Carole Radziwill

Carole tells you how to bet properly, makes a drinking game of the episode, and knows it all comes back to size.

on Jun 3

As It Turns Out Size (And Age) Matter

OK the word of the night is, "Huh?" Take a sizable sip of your Saratoga Mint Julep every time you say Huh? during the episode. (Or just follow my lead.) And did you notice, the theme of the show is SIZE. I'll get back to that.

Do you sometimes feel like the entire show exists solely for us to analyze, discuss, observe, and pay homage to le penis? (That's French for "penis.") There isn't a situation or conversation or scene or even snippet of thought that one of us can't turn into a penis reference. Usually that person is me. This episode, though, the other ladies give me a thoroughbred's run for my money. Literally.

No Straw Hats!
In the last show we wore black hats and in this episode we wear colorful ones. Spoiler alert: We wear hats in every episode until the very last one. We wear hats to the reunion! We love our hats. We wear hats better than any other city. Take that, Atlanta.

Like most models and all actors, LuAnn has a large-sized head and as a result she looks great in a hat. Kristen looks great in everything. (Bitch.) Wait, did Sonja just call LuAnn "Pumpkin Head"? Huh? (Drink.) That was my cute nickname for LuAnn, last season. She yelled at me at the reunion about it, but it was a term of affection! She likes it now. I'm the pin-head, Sonja, and maybe also your ghostwriter.

Sex & the Modern Family
In the age of Viagra, embryo cryopreservation, and sperm thawing who needs to get knocked up the old-fashioned way? (You know, with martinis and late night Cinemax). I just read an article about a guy who froze his sperm for 40 years. That means he could technically father his own great-grandchild. Um. OK. Huh? (Drink.)

Whenever you think it can't get weirder, it does. Is anyone wondering how often Cody and George have sex? I'd bet my cryo-frozen eggs no one is. Pretty much everyone is grossed out right now, right? Except for Sonja and Aviva. Daughter asks Dad's girlfriend about their sex life. Huh? (Drink.)

George has Cody's best interests at heart because he is going to freeze his sperm so she can get pregnant after he dies. Huh? (Drink.) Did I hear that wrong? (For fun, drink.) So Cody is not marrying him for his money. Huh? (Drink, drink.) Perhaps I'm old-fashioned but I don't think mothers want their 25-year-old daughters to marry 85-year-old men, except maybe for the money. Money, at least, makes some sense. An old wealthy man and a young impressionable girl, who may have daddy issues and may want financial security. That story is older than God. But here we have not only an 85-year-old man, but one who openly gropes his daughter's friends at his engagement party. In front of his new fiancé! Huh? (Drink, OK? Drink, drink, drink.)