Land of the Free, Home of the Botox's Assistant Editor distills all the 'Wife wisdom from Episode 5.

America is the land of the free, home of the brave. Orange County is the land of the big boobs, blonde hair, and Botox, and the home of some of our favorite Housewives. And this week we saw the 'Wives truly embrace their patriotism. They exercised their freedom of speech by fighting H8, upheld their right to bear arms (or pepper spray), and gave thanks for their bounty (and Botox). So let's cut ourselves a big slice of apple pie, and dive right in to our Orange County lessons from this week.


Peggy had quite a bit to teach us about beauty. First off, holistic healing does not preclude plastic surgery. At least not in Orange County. Peggy makes no bones about loving her fake boobs and refuses to be judged for having them. As she so astutely pointed out, "There's a lot of fake boobs here. If you don't like them, don't get them. But don't give me s--- because I have them." So ladies, get your boobs done (or not), just don't give Peggy a hard time. You never know when she might have that bedazzled Beretta in her bag... 

We also learned that before bringing your babies to a modeling agency, you might want to be sure that they're ready to strut their stuff. Capri and London looked adorable, but they weren't exactly cooperative for the camera. You know it's bad when your child doesn't even respond to promises of ice cream! Hopefully they'll nail it next time. 

P.S. I have to admit I laughed aloud when Andy played that Gia clip last night. No one rocks a runway like that little Jersey minx!


It's a big deal when someone gets their American citizenship, and missing the celebration will inevitably hurt the feelings of that proud new citizen, even if you hadn't fully committed to going. When Fernanda confronted Tamra about not showing at her party, it was one of those awkward train wreck moments. Tamra clearly didn't see that one coming from her fun and flirty friend, and Peggy looked like she was about to jump out the window to avoid being caught in the middle. I kind of saw both sides of the argument, but if you feel strongly either way vote in our Tweet Battle. I guess the lesson learned is not to argue about a party at a party. (Especially a Botox party. What if you mess up your freshly frozen face?) 

Speaking of Alexis' party, Alexis taught us that it's fine to invite someone you may not care for, so long as they promise to "leave the gun at home." I guess that's why Tamra got Vicki some pepper spray instead? In Orange County, it never hurts to go to a friend's party armed. Even if it is a relaxation and rejuvenation party. Because really, there's nothing more relaxing than feeling safe and protected against your frenemies. 


When it comes to family, nothing is taboo. Even petty larceny (so long as it's for a good reason). Gretchen will go to any lengths to make her parents' 40th wedding anniversary special, even if it involves a ninja like break in to secure her mother's dress. I think though the lesson here is to have your mother's friend keep her out for longer! Gretchen only had half an hour to get there, grab the dress, and go. Her inside woman really should have stalled for at least an hour so she didn't have to constantly keep watch. To be fair, Gretchen also could have been a little more focused on the task at hand rather than her mother's clothing, but still. 

Don't question Vicki in her own kitchen. At family dinner, everyone has a role, and when you don't follow orders, things blow up. Or just combust on the grill like Vicki's steaks. 

And speaking of Vicki's mothering, in next week's preview it looks like Vicki may be a little too friendly/hands-on with punishing her staff...


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