and the way she treats people, I was reminded of something my Grandma Millie used to say. (I love everything Grandma Millie used to say.) "At 25, you have the face you're born with. At 45 you have the face you deserve."

I'd rather be 50 and me than be 45 and Aviva, any day of the week. She aged worse this season than a president in his first term. Holy short dress, I don't mind at all how I look. Overbite and all. I'll take it.

When I first met Aviva she was lovely. Really lovely. I meant what I said on the couch, I wish we had seen more of that. Her easy laugh and funny neurotic ways. Instead all we saw was a mean and angry woman. All because I asked her if she hired a writer -- a writer she did hire. It makes no sense. Three years ago she told me she'd read my memoir, What Remains. This was a book published in 2006 about my childhood, my family, my career and marriage, and then the death of my husband, Anthony Radziwill. A man I loved more than anyone I had loved before or have loved since. She gushed over my book. She quoted from it. We hugged. She seemed so sincere. Flash forward and she now believes it was written by a ghostwriter. She even knew his name, and it wasn't Truman Capote. It was Bill Whitworth, she told me. She repeated this over and over to anyone who would listen. And it doesn't matter how many times she repeats it -- it will never make it true.

When they stopped listening she started saying in the press and on social media that not only was my book written by someone else but that it was not my place to have written a book about my life, and my marriage. And, as if I didn't remember, she reminded me that I'd written about people who had died. Um, yeah. I know. It was my husband and my family and my closest friend who died. Just. . .wow. But I wasn't important enough to tell my story because my husband's family was famous, or historic or whatever she said. Because they had money and privilege and yachts. Really. Who do I think I am?

I’ll tell you. I’m a girl from upstate New York who grew up in a loving, if sometimes kooky, Italian working class family. I worked for everything I earned, just like my parents did and their parents before them. I have a proud family history of hard work and small but precious rewards that followed. My family won't be in any history books. I didn't grow up privileged. We didn't spend summers in Europe or Christmas in Palm Beach. A day spent at the town pool or playing in the woods behind our house was great. Much like Heather, I was taught strong values and decent manners. I learned to live with integrity and honesty. I'm proud of my upbringing and the woman I became, as was my husband. As is his family to this very day. I've known people who lived in what Aviva would consider the "ghetto" who have more class and decency than she shows.

All this talk about class and ghetto -- you'd think we were living in communist Russia. Here is the thing. This is America. In our country it doesn't matter a lick where you are from, it only matters where you're going. So don’t let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough because you didn’t grow up on Park Avenue or in a family that had some history, or because you enjoy saying mother-f---er now and then. I’ve met people from all walks of life. I spent time in refugee camps in Southeast Asia, and in the projects of Chicago. I've been to State dinners with Presidents. I met the Queen of England on a beach in Anguilla. No one is any more valuable or important than you are. No one is more important than your family and your friends.

Let the elitists go slow into the night.

In spite of the BookGate dust up I had a great time this season. I made wonderful new friends in LuAnn and Kristen and my friendship with Heather is more special and important to me than I could have ever imagined just three years ago. Friends have each other's backs. I love her, madly. And while we didn't always act appropriately, we had a lot of laughs. I hope you did too.

Thank you all for your supportive and funny and brilliant tweets. And while we didn't all agree on everything all of the time I enjoyed your participation in the show. Even the mean tweets about my skinny neck and my overbite were amusing. Like I said, I've stolen some tweets already. You may see others as dialogue in my next book, and yes, you can all say you were my ghostwriters.

As always,

With love, Writer Girl xoxo

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