Cast Blog: #RHONY

Carole on Fight Club Rule #2

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

Carole on Fight Club Rule #2

Carole reminds her Housewives of the importance of an invite and shares the poem she wrote for Heather and Jonathan's anniversary.

Fight Club Rule #2
Remember, last season, my Real Housewives Fight Club Rule #2: Invite me to your party.

Our little world thrives on party invites, it's an integral and recurring theme. Any show that has "party non-invite" as its central conflict drums up the operatic high drama of a good Russian novel. It's the Real Housewives' Crime and Punishment: first the horror of a non-invitation, and then the shattering aftermath.

Heather's anniversary celebration was fantastic. It's inspiring to be around a couple like her and Jonathan, they're solid. They have great friends, and are generally the most fun couple I've had the pleasure to spend time with.

Outside of that, what's to say? Threesomes pair well with caviar. Ramona watched lion porn in Africa. Vivs still goes on and on with her rules, and her nonsensical analogies. I could go on and on telling you all the ways she was unsupportive of me but you've heard it and I don't want to bore the life out of everyone. She doesn't seem to mind.

Lu is still trying to figure out why we can't just all eat paella. Kristen seduced Elvis, and Ramona makes fluffy eggs.

Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, I dated George Clooney. Someone had to.

Jonathan asked me to write something for his and Heather's anniversary party. And like so many scenes where we are supportive, and not complaining about each other, it got cut. If you read it out loud with an accent it rhymes. Here it is:

Ten Years
You're Super-wife to Jon,
and Yummie Mummie to Ella and Jax,
A friend to wayward Mermaid Queens,
An upstate girl, with big city dreams.

You can roll tough with Puffy, and still giggle with the girls.
Ride motorbikes in denim, or rock a black dress and pearls.
You always do what is right, and not just what's popular.
You tell people your mind, without judgment or gossip-er.
You're serious in business, yet playful in life.
Met Jon on a beach, now you're husband and wife.

Like the Eagle and the Hummingbird,
the Lion and Lamb,
the Athlete and the Spectator,
Or Peanut butter, and jam
I draw from your strengths.
For our differences I give thanks
But also, for your cheshire cat smile
and those three-paneled tanks.

Cheers to your wonderful husband,
and your beautiful marriage,
and to our vodka-fueled cherry bombs.
and a friendship I chair-ish.

Did you notice this episode is all about S-E-X. Who’s doing it? Who’s not doing it? Who is doing what with whom? To read more about S-E-X get my new novel, The Widows Guide to Sex & Dating. Thank you!

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