Cast Blog: #RHONY

You Can Lead a Horticulture But You Can't Make her Think

You Can Lead a Horticulture but You Can't Make her Think

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a delusional Housewife in possession of an audience must be in want of a ludicrous storyline.

Fine, I’m mixing Parker and Austen. I do it because I can.

Is it just me or does anyone else think Aviva is the most boring person on Earth? She's not at Sonja's event five minutes before her dull story erupts, again. Carole was mean to me, Carole isn't nice. Carole blah blah, blah-dee-blah. She'll tell anyone in her sight range. Poor LuAnn is, unfortunately, contracted to listen.

So OK, let's get this straight. In Aviva's "bloodbath" with "Princess Carole," Princess Carole apparently called her the following: Bitch, Psychopath, Liar, Bad Mother, plus three more she won't name. Notice how she starts her story in the middle, after all her insults are neatly out of the way.

Can we play a "Where's Waldo" with Aviva's lies? I'll send a book to the first person who spots one in each scene. I think that might be fun, though I might not have enough books.

Here's one in this scene, to start: I have never called Aviva a bad mother. Ever. I have also never badmouthed Vivvy's book, by the way. (Though she feels very comfortable trashing mine). In Viv’s head people lounge around on sofas and talk about her obsessively all day, like she does about them. But in the normal world, where real people live, they don't. They're busy with their lives. Do you want to know how much time I've spent thinking about Aviva Drescher's parenting skills? Zero. Why would I care? I don't. You saw the fight. Maybe her meds cause short-term memory loss? I said, "I would never talk about your parenting the way you just talked about my career." She forgets this is all on tape.

V.D. continues to show viewers what I caught onto after last season wrapped -- she is only nice person if you are going along with her agenda. She proves it again and again. Heather's in her sights next. Then Kristen.

By the way, here is what I called her, both behind her back and in front of it. I'd like to keep it straight: Liar, Phony, Bitch, Sick person, Mean nasty insulting bitch, Psychopath, Phony (again), Sociopath, Liar (again), Phony (again) Self-centered, Self-absorbed, Snobby, Stuck-up ill-mannered Jerk.

The redundancy is a little sloppy of me, but I'm OK with it. And I might want to add, so don't go anywhere.

You saw, in this episode, that they found me out! I’m not a girl's girl. In each city of this franchise there's always someone exposed as not being a girl's kind of girl. You can be called a crack addict, an alcoholic or white trash, you can sleep with anyone's brother or husband or dog, but if you are outed as not being a girl's girl, you're in deep s---. News flash: A girl's girl doesn't try to shame another girl about her age. A girl's girl doesn’t trash another girl's career. A girl's girl doesn’t Velcro herself to her husband, or make snarky comments about another girlfriend who's performing for 500 people to raise money for a great cause, or bore roomfuls of people with slanderous insults about another girl. So let’s not get it twisted.

Manda-Mindo (or whatever her name is) and Viv were rude during Sonja's show. Typical. So add that to my list: Rude. Aviva and Mindy-Man making snarky menopause jokes about Sonja is immature, and rude. If that's their version of girl's girls, they can have it. They can stumble off with their plastic cups of booze holding hands into their little girl's girl sunset.

So now we've gone through Phases 1 and 2 of the Aviva-Mojita Drescher Playbook:

1. Ingratiate yourself with someone, anyone.

2. Insult them in abhorrent ways.

And. . .you know what I'm going to say next. . .

3. Pretend you're the victim. Cry that no one supports you enough, or makes enough glitter or banners, or arranges their life around you, or makes toasts.

Aviva will not shut up about this. She flaps her arms and recaps her increasingly drunken version of her latest victimization to anyone who will listen. Which, thankfully, is fewer and fewer people. She thinks I'm "playing chess" with "a couple of different players." Tell me, does she ever make sense? First she steals from Kelly Bensimon and now she's stealing her lines from half the Housewives of RHOBH. This girl couldn't get her own material if a whole village of villagers were throwing it in her face. But more importantly, this is exactly what you think when you’re a person who looks at everything as an opportunity to manipulate and scheme.

Vivvy-vu, seriously. Please. Move. On. By the way, does her voice grate on your nerves? Did I already say that?

I loved the classy lunch, with the new Dreschers, the old Dubins and the, ahem, "Image Consultant" who pulls her dress up for Harry. "I'll show you my unwrapped package, right here right now under the table, if you show me yours." Maybe Viv's "Image Consultant" needs an image consultant. Or a longer skirt.

P.S. Is it really confusing why Vivvy married Harry?

Sonja figured everything out! God bless that nutty girl. Oh, the intellectual wonders of Jack Daniels. So all I had to do was toast Vivvy. I didn't even need to give her a party with banners, just one little toast at lunch and we'd all be best drunk friends. Why wasn't I ordering shots? Instead, I mistakenly assumed we were having an honest conversation -- my bad -- and I'm guessing I didn't deserve a toast for my accomplishments either because what I got was insults, slander, and finger-wagging.

These scenes are all taped. So, you know, people can see them. Which means everyone knows that I didn't call Vivs a "bad mother" and that Heather didn't threaten her or tell her to "watch your back." I think she repeats the voices she hears in her head and then is simply shocked when we don’t go along with it. I don't really care whether Vivi’s good, bad or boring, at anything. Snooze.

At LuAnn's, here we go again. Oh my God. Girls! You're circling the drain. I sincerely apologize to all of you for the excruciating boredom of this scene, this topic, and Vivvy Drescher herself. As you've learned already, writing is not interesting to talk about and Vivs literally can't stop talking about it! Talking about writing. Isn't it ironic? I wonder if there will be even one frame of video this season, actually showing her writing, or even anything closely related to it. Like maybe meeting with her "Village," or her "million hands," her "team," her "committee," her PR person, her Publishing House, anything? Do you get the feeling that maybe she talked this book? Because if talking were writing, the chick would be J.K. Rowling.

Let me put this in simpler words, and borrow a quote from my favorite Caburlesque star (about Aviva from last season): "The woman didn't split the atom."

She got on a reality show, she signed a book deal, she hired a ghostwriter. This is something many reality stars before her have done quite successfully, and many after her will do. I will say this one last time: when she told me about the book I congratulated her, then when she asked for my help to find a writer, I did. I helped. It wasn't a parade or a banner or ticker tape, true. I'm sure I forgot to tell her repeatedly how unbelievably amazing she is just by being the fascinating truly amazing and incredible marvel that she is.

What does Amana-banana the drunk think? Hmm. What is she even saying? Who the hell is she, by the way? Why is she always duct-taped to Aviva’s other side?

I didn’t badmouth Aviva's book, she badmouthed mine (again just last week!) I've never bad-mouthed her book. I didn't pal around with a gin-soaked, raspy-voiced Image Consultant to help me cut down my colleagues, either. She did.

That said, I do kind of admire her "career" strategy. I might try it. I spent this past weekend in North Carolina writing a piece about Nascar, and drove a race car. You know what that makes me? You guessed it! A Nascar driver!

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Next week I'm singing an aria at Joe's Pub. I don't know which one, I don't even know what one is, but I'll sing it and be an opera star. It’s not rocket science, right? Hey, do you brush your teeth? I bet you do, and I bet you also floss. So let's get it on the record right now, lovelies -- we're all dentists.

I have to go now, I need to buy more paper for my resume.

The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating is available here.

What Remains is available here.

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Sonja: Is It Really So Bad to Be Me, Carole?!

Sonja thinks everyone needs to try to be a little more supportive of one another.

Ramona’s birthday lunch was a wonderful event. I’m so glad I was able to help her to feel so comfortable beginning her birthday week. I completely understand her celebrating her birthday for a whole week! She needs all her close friends around her to support her now. I wouldn’t have been so nice to Heather at that event, though, if I had known that she’d been talking badly about my business behind my back. What was with Heather’s BFF Carole knocking my consultations with a psychopharmacologist? Carole isn’t a doctor, and I don’t know why she thinks that she knows what's in the best medical interest for me. I’m currently seeing a neurologist and an endocrinologist in conjunction with the psychopharmacologist--they are all working together to regulate my hormones and my vitamins, and I think that I would know what’s in my best interest. The psychopharamacologist will decide if I need to take any prescriptions, and yes, they do know a lot about vitamins, as they should, and how they interact with medicines. Then I will decide if I want to take a prescription. This is another example of one of the women just being critical and starting rumors. If Carole is really concerned about my health and what my psychopharmacologist does, she should come to me instead of talking about me to everyone in the world in pure speculation.
I’m not surprised, too, that Bethenny was not receptive to me telling her that I am seeing my friend Robin Cofar, who is a Swami Priest and Yogi. In Atlantic City, Bethenny told me that she thought that I needed to see someone and start talking about the things that are going on in my life. Robin and I are doing introspective work, so I thought that Bethenny would want to know that I was taking her advise and trying to slow things down a little bit as she suggested. Instead of being supportive, Bethenny just attacked me! Bethenny has stepped back into this group of girls with a preconceived notion of where I am at. I feel she isn’t taking the time to get to know the real facts in this particular moment. Bethenny wants me to talk to a shrink, because that’s what has worked for her. It’s great that talking to a therapist works for her, but that’s not how I operate. Having said that, my psychopharmacologist has said he may suggest a therapist for me. Bethenny and I are very different people, so we are going to go about getting centered in different ways. I wish that she would respect that I need to follow my own path instead of her trying to force her life experiences onto me. Everyone is an individual and has their own story. The sooner we all realize this, the happier we will be. At least I feel she really cares, and she's damn funny.


I’m not surprised that Bethenny is being harsh with me, because she is very hard on herself. I don’t like when Bethenny says that her talk show and marriage were both failures. I don’t like to look at any life experience as failures. Both the talk show and her marriage brought her to where she is today, and Bethenny needs to focus more on moving forward instead of thinking about her past experiences. I know that I am very grateful for my marriage and for all of the moments I’ve had in my life. Bethenny has a very strict view of success and failure, and that’s why she views my toaster oven venture as a failure. I view it as a growing experience, because I learned so much from producing the toaster oven, and I was able to take the knowledge with me and transpose it into my Sonja Morgan New York fashion line. That's how I finally got here! We can’t forget that we can learn something from each of our life experiences and that we need to focus on moving forward, not backward. Your past can only restrain you if you let it.
I feel bad that Bethenny had such a tumultuous upbringing, but I’m glad that she is trying to reestablish her family roots for her daughter. Being a mother fundamentally changes a person, and I can see that in Bethenny. She is becoming more introspective and trying to figure out how to live her life in a way that is most condusive to being a mother. I completely understand why she said that choosing between her daughter and hanging out with the other women isn’t even a decision. I struggle with the same issue. Ramona and Luann are always saying that I don’t spend enough time with them, but between my businesses and being a mother, sometimes you have to give up a ton of leisure time. There’s nothing more important than being a mom, so the other women should respect that Bryn is Bethenny’s priority. Who needs a ladies luncheon when you can spend quality time with your daughter!
I don’t know why I wasn’t invited to the boxing match! I love boxing (and wrestling), and when you throw in those tasty looking sandwiches and some beers, who couldn’t have a great time! I don’t know why Carole wouldn’t have invited me, because I know that I always invite her to every group event I do. I’ve noticed that Carole has become more dismissive of me, instead of taking the time to really hear what I’m saying. This makes me sad, because I thought that Carole understood that I am always one to support artists, and I would think that she would support me as I have supported her. In fact, she was the first person to say I am an artist and that I should take my caburlesque Off Broadway. I thought she enjoyed my sing song skits that I write. She said I was hilarious.
Speaking of artists, Victoria’s paintings were amazing! She is a lovely girl, and I am so glad that she is so successful! I have been supporting young artists for decades, so maybe I need to include Victoria in one of my young artists’ exhibitions! Looks like I’ve found my next Sonja in the City event!
I don’t know why Carole was so upset when Luann said that her boyfriend is "Sonja young." Is it really so bad to be me Carole?! I also can’t believe Ramona said that my boyfriends are just toys. The men who I date may be young, but they are established independent men who don’t need me to support them. I’m just happy that Carole has a man right now. I’m not trying to poke holes in her relationship like all of the other women are trying to do to mine.
I did love the Christian Louboutins Carole has in her apartment. Those shoes are worth more than $3,000 dollars, so I see why she would want to use them as a centerpiece instead of wearing them. They are art!
You can always count on Ramona to bring a little levity to a situation! That comment about Dorinda being pounded to stay thin was hilarious! Maybe I need to stop working out and just start having more sex! But I don’t know why Ramona tried to belittle Dorinda’s relationship with John. Why can’t these women just be happy for each other?! They all need to take a step back, stop meddling in other people’s lives, and just worry about their own problems while being supportive of their friends. Dorinda is happy. John has been there for her in dark moments.
When you saw me working out, it really is a good representation of my life. I feel like I am always trying to do a million things and that really exemplifies that! That slice of life also really shows that leopard is my neutral! I don’t think I could have put more leopard in that room if I tried. Well until, of course, my Vanessa Noel shoes for my Latino Show magazine cover event arrived! I don’t know how my trainer Toni (Filipone) puts up with me, because I really am always trying to do a million things at once while she is trying to train me. I have eaten a veggie burger, dead headed the window boxes off the gym, taken calls on speaker phone, even organized my dress rack, all while training with her. We all need to remember that life is all about balance! I am the first to admit that I sometimes forget that, but I try to center myself and remind myself of the things that are important. At the end of the day, the most important things are our families, our friends, and our businesses that support us. Let’s all remember that, and we will lead happier and more fulfilled lives! Can’t wait for you all to see my cover next week! I wear my own designs, the team is strong! If I am delusional, why am I wearing the very dress and jewelry I have been designing for years at a Sonja in the City event? At Vanessa Noels Coutuier?

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