So excited to be back for season 5! I was in New York all last week doing press for the premiere of the show (which was so much fun and I want to thank all the wonderful people I meet and got to work with, and yes that includes you Andy) and therefore didn't get a chance to catch up with blogging till today! This first episode was hard to watch because it brought a lot of emotions back to the forefront for me.
The footage of Jeff and I was very emotional for me despite that it has been over a year now since he passed. Every time I think I'm going to be OK seeing Jeff on the show I end up crying. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get easier as time goes by, but I am not sure if I believe that anymore, for me it has actually gotten harder. It sets in even more every day that he REALLY is gone and is not coming back. That void will always be present in my heart no matter how much time goes by.
I sincerely did not want to go to the place Tamra and I ended up in at Lynne's party, but unfortunately there is only so much one girl can take without finally saying enough is enough.
Tamra and I knew we were going to have to talk at some point since we were on the show together, but we both agreed and knew we didn't want to do it there, unfortunately people were stirring the pot and wanted to see us go there.
When Jeana made the comment that we need to be nice and not hurt one another and then Tamra agreed with her - it just lit me up. This is when you see me say, "Are you kidding me?" and it continued to escalate from there. At this point I could no longer stand by and watch Tamra claim that she was one way but always following with actions another way.
Obviously it just continued to explode between us and I could explain my frustrations to you guys about the crap Tamra was saying, but everyone already knows by watching the footage how unbelievable I felt she was. My ending statement to her said it all. I'm not going to lie - it felt great to finally stand up to her and say she needs to stop making up lies about things she knows nothing about and tell her to shut the F up! With that said, it takes a lot to get me to that point and I certainly don't condone talking that way to anyone. Looking back Tamra and I know that is not what we wanted to be doing with each other and a lot has transpired since that night.
You will see many of the friendships go through a lot of changes this season, ups and downs, bonds broken and hearts hurt, but ultimately you will see every one of us is just trying hard to get along in this place called life.
I am excited for you guys to see my story unfold this season. It is a season of repair and rebuilding after my devastating loss. I admit to my mistakes and bad choices of how I handled Jeffs passing by drinking and partying in order to num the pain at times. I work through a lot of emotions to get to a better place emotionally, spiritually, financially, and mentally. This includes my new relationship with Slade. I know so many of you have concerns and opinions about it and I expect that and am OK with that. The one thing I do want to say though is that Jeff and I had many talks while he was sick about me moving on with my life if he didn't make it through this disease and how important it would be to him for me to find the love and happiness he knew I deserved. This statement is what kept me going most days and what allowed me to allow someone like Slade into my life. I am happier then I have been in over a year and I know Jeff would want nothing more. Jeff's kids and best friends are so happy for me and his son Jake met Slade and really likes him. For me that was the deciding factor when the kids supported me dating Slade. Everyone is going to have opinions and there are going to be haters, but without haters no one will be talking about you either!
This season you see a much quirkier and fun, silly side to me, and you see me becoming the strong and assertive woman I have always been in every area of my life. I am excited for the ride and I hope you guys are to, hold on its a serious roller coaster this year! I am sooo happy and excited about Alexis being on the show, we have become such dear friends with her and Jim and I feel so blessed to have someone who has my back and has such a sincere and real heart!
Till next time,