Cast Blog: #RHONY

Mrs. Potato Head

Episode 6:'s Editor ponders the gourds and tubes the 'Wives resemble and the rest of their trip to London.

Cheerio London lovers and Housewives fans. The ladies have finally made their way across the pond. How will the trip be sans Ramona? Will she and Aviva receive postcards from the edge from Carole, who has been driven witless by LuAnn? Will we ever find out why everyone loves yummy? Who is this Queen we met at dinner? Let's recap shall we?

A Head the Size of Staten Island
We open this episode by finding that Carole has another nickname for LuAnn. Most people call her the Countess, Sonja calls her Lu, and Carole. . .well Carole calls her Pumpkin Head. But she means it in the most endearing way! Like how pumpkins photograph so resplendently. When you think about it like that, who wouldn't want their melon compared to a very photogenic gourd? I find my head to be a bit like a butternut squash, particularly if I'm retaining fluid. Sadly that gourd head resigns Lu to a life of hat problems, but what can you do? You live a life where you look great in pictures, but not in pictures where are wearing hats. You take the good with the bad, I suppose.

The hat problems continue as Carole can't quite wrap her mind around the word "fascinator." Sonja thinks the trouble comes in that she doesn't wear a bra, but I think she might have stopped listening to the explanations because of LuAnn's faux British accent. Yikes, is it jet lag, or is Carole getting a little sick of the Countess?

On the other side of the pond, Ramona goes on another shopping trip, this time just with Aviva and with no threat of a "downtown makeover." Ramona, ever the curious sort, has a lot of questions about what sort of shoes Aviva can navigate and what her knee actually looks like. I love Ramona's decision to role-play with the leg. "Let me pretend I'm a stranger." The commitment to understanding how the leg worked was really paramount. Way to get method Ramona! As always your commitment makes you the Christian Bale of RHONY.

Back to London, the ladies are shopping as well. Once the Countess clears up the exchange rate, Sonja goes diving for shoes with multiple stickers on them or PETA-approved feathers. Carole shares how her memories of living in London and her early days as a widow. LuAnn apparently was nearly crossing Carole on the street, as she also pondered living in London then. Carole feels a little one-upped by the conversation and their English-style standoffish continues.

The Princess vs the Queens
After all the shopping the ladies finally arrive at Heather's company dinner. The venue is the former House of Dior, so of course within minutes of the ladies arriving the topic of poop comes up (obviously). Yes, Heather continues to show her "gangsta" side, by making an "egg drop" poop joke in front of the Countess! Sadly she doesn't get it, leading to a very awkward further explanation of the joke. Doesn't that always take the air out of a good defecation gag?

Here's something else the ladies don't get right away -- dinner. Recalling to mind an RHOC incident, the ladies blood sugars were running dangerously low. With no cakes to nibble on, they had to muster their starving selves to share why they loved Yummie Tummie.

Carole manages to get called out, not once, but twice during this debacle. Once by a young gent who does not want her sleeping on her royalty title (he's the Queen, OK, so lay off lady). Secondly it was LuAnn who didn't let her little lack of standing upright go unnoticed. Yipes.

The Bronx is Starving
As great as the ice breakers were, ice does not fill hungry bellies (even if it's broken). And the ladies were starving. I seriously thought Sonja was going to eat that rose while she waited for the eats. Also, who was that man that kept sniffing it so seductively? Was he trying to send her a message? It was all very 9 1/2 Weeks. As the food continued to not reveal itself, the ladies were forced to the loo, which is even more European than you can imagine.

Yes, apparently the Brits have now decided the ideal bathroom scenario is an "Orgasmatron." The toilet itself is just average, however, which Sonja so quickly remarked on. But the pod still provided Sonja and Carole with endless entertainment -– the music was playing, the pod was reminding them of ovaries, etc., hence LuAnn was left watching her salad wilt waiting for the other ladies. Poor hungry Countess! We've tested her commitment to class, and once again it stands like iron. The woman would rather starve to death than loose her scruples.

Brooklyn Learns Hard
After the ladies have eaten and drank (surely into the eve), it's up early for Heather and Carole. Heather is appearing on British television to promote the brand, while Carole is providing moral support. Carole's main task: ensuring that Heather only says Yummie Tummie once. There's no clear indicator if she's allowed to say yummie and tummie separately, nor am I sure exactly what would happen if she goes over her allotment. Will she be banned from the UK indefinitely? Forced to ride a double decker bus of shame in punishment? Made to pay an exorbitant fee in only crumpets? Thankfully we never have to learn, because she does fantastic.

Meanwhile, in another media savvy moment, Ramona is having her big speech at the Learning Annex. Sadly, she fears no one knows it because there are no photos (nor are their high enough tables). Ramona didn't get to wear she is today be letting an overly short table stand in her way. No m'am. She finds the appropriate-level surface and knocks her speech right out of the park (right after she finds the bathroom.

Manhattan Love Story
For me though, the crux of this episode is new friendship. The ladies really just started loving on each other. Perhaps it was Carole seductively petting Sonja Morgan's face through her nose-speared fascinator netting that really exemplified how the new and the returning ladies have become one. Or perhaps it was their impromptu photo shoot and Truth or Dare session. Maybe it was them jovially discussing Heather's glasses (I liked her Potato Head glasses!) and calling each other food-based names. It seems like the gals are really gelling together. Just sitting around eating curry talking about sex on ping pong tables -- just like young girls are want to do. Plus have you noticed the precious friendship budding between LuAnn and Heather?!? She wants to write odes to her Gangsta Chic-ness. That's two steps above friendship bracelets.

Of course, on the other side of the pond is another pair of friend-os. Ramona and Aviva went out for a double date with their respective man folks, and undoubtedly the topic of Heather comes up (after Ramona manages to not choke to death, thankfully. Should we be worried about how dry her throat is?). Ramona's thinks Heather might be a touch insecure (Reid, Aviva’s husband, points to jealousy). So while there’s no progress there, Aviva does label herself as "Ramona 2.0," so those two have each other. And what do we have? We have Ramona's incredible impression of Heather? Again, commitment to the craft!

Now that the lines are drawn, we’ll see what happens next week when Carole tries to beat the Countess at her own game -- and when Ramona and Heather get into one of the more mobile tiffs in Housewives history. Until then, what shape do you think each Housewife's head is? Do you, like Carole, think LuAnn's noggin is pumpkin-like? Leave your comparisons: animal, vegetable, or mineral in the comment.

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Luann: Carole Should Stick to Tinder

Luann calls out some of the Housewives on their uncool behavior. 

Episode 4 always seems to be where the sagas really begin, and last night had me fairly fired up, if you hadn’t noticed. Carole and I were such great friends before, and I’ve been very disappointed by her this season. I slowly came to realize that when it comes to Carole, not everything is what it seems. There’s an element of “fake” in it, and you don’t really see it until it’s directed at you. You’ll see what I mean.

 I had no idea I’d have to keep an eye on a close friend, whom I would assume would know better than to pick up my staff. 

Luann de Lesseps

I had friends over for a nice dinner to celebrate my new house. (Yes, that morphed into Brunchgate, but the intention was pure and all in hopes of having a good time with the girls.) I had no idea that Carole, ever-so-single and ready to mingle, would start mingling with my chef, who happens to be my niece’s recent ex-boyfriend and my son’s friend. I had no idea I’d have to keep an eye on a close friend, whom I would assume would know better than to pick up my staff. It was too soon and a little too close to my family. I understand someone can be attractive and someone can be looking for love, but there’s a certain level of discretion and respect that we women should maintain for our inner circles, especially when there’s close family involved. Carole was highly aware of that! Obviously, she knew she was in the wrong; this is why she struggled for so long on how to tell me. It seems everyone else, including Heather, knew about it. (And Heather even knows my niece, which was just a tad more insulting than I expected from her, too.) Ultimately, it was sneaky, disrespectful, and uncool.

So let’s review: barfing in pedicabs, looking for men in your girlfriends’ kitchens and thinking it’s cute, hiding inappropriate flings from those friends and wanting to announce your fling via a “screwing emoji” on a text…tacky. WHAT she did and HOW she did it is the problem. I’m fiercely loyal to my friends and devoted to my family, and when anyone crosses that line, I defend it to the fullest. Carole should stick to good ol’ fashioned Tinder and not scavenge for dates in my kitchen. Cool? OK, moving on.

Now, I’ll admit: This episode was the Carnival of Cougars #GodSaveTheCougars! The boys, of course, had no clue what a “Jordache jean” is…nor should they. But good ol’ fashioned story time with Carole and the children was hysterical. LOL!  At least the boys left having learned something new from a bygone era. Either way, I’m happy to have been there and celebrated Bethenny’s birthday with her. Awkward table dance and all. (By the way, Sonja’s never looked better, and Ramona’s got some moves, right? No wonder Peter wants to talk business with Ramona--so he can get down to business with Ramona!)

I adore Dorinda's daughter Hannah. She’s got a great sense of humor, is incredibly smart and really knows how to work a room. When it comes to John, it’s hard to disagree with her. I feel bad for Dorinda, of course, and how she can’t seem to bridge both sides of her life, but I empathize with Hannah on this one. The Dorinda and John dynamic is a very strange one. It makes me very uncomfortable, to be honest. I think it even makes Dorinda uncomfortable, too.

Guys, let a lady order what she wants, OK? If you want to eat more, go home and get on Seamless. And if your date doesn’t have an appetite, I assure you she’d rather watch Curtis Stone and Bobby Flay have a throwdown than watch you throw it back while she sips on a martini. Then John really drove it home, overstepping boundaries that are not his to even come near. Of course, kids don't dictate a mother’s life, but every mother takes their child’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. If your kids don’t like your boyfriend, that’s almost worse than when your parents don’t like your boyfriend. Bethenny was right when she said having that “double life” is weird. If Dorinda was truly in a place where she wanted to be with this guy, she’d lay down the law with her daughter. Your kids ultimately go along with what makes you happy, even if they have to make a concession or two. This restaurant scene was enough to make anyone want to run onto a pedicab and puke all the way home.

Things are looking up, though. At least Bethenny and Dorinda bonded over a sample sale, and that’s the first stop on the road to recovery. I hadn’t seen Bethenny that excited in a long time. When the two diamond-crusted ladies in black arrived, the tone unfortunately changed and pots started to stir. I thought Heather went beyond the call of duty, as she tends to—with “Beth”—regarding Kristen’s non-invite to her birthday dinner. Kristen and Bethenny barely know each other! Of course, Bethenny is direct, and she can be aggressive. I think it’s now clear that once Bethenny gets to know someone, she’s all-in, and she’s a fun friend to have. But for me, once when they started to rebrand “widowry,” the party was over.

But in the grand scheme of things, I hope you see the party’s really just getting started.

Be cool.

Keep in touch with your favorite countess on Facebook at and on Twitter and Instagram at @CountessLuann.

Be cool.

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