Oh hello sweet RHONY fans. Eighteen episodes later, we’ve seen so much -- faces in bidets, toaster oven fights, massive debauchery in St. Barths, Google searches, and beachside meltdowns. But how does it all end? How do we close the books on Season 5? With more fighting than you could imagine as it turns out. Let’s try to make sense of it all shall we.
The Queens of the Court
We open, of course, with a ping pong tournament. Because why wouldn’t we? This season has provided so many delightfully bizarre moments that I find it completely non-shocking that we have a table tennis tournament. Frankly, with the outlandish events of this season if Chairman Mao had appeared to play the tournament for all of Forrest Gump's Dr. Peppers, I wouldn’t have been surprised.
We all knew that this would be the first time Aviva and Ramona would see each other post-George bust-up, but I was far more concerned about the ladies’ ping pong prowress. Let’s be honest -- everyone thought LuAnn had this in the bag right? She just seemed like the clear favorite based on demeanor -- and prior experience with ping pong tables -- alone. Of course I should not be surprised that the Singer family tennis dynasty was one to mess with. We’ve seen them destroy enough ‘Wives in the Hamptons (on the court silly) to know this was their camp-style sport to lose. But then the dark horse, Heather “Holla” Thomson rose to the occasion. I hope the trophy was just engraved with the words “holla.”
Of course it wasn’t all tiny shorts and odd mustached men. When Aviva got a chance to bend Heather’s husband’s ear she of course brought up the Ramona situation. Heather is less than pleased with this talking point. Let it go!
Can't everyone just get along for the sake of the pong gods!The Bronx is Toast
Finally the moment we’ve waited for arrives -- Sonja’s toaster oven box is unveiled (sadly nothing is inside of it, toaster oven still TBD). But we get a chance to see Sonja in the contested poses. Is she better alone or with men?
With men of course! And everyone does a dance! Heather was correct. James was correct! Sonja is better with her legion of men. Speaking of why did she miss the casting of said men? How can anyone make a male based decision sans Sonja. I barely do.
Brooklyn Has a Leg Up
Meanwhile, it’s time to get Aviva to suit up for her big runway debut. As it turns out the clothing is very, well, leg-centric. Aviva is in the honor position wearing some great Beyonce-style briefs, which has her begging Heather for some tights. Looking at Aviva’s body, I would pretty much never wear tights. If I looked that good I would constantly be in Beyonce briefs. I’d be writing this blog wearing nothing but Beyonce briefs and holding my sex kitten whip. I’d be doing the Heather feel it head bob constantly. I’d probably stop writing and just walk constantly, channeling the black woman inside my body and hoping my fortune would just befall me.
However, Aviva really wants to wear a jacket -- or not wear a jacket -- or put her hair down. She’s not exactly the most obedient model. And so she pulls a twist, as the violin plays she sheds the jacket. DRAMA!
Speaking of not being obedient, Sonja and Ramona do a lot of chattering re: toaster ovens mid-fashion show. As they ponder just how filthy Ramona’s wine glass is, they also give the photographer the Spanish Inquisition about photos. Why aren’t there more of them? And so when Heather finds Ramonja some sort of side hallway chattering about it, things erupt rather quickly. Heather is not having it. She is deep in feel it mode. . .so she wants Sonja to take her headband out of there immediately.
Staten Island Women’s Hospital
In other finally finished news, Carole has wrapped up her manuscript. The baby has been delivered so why not give Carole a stroller, er we mean a party.
So a chic event is in order, of course everyone is a bit fractured, with Ramona and Heather having serious tension amongst the fancy wallpaper (was it just me or was that wallpaper to die? Also the modern artwork behind Carole’s head during the speech is all I’ve thought about for days. For days!). Heather decides to clear the air by point blank asking Ramona if she cares about people. . .that’s a good start.
Of course, once Ramona slightly diffuses that situation another one quickly arises this time with her trusty foe Aviva.
Manhattan Major Moment
So here’s the question -- if you show up somewhere with a check are you suddenly invited? That seems to be Aviva’s initial defense for her dad’s arrival. If that’s the case I’m going to bring checks and show up at all sorts of events.
Meanwhile, as that fight plays out Sonja and Heather continue to hash out their troubles. Fights were everywhere. This was the angstiest book party since the one from Bridget Jones Diary. People were yelling about entitlement, physical abuse, etc. Poor Carole just wanted this to be a baby shower. I guess without real baby shower games, there is no way to keep people distracted. Quick someone produce a jar of M&Ms that we need to decipher the number of or a mysterious baby photo that the 'Wives must identify.
And so the season ends with a bang with contention and enough tension for tons of knives to hack away at. We'll have to see if the reunion provides any solace for our 'Wives. Hopefully Andy can gift each gal a toaster oven and settle this whole mess civily.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting this season. I'm sue all see you in the comments of one of our other fine shows. . .or at the very least when our dear Manhattanites return to us next.