Some Serious Jerry Springer S--t
Episode 1: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor ponders bottoms shaped like fruit, friendships, and crawfish.
Well welcome back Orange County fans! As we enter in our magical seventh season everything is different! Gretchen and Tamra are having lunch! Vicki is dating a Southerner. We have a brunette! Let's make sense of all these changes, shall we?
BFFS 4 EVA
After the bananas-town reunion last season, I was a little dubious to see how this would turn out. Hopefully, Gretchen chose a restaurant with tables bolted down, thin paper menus, and drinks with tops. Slade is also dubious, but he recommends a nice restaurant with furniture too heavy for Tamra to lift and she's on her way.
Once they arrive, the "dogs start sniffing each other's butts" (as Tamra so eloquently analogized), mojitos are served, and gals got to talking. Honestly, I'm overjoyed with how breezily this went. Both these ladies are a barrel of fun times, so it makes more sense that they are friends. They're putting that water under the bridge (even if its an ocean's worth). Then Tamra makes Gretchen a friendship bracelet that is either the key to the future or the lock to the security deposit of their past, tough to say. That's the thing about friendship bracelets based on metaphors, they are open to interpretation.
Well she's finally here. The latest lady to join our California dreamers -- Heather Dubrow. She seems like she has it all (at least according to Tamra) "She’s very tall, she’s very thin, she's very pretty and she's probably a b---h." She's ready to drop $4.9 million on a lot. She loves to text. And she's not afraid of the getting a little wine on her. We'll see how this goes, but if I had to make a Magic 8 Ball assessment of this I'd say "Outlook Good."
I personally loved Tamra explaining the intricacies of the other ladies to Heather. There was something so foreboding about her mentioning to steer clear of parities with red wine.
The Banana Boat
It's nearly impossible for me to pick my favorite moments from Alexis' foray into live television. First, I adore that Alexis thought she could will a sleeping Jim into answering the phone by air kissing it. It's delightful that Alexis' alarm clock indiscretion resulted in a hooky day for the kids, so good for them. No school lunches or whisper games! Just a day of fun!
But then we get to the real fun -- Dr. Booty. Is he officially a doctor? Who knows, but he is at least qualified to teach you how to qualify your badonk as a fruit. Are you a cherry bottom, pear, banana, apple, lemon? My first question was does a banana bottom peel? My second question was is it possible that my butt is a star fruit?
As Alexis "fired" during her banana exercise and discussed her career as budding "Katie Keurig," I smiled knowing that we'll have a season's worth of these exploits. Here's to hoping National Booty Awareness Month comes 12 times a year.
The Ragin' Cajun
Meanwhile, in Vicki-land, after teaching Michael that an unmade duvet is one of the main reason people don't buy houses (true) and explaining that Donn is still living in the house but they haven't seen each other in two months (WHAT?!?). I guess she's been busy with her new Mississippi man, Brooks. Vicki seems very zen (perhaps it's the marathon sex sessions Tamra couldn't get her to confirm).
So what better way to celebrate her new Southern beau than with a party. Just a simple affair with oysters, crawfish, and tension over the affections of Jim Bellino. . .
And when the ladies (all of them, including Gretchen's brunette bestie Sarah Winchester) arrive, things aren't exactly as jubilant as a good old fashioned crawfish boil (trust me, I know) particularly with Alexis and Peggy.
Next week, the tensions at the shindig come to a head -- a crawfish head. Hopefully Vicki speaks in a Cajun accent and smooths things over. Then things even more dramatic when Vicki and Tamra head on vacation with their gents. What was your favorite part of the premiere? Leave your