Heavy Metals

Oh what a mighty season we've had. Really and truly, this season of Orange County was filled with delights -- sure there were fights, but there were also helicopter rides, Pussycat Dolls, glamping trips, and '80s nights.

So with all of those things in mind, I sat down for this finale as pleased as punch. And punch would have helped my blood sugar situation, lest I end up as ejected as Sarah Winchester. Instead I sat down with a sleeve of Oreos, ready to evaluate our final episode of Season 7, friendship changing fights and all.

Before we get into it, I want this on record: the Orange County 'Wives opening lines this year have brought me so much joy. Truly, this might be the best batch of tags yet -- call Gretchen the boss, take great aim Tamra, drive into the future! Kudos to you all. I've found much inspiration in your mantras!

Throwing Bows
This episode begins with Sarah wondering why she wasn't allowed to dine upon bows at her leisure. Things appear calmer, now but before you can say braised short ribs with sweet potato hash (which Tamra is actually eating), Gretchen pulls Tam into the living room for a tete-a-tete. What now?!?

But it's something sweet! Gretchen got Tamra a meaningful bracelet! In honor of their road to friendship key bracelet from the start of this season, G presented Tamra with a locket bracelet. Their friendship is "unbreakable" (much like Gretchen's new single). These two always belonged together. Let what key jewelry has brought together, no man put asunder!

But that happy time is shattered as soon as Sarah Winchester steps beyond the velvet rope. In an attempt to find Heather to apologize (I think?) things just get horrifically worse. Heather summons her husband, Alexis, and Gretchen to handle it. Alexis attempts to diffuse, but ends up getting into Slade's face. Yikes! Don't mess with a man in a turtleneck, Alexis. Thankfully things wrap up quickly, with the Sarah chapter closing. This is the world we live in I suppose Sarah. . .

Jim-iny Cricket
After all that wraps up, Alexis is sitting around in her fur trying to enjoy herself. Suddenly, her gent Jim arrives. Twist! Will this mean that Terry will have comeuppance for the "phony" comment heard 'round the world? At first, no. Everyone's drinking champagne and enjoying this surprisingly incident-free time. Slade does offer his wingman/security services (just in case), and as soon as he offers up the muscle beneath his turtleneck, things turn. Jim mentions he'll talk to Terry next week, but at Alexis' chides the men into sitting down now. Any conversation that begins "I heard you said you thought my wife was the phoniest person you ever met," can't go well.

And so as quickly as Jim arrives, he's gone. He takes his very bold vest (Jim Bellino has always been a fashion plate) off into the night as soon as Tamra and Heather get involved. And he takes Alexis with him. Another guest off into the night.

Seeing Eye to Evil Eye
And so those that are left, sit down for a toast -- a toast that goes heinously wrong. While the ladies are cheering to enduring friendship (even if they are based in insecurity as Slade jokes), Vicki tosses out a nod to Alexis. Tamra, being Tamra, reacts, sending Brooks into a tailspin. It seems the Southern charmer has an eye for evil eyes, and he's not going to let T roll her eyes at anything Vicki-related.

Things really went down hill once people started calling it "the evil eye." Haven't we learned our lesson in this group. Evil eyes are a hot button topic in this crowd. Don't put them on a hat and don't mention them. Did anyone actually count the number of times they said evil eye in this episode? I’d venture it was at least 100. Thoughts?

Needless to say, things escalated, and I think longtime O.C. fans are not going to like what went down. . .

Vicki's voice very, very quickly reached her most strained yelling levels. (It made the Bunco party tone sounds like a gentle, sensual whisper.) I might actually have nightmares of Vicki saying "you be quiet now." It was just so serious! I don't like seeing Tamra and Vicki fight. This isn't supposed to happen. I was hoping that somehow this was a dream sequence. A nightmare slipped in amongst the rest of this ridiculous party.

Alas, no, and then Vicki leaves! She doesn't make it far though -- as she gets stuck caterwauling about the whole affair in the parking lot. Meanwhile, Tamra pulls Briana aside for a brief chat and finds a confidant in the anti-Brooks brigade. Tamra starts crying at a very high decibel, as she ponders if Brooks matters more to her than her own family.

Heather pops out to see if she can lure Vicki back in with a special toast -- an ambitious move. I don't know why Heather didn't lead with, "Come in because there are actual, real diamonds in the champagne. Seriously, diamonds." That would have gotten me inside in a heartbeat.

Instead, Briana comes out and tries to get the skinny on the kerfuffle. She wants to try to mend fences between her and Tamra.

After that fails and these two are even more strained, Brooks encourages her to go back inside and so they do -- just in time to see the shattered cake presented in all of its glory.

And so, the precious metals gather (silver and gold friends!) and toast to the Dubrows! Vicki swoops in to give a toast to herself -- this time highlighting that you're either with her or against here. Cheers to her enduring happiness.

I think Gretchen said it best: the group is a dysfunctional, f--ked up family. And that's the why we love them. This season we've seen this odd band of blondes tied together by the confines of Orange County, dealing with everything from engagements to friendship drama to phoniness interventions. And at the end of the day, they'll make it through. They always do, and we'll be right there to watch them.

Thanks for reading this season guys! Enjoy the reunions and I'll see you when we're back in the land of O.C.