BravoTV.com

Whew! That was a very hard episode for me to watch. Leaving the show was a difficult and selfless decision for me to make. I would have loved to have continued with this wildly successful series. Being one of the original cast members, I was there for the birth, the creation of this show. The past four years have been a thrilling and exciting journey for me, especially seeing the show achieve such great success. We have become a family so to speak and one that I will greatly miss. I would have never in a million years guessed where this show was going when I was first approached by the series creator, Scott Dunlop, but I can tell you it has been the craziest and wildest rollercoaster ride I've ever been on and I've enjoyed every peak, dip, twist and turn! (I learned this from Ashley's toast at my wedding!) This show has definitely taken on a life of it's own, to say the very least.

Our entire family, all kids included with the exception of George's son Slayte, signed on for season 4 in the early spring. We were all very excited, as we had many fun trips and exciting events planned for the summer. Josh seemed to be doing well, however his sobriety took a turn for the worst very quickly. He moved out of the town home to protect me from seeing his decline.

On the first day of filming this season, I spoke to Josh on the phone during my drive to Jeana's house for the trunk show and made a desperate plea for him to get help. I guess you could say that my "motherly intuition" was kicking in, as I felt very uneasy, restless and concerned for his safety. I felt Josh was in imminent danger. I did not even know where he was living to try to help. Because Josh was 19 and is an adult, I could not commit him even if I could have found him. The next morning after the trunk show, I learned that Josh had been arrested on drug charges less than four hours after our conversation the night before. I was shattered and destroyed - yet a part of me felt some relief in knowing that he would be safe for a while. As crazy as it may seem, and only something a parent of a child suffering from drug addiction would understand, is that I actually felt jail was safer than his freedom. Those who love an addict don't have the luxury of reprieve from their suffering. Worry consumed me. At least when high, the addict temporarily escapes from their pain. Trust me, I would not expect anyone else to make sense of this. No one should judge how another person handles the grief of loving an addict. I have learned that there are no right or wrong ways to handle this disease. What works for one may not work for another. I have come to realize that I can't fix Josh. I can only support his recovery when he is ready. I have finally come to terms with the Three C's that Al-Anon teaches: "I didn't cause the addiction, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."