I can't believe it's been almost two years since I last wrote to you! It feels like just yesterday I was telling you about my cute boyfriend, my trip to London, my ill-fated St. Barth's soiree. Remember how I was so happy to have finished my second book that I threw myself a party? Well, a lot has changed.
My hair, for instance -- I went from brunette to blonde, then back to brunette again. I did bangs, then no bangs; layered, then long. I bought an iPhone then ditched it, went back to my Blackberry. Some of my relationships took turns, for better and worse. And guess what? After all that crazy work, I sold my book in an intense bidding war. Yes, Intense! War! Six publishers all bidding against each other. It was like speed dating, but better -- they all wanted to pay me to get in bed! They flattered me and made promises: two-book deals, a movie, television show -- pick me, pick me! They'd never read anything so moving, they said. They told me how brilliant I was, how they all loved my outfit and the way I turned a phrase. They hung on my every word, they thought me so smart. And pretty, too! If only dating was half as rewarding. Whatevs. I copied Woodward and Bernstein and followed the money. I picked the highest bidder. Flattery's great, but I'm not stupid.
See? We have a lot to catch up on. I've missed you. Let's break this new episode down.
Photo (don’t) Shoot (the messenger). . .
Yeah, the show. Did you watch? I always laugh at how Housewives react to each other in any new scene. We're always "Oh my God, Hi!" like we haven't seen each other in ten years. Heather walked into the photo shoot and you’d think I hadn’t seen her in six months the way I reacted, when actually, we see or speak to each other every day.