Ryan decision to keep the miscarriage from me was difficult. He is an adult and wanted to deal with it on his own and I can understand and appreciate it. I think when he saw the disappointment in my eyes about the "nugget" tattoo — he felt the need to explain what it meant. I think Ryan was brave to share it with me and the viewers. The situation was very painful for him. I was proud of him for wanting to step up to the plate and take responsibility. I do believe he will make a wonderful father one day when the time is right.
My parents' divorce was tough on everyone on so many levels. We grew up as a very happy, normal, middle class family. My dad was a business owner and my mom was a stay at home mom. I never saw one fight between them — they were always together and we were always doing things as a family. My parents seemed so happy that no one saw the divorce coming, especially my mom. We were all blindsided by my father's choice to leave and it has been a long road for our family. I can happily say that after 17 years we are a family again. We spent our first Christmas together as a family this year and it felt wonderful.
Dinner at Javier's was uncomfortable from the beginning. I think we were all tired from the long holiday weekend. Lynne was there to party and she really didn't want to talk about our kids or cancer or anything too stressful. Like Vicki said, "it is our reality," so it was kind of hard not to talk about it. She came off pretty strong and no one really knew what to think about her? Now knowing her a little better, I think she was just nervous. I was wrong, not only is Lynne skinny — that girl is ripped. She has a great body!
While I was talking to Jeana, she turned to me and said, "We would be sleeping at the hospital if that was one of our family members." I answered back, "Yes, and I would not be in Bass Lake." I was just answering Jeana's question. I did not want it to be a topic at our dinner. The one thing that I am upset about after watching this episode is that I did not defend my comment — it looked as if I backed down. I said it and I own it! I was not judging Gretchen and I am sorry if it hurt her feelings. However, I stand by what I said. I would NOT be on vacation if my husband (child or family member) was in the hospital. I do understand that you cannot be at the hospital ALL the time and you do need a break. However, there is a difference between a break and a vacation in my eyes. My lunch with Gretchen in the prior episode where she told me about Jeff's Illness made me feel sad. I felt sorry for her, Jeff and Jeff's family. So when she told us she went to Bass Lake, I have to be honest with you, I was shocked. I think Gretchen knows now that I was not purposely trying to be mean to her. We all deal with things differently.
I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful New Year's Eve. We will be celebrating in Las Vegas with Donn & Vicki! HAPPY NEW YEAR!