After talking to Alexis, she convinced me to once again give her the benefit of the doubt that Tamra had turned that new leaf. I decided that if Tamra came up to me and apologized for all the false accusations and for all the crap that she had said, I would forgive and move on. Unfortunately that never happened, and I don’t think Tamra ever intended to do that at her party. I think she was just hoping it was so long ago that I would forget all about it and just be over it.
Now remember, a lot of my reactions to situations this year are due to the fact that I never really realized how vulnerable and fragile I had become during the time Jeff was sick. This past year I have been able to really explore my emotions through grievance counseling for the devastating loss I suffered. I finally realized that the way I was treated by some of the women on this show was beyond devastating to me and not right. I knew I was stronger emotionally and mentally this year, and I was not going to take any crap from anyone.
I think this is why you see me so direct in this first episode. I have been encouraged by so many people to really give the women a piece of my mind, but I continued to hold back and just take the heat because I wasn’t strong enough at the time. Back then I just wanted to fit in and be liked by the group, so I allowed the women to be hard on me probably more than I should have. I was already losing so much in my life watching Jeff disintegrate right in front of me, and through grievance counseling I realized that I was holding onto anything in my life at the time, including friendships, even if it was poisonous for me.
Once I realized that some of the women really had no value in my life, and that the way they treated me during the toughest time in my life was just so vile and ugly, I realized I had no reason to continue to try and be the nice guy. The hardest part for me these past few years watching myself on TV is seeing how fragile I had become. I have always been a strong woman, but when Jeff got sick it changed me. I think when you watch someone lose their life right before your eyes you become numb to a lot of things.