Before I even begin to recap this episode, I have to just address the general absurdity of this episode. I mean, the fine women of New York have really topped themselves. Has an episode every started as blissfully and strangely as hence, where are opening line is: “I’m going to ice my face, I gotta do this in the bidet” (and the way Sonja says “bidet” is incredible).
From there we learn an important lesson: there are three purposes for a bidet -- lingerie washing, face icing, and of course it’s explicit purpose.
I am just going to go on record now and say if there is any one in the world that does not love Sonja Morgan now, they have no soul at all. She is a divine creature sent from the cosmos to entertain us.
OK, back to your regularly scheduled recap. . .
No Woman is a Staten Island. . . Unless She Has a Vibrator
As I said we’re running at Ridiculous Level Orange, so it’s only fitting that Carole attempts to gently chide LuAnn for waking her up so early by threatening that she could have seen her pleasuring herself if she had arrived a little earlier. Yes. I believe that’s why wake up calls have become the more traditional way to wake people up. Surprisingly that bit of overshare doesn’t silence Lu. Nope it starts an episode long contest between Carole and LuAnn to see who could get that final word in. The Royal War ranged over a breadth of topics -- childbirth, competition, Valium -- and throughout a rousing Heathers-like game of croquet and to dinner. But speaking of croquet . . .
Brooklyn Nets Croquets
Ah croakie. What a sport right? It’s one of the few athletic events that allows you to wear full length gowns and sip champagne without impeding your ability to play in the slightest. Hence why lovely, jovial old-men in green pinstripe suits are perfect shamans of the sport -- this sport doesn’t favor the young.
Of course, this little game turned into a face-off between Lu and Carole, with Carole reigning triumphant in her fur shrug. I was just waiting to see LuAnn’s head in the grass Winona Ryder-style. It was seriously a little tense.
Brief pause: Sonja Morgan wants to tell you how to remove a glove sensually. . . Typical stuff around here.
And back, sports were also the topic at dinner, with Carole casually mentioning that she was also the star running back of her high school (to top LuAnn’s softball boasts). But it was when the topic of childbirth and writing comes up. LuAnn doesn’t care what Carole thinks about ugly babies, she believes childbirth is more difficult. And that’s the straw, when The Countess gets up for the bathroom the floodgates are opened. The women unload their thoughts and feelings on her attitude -- including a surprising grievance about her tall girl nature. Apparently she’s always rushing into rooms when it’s not her turn. I’d love to go to the video tape on this. I have not noticed her charging ahead as a tall person, but as a vertically challenged person I’m offended. We are literally always getting the short end of the stick so if the Countess isn’t respecting our stature, we need to talk.
When she returns Carole tries to cat her into confrontation. When that doesn’t work Heather just tells LuAnn point blank (when Carole and Sonja run to the loo). Instead that turns into a weird conversation about Ramona and cutting people out of her life. Oh well. . .
Queen of Pop Performance
Back in the States, it’s time for Aviva’s big anniversary get together. After calling in Ramona from the reserves to help plan a touch, and Sonja ensuring that the menu was perfect and the chairs were arranged in an appropriate non-committal fashion, all was right.
Err sort of. The women seemed to have a hard time finding food, but other then that the party seemed to be going swimmingly. Here Aviva and Reid are taking the stage while Sonja presents the musical guest. Oops, slight fumble on the stairs dismount for Aviva (and, no, it was her good legs fault). But she quickly recovers, and this musical act will surely smooth things over.
There's been a few strange performances in Housewives history, but this might near the top of my list. . .first there was all that hub-bub about the sound-check, then the touching, then the dancers. "Do it, do it now." Do what? Grind suggestively?
Thankfully, the couple's adorable speeches made up for the questionable song choice -- even if Aviva blew up his spot for calling in a speech writer.
Bronx is Burning. . . Don't Bother to Evacuate
Lesson learned: in case of emergency, keep calm and continue ordering a drink. Thanks for the fire safety tips, 'Wives! Vodka and club soda, with a splash of grapefruit please.
Manhattan Major Moment: The Traveling Confrontation
After all that lovey dovey goodwill, Heather starts gabbing with Mario. Surely this means the Cold War of Heather v. Ramona right? Nope, Ramona begins off the bat by accusing Heather of being a liar. After a quick one-two punch (verbally) Ramona walks off. But Heather's not having it. She's not finished with the Ramonacoaster until she's taken the full ride -- so she trots right after her. . .multiple times. They literally took the show on the road, which might be a first in 'Wives fights. I don't recall ever seeing ladies make such tracks mid-tiff.
In the most shocking twist, Ramona uses this moment to tell LuAnn that she'd rather fight with her any day. Well, that's a twist. They even hugged. Are your feet cold, because maybe hell just froze over.
Next week, things get more wonderfully zany when Aviva sets Sonja up on a date -- with her dad.