Cast Blog: #RHONY

It's Your America

Episode 9: Bravotv.com's Editor ponders a life with George Drescher and Carole's couch.

I hope that as you're reading this fine friends, that your face is contorted into some sort of magnificent exercise. In my dreams your brows are knitted into a face-saving furrow -- and not just because of something George said. Welcome back to Miami. Let's evaluate these sexual shenanigans shall we?

Brooklyn: Packs Hard
I really could pen this entire recap as an ode to Carole's couch. It comes with a lot of history (as those of you RHONY scholars that read What Remains will know). It just is the chicest, most comfortable, delightful looking piece of furniture in the greater metro area. I long to be on the couch with her, just gabbing about novel writing, sipping teas, casual packing for a jaunt to Florida. I plan on having my couch reupholstered as soon as I finish writing this recap.

Anyway, Carole's packing and gabbing with Aviva pre-Miami. Aviva is finding Ramona to be extremely energetic and perhaps a little much. my knee jerk response to this was -- are you surprised? Her "spring break" attitude from last week should have really been a big indicator of the trip's pace. But my second response was how will the rest of this play out? Will Aviva send Ramona and Mario packing to a motel (where there may or may not be family photos of the Dreschers). Is Aviva ready to handle this hurricane once Sonja joins in?

The Up-and-Coming Bronx
Once the ladies actually make it to Miami and get their "colors" on (Ramona's term), it's time to hit the pool at Rajana's. My home décor envy was also out of control at her abode. I mean sweet jeebus that chandie. I’d move to any "up and coming" neighborhood to have a chandelier like that. Speaking of, is it rude to tell someone the neighborhood they live in is kind of Stop A on the gentrification train? Ramona was trying to be positive, but maybe less of that talk of house flipping would have been a better idea. Never assume someone thinks their neighborhood isn't the best. . .

Thankfully the ladies quickly submerge themselves (even Aviva's non-swimming leg) and turn the topic to facial yoga. Of course, it's hard to not go to a less than adult place when you're suggestively puckering your lips for long periods.

But as soon as the gals faces return to normal, Ramona gets a bit huffed about Aviva's leg. It seems this isn't her swimming gam, and, despite Aviva swearing it's fine to submerge, Ramona wants her out of the pool, like yesterday. She gets a touch aggressive about the definition of wet -- did you know there's such a thing as "wet wet." This does not bode well for Aviva saying Ramona was already a lot to handle before she told her how to have an artificial limb.

Queens of Clean
Back at the abode, Ramona and Sonja are showering together and leaving Aviva out -- most likely because there simply is no more space in the shower for her. I'm not going to ask for the logistics of how the shower hardware was all lost to the cause, but it was so let's just move forward. All the gals primping and preparation (and need to sleep together) is in the anticipation of George. George’s arrival is imminent. Stress is building! Aviva is cursing!

Once the terror twins are finally ready to great the masses, George arrives. He's just as, if not twice as, charming as the last time we saw him. He's hip and dresses better than his son-in-law. He flirts without abandon. Ramona and him are a match made in friendship heaven. Watch out Mario!

Also watch out kitchen staff -- Ramona wants to eat on her schedule and not talk about Harry at the table. We're slowly watching Aviva wear down from the Ramona-coaster, so hopefully George can keep the conversation flowing on dinner topics that will keep the gang distracted. . .like squirting orgasms.

Never change George.

The next day at the pool George get even more amazing. He might have even exhausted the boundaries of our gal's sexually suggestive limits. Sonja blushed!

As long as we keep George out of the pool (lest he get erect) and don't let Aviva's leg languish in there for too long, it's a perfect afternoon. It's your America Mario! Don't you forget it.

Manhattan Major Moment
Really -- I've waited to long to address this. At a certain point in this episode George out Georged himself. He soared to new heights of lecherous man into a stratosphere with one quick graze of Sonja's backside.

It's not his fault! She's not wearing panties! Wood medicine can't just turn itself on and off. Pheromones are pumping. George is giving it his all.

Unfortunately, it seems the love affair is not meant to be. And perhaps neither is Aviva and Ramona's courtship. Aviva pulls Sonja aside to ask how to deal with the Ramonacoaster. The gals come up with a signal and hopefully that's enough to tame Ramona for the time being. We'll see how this all shakes out when the gang is back in NYC.Staten Island Loan Department
Meanwhile back in NYC, LuAnn and Carole go shopping. I have to address my favorite moment of this shipping trip first, which is when LuAnn was desperately trying to be a conscientious shopper and put her sunglasses up. Even she was not tall enough to do so, and she muttered to herself, "Hello that's not working out," which made me die. It was just so Countess-ish. "Hello, that's not working out." What a phrase for our generation. Next time you're trapped in a moment of frustration channel that phrase.

But the purpose of this trip was not just rearranging the C Wonder store. No, Carole wanted to lay down the close borrowing law to LuAnn. She's going to protect the Khans to the very end, and she doesn't want LuAnn taking advantage of their kindness. Hopefully that upfront attitude will put these two kids on the straight and narrow, but from the looks of the previews for next week, Carole has some issues with LuAnn's choice of Native American phrases.

Next time week, it's a toaster oven summit, some Native American talk of reservations, and Sonja has some reservations about Jacques' intentions. Until then, would you date George? Even if it meant a life of indulging in goat weed? My survey says yes, but leave your thoughts in the comments.

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Dorinda: I Was Surprised to See How Open Bethenny Was

Dorinda weighs in on the Luann/Carole drama and discusses Bethenny's willingness to open up about her past.

So we’re back from Atlantic Titty, as I like to call it. Strangely, that trip left me feeling more connected with the women. It’s not easy making friends—especially at my age and after the life I’ve lived—but I’m starting to feel “familiar” around them, if that makes any sense. The sheen of being a “NY Housewife” isn’t entirely there anymore, because I’m one of them, you know? During and after the Atlantic City trip, I started to feel more comfortable, more at ease, and more like “one of the girls.” Considering how they carry on sometimes, I’m not quite sure if that is a positive or a negative just yet. Maybe a little of both? I don’t know…It’s always interesting to put eight women together for a few days, that’s for sure. You see the politeness slip a bit, the “veneer” get a little cloudy, and you really see them in all their glory—and in all their realness. All and all, it was a fun trip…and a bit of a learning experience.
The good news is this: Never a dull moment! For example, Ramona is great about having the never-ending birthday that never ends (redundancy intended). In reality, her birthday is November 18, but the celebrations start shortly after Halloween and continue throughout the month of November, Thanksgiving be damned. It’s like Ramona Heritage Month. Our next stop on the birthday train was at Fishtail with ALL of her friends. And I mean ALL of them. These girls run the Upper East Side with an iron fist. They basically buy out every season at Bergdorf’s before it makes it to the floor. They’re a fun crowd—colorful characters—and Bethenny was right: It’s like the Cantina’s greatest hits from Star Wars. Of course, they’re all jockeying to be Princess Leia, though c’mon, Ramona’s the birthday girl. We know she’s the princess in our midst. After all, it is November…
I don’t typically run with these girls, but over the years of living in this ‘hood and being one of those “ladies who lunch,” I guess I can comfortably say I’ve claimed my seat at the table, so to speak. Seeing Heather, Carole, and Bethenny there was like spotting animals that wandered into the wrong habitat. Not really their “downtown diva” scene, but the effort is all that matters. Carole, babe, I know you're coming back up “here,” but I think that hat needs to stay downtown. “Hobo chic” doesn't really play well north of 57th Street. I do like how Heather is versatile and adapts to any and all situations and just knows how to turn it on (though “mama” and “holla” are as out of place as Carole’s beanie, in all honesty). Watching Bethenny was the most entertaining for me: She just wants nods and smiles and gets out as fast as possible. Kinda wish she would’ve taken me with her…there’s only so much chat about personal shoppers, the traffic on Fifth Ave., and what a disaster DiBlasio is that one can take before they start obsessing over fine lines and poodles.
By the way, I wish I had been invited to the boxing match! I love boxing! It’s such a rush and makes you feel alive. You saw that first-hand. Boxing takes the meekest of beings and makes them want to see blood (ahem…Kristen). Wow, girl, you got into it! Don’t let that “pretty” thing fool you; she was ready to jump in and knock some teeth out. I was very impressed. Last time I saw her this excited, it was when another box of Manolos just popped up out of nowhere. I like this side of you, KT. It shows what I’ve seen in you all along: real passion is your super power.

Oh…and then there’s the Carole/Luann situation getting some more meat on its bones. This one is a hard one, because I get the way Luann feels: She’s a mom, and it’s her niece at the center of this issue. At the same time, I also get Carole’s perspective. She's never been a mom, of course, but she lives a very youthful life, downtown, surrounded with young people. I believe her and Adam really do have some sort of connection—no doubt about that. Is it love? I don’t know, but obviously it is something. I hate to get involved with people’s private lives—it is so personal and really private. At least to me. I draw the line at critiquing one’s decisions. As long as they’re happy and the person they’re with is happy and they’re not hurting anyone by being together, then I’m fine with it. The details of the Carole/Adam tryst and the family connection to Luann is still a bit cloudy to me, so I don’t know. I just hope they work it out, because it’s gotten pretty heated and tense. Let’s face it, they were great friends, and I hope they find a way to rekindle that friendship. Listen, I’m just trying to figure out my life and my relationships again, and I’m trying to keep it simple. Naturally, that means keeping other people out of it. Am I right? You're welcome.
Speaking of private lives…I was so surprised to see how open Bethenny was about her past and her family. In may ways, she and I grew up around the same people. My grandfather loved race horses, being around the track and all those characters—some of which were colorful, to say the least. Evel Knievel was one of them, so that might give you a sense…
But despite how I could relate to some aspects of her childhood, it was a tough scene to watch at the end of this episode. Listen, we’re all looking for love. Some of us are looking for a love we once knew, others for a love we see others enjoy, and some are just trying to find what love means to them. In the end, we all want to be needed, wanted, and desired. But there’s nothing that completes that quest quite like a mother’s love. One can “suck at relationships” till they’re blue in the face, but not finding love or a mate to love you or make you feel loved is, at its core, entirely conditional. It truly depends on the who, what, when, where, and why…and all of those rely on you. They are yours to determine. A mother’s love, however, is unconditional. It’s a given. It’s something that gives those of us blessed to have it, an accelerator, a momentum in life. Knowing you have a “home” in someone’s heart because they are part of you and you are part of them is sometimes all you need to go take on the world. Without that mother’s love and affection, it’s got to be difficult to not feel lost. That said, not having that in your life really makes you appreciate it so much more, right? You come to value how priceless and profound an unconditional, immovable love can be. This is why Bethenny is such an amazing mother. So devoted, so compassionate, so unconditionally in love with her daughter…it’s inspiring to see and moving to a fellow mom. As you’ve come to see, Bethenny’s a titan through and through. She found it in herself to foster that momentum and catapult herself into the big leagues. Would she have had the same drive and determination had she not experienced that kind of pain? Is that where she gets that hardcore, no-nonsense attitude to petty crap? Is that why a clash with Bethenny is like clashing with no other titan?
It’s all fascinating to me. And now that I finally feel like “one of the girls,” it’s some of the best popcorn drama I’ve ever seen. I almost can’t wait to watch what happens next. It’s all so…yummie.

Till next week, xx!

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