Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies…
My Summer Vacation
I'm keeping this short. I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. Italy, then London with a short stay in Paris. I'll send postcards. On my real vacations, I meet up with friends and we go for walks on the beach. We stroll through old cities, swim in the sea, and take afternoon naps. We shop, lunch, and, yeah, drink.
We never fight. All the beautiful ancient churches and pyramids do look the same after awhile. And my limit for almost anything is three. I'll go on three hikes, do three watersports, wander three times through crumpled ruins. But I check out after three -- except museums. As hard as I try I cannot get myself to three museums in any one city. The only museum I've ever really enjoyed was the Picasso Museum in Barcelona and I think that's because it's small and you can touch things. But I digress.
We have late boozy lunches and festive dinners that run into the night. We get drunk and we gossip. We're pretty good about muddling through without insulting each another. I've been told I'm a good guest. I don't take up much space, I don't eat a lot, and I keep my complaints to a minimum. I do hate air conditioning and early mornings, but my friends all know this and plan accordingly.
The Trees Are The View!
Admit it, you knew it was going to happen. Kristen is a shitty hostess. I was a sh--ty hostess in St. Barth's and Kristen is a sh--ty hostess in Montana. I don't shed a tear over Sonja's opinion of my hostessing skills. I agree. She's better at it than me. She was a hostess at a tony New York restaurant. She has mad hostess skills. I don't think enough about my hostessing skills, but maybe one day that will change and I'll be the Babe Paley of hostesses. Until then, I'd rather be thought of as a sh--ty hostess then sh--ty guest. Kristen, however, is more sensitive to criticism than me. She's also prettier, taller, and cries more than I do. See we've all got our stuff.
Having traveled with this group on several trips now I can say, unequivocally, that Heather is the only one of us who is both good hostess and good guest. No, wait. LuAnn is, too. Heather is kind when she is sober, and funny as hell when she's drunk. Like right now as we wander through the thicket looking for a cache that no one, except for Kristen, is interested in finding, Heather is funny.
Our trip, I think, can be summed up in two lines:
Carole: "Can we take a moment to enjoy the view?"
Ramona: "You can’t see it. There are too many trees in the way!"
As sure as a one-legged duck swims in circles, at least once every three episodes someone will be called the "B" word. Bossy.
Bossism is an affliction of Housewives. We all get accused of it at one time or another. But Kristen is right, it's not the same as alcoholism (I was using an extreme to make a point. Why do some of the ladies take everything I say literally? It makes me crazy.) But the more alcohol consumed the bossier everyone gets so maybe there is a correlation.
Another Housewife-ism. Own it. You can behave like a jerk as long as you own it. Kristen owned Geocaching. She was upset Heather didn't own Bossypants. Then Heather owned it. Ramona owned her underwear. Sonja owned the cowboys. It really makes the ladies mad when someone doesn't own it. Lets see what I own:
- I own that I am not cut out to be Julie McCoy.
- I own that I can be stubborn.
- I own my fabulous pink satin "hiking dress."
- I own that sometimes I only pretend to listen to Ramona.
- I own that I don't enjoy creating unnecessary conflict.
- I own creating conflict if someone disrespects me, my family, or my career.
- I own the adjectives I used to describe Aviva.
- I own that I dislike hurtful gossip and people who spread it.
- I own that sometimes I, too, like to gossip.
- I own that I'm an Almond Joy: mushy on the outside, a hard nut inside.