Candiace: I Wasn't Anticipating Being Hazed So Soon

"The only place I’m fighting to get into is heaven, and this ain’t it, so I need them to chill!" 

BravoTV.com: What was your first impression of Gizelle? What do you think about her calling you a cheerleader?
Candiace Dillard: Gizelle is cute! She reminds me of a character from Mean Girls. Like she tried to be one of The Plastics but was told they didn’t need any more applications, so she just did her own thang. She’s nice... but not warm. Cordial, but not exactly pleasant. The first thing she said when Ashley introduced us was “Yes, I’ve heard about you...” What does that mean, girl? She’s spunky though, and has a dry sense of humor which I can get with.

The cheerleader comment was funny. I don’t think I’ve ever been called something like that to my face but, I’m not mad lol. I call it a shompliment: a compliment wrapped up in light shade. Gizelle doesn’t quite strike me as someone who admires anything past her own reflection, so I wasn’t all the way surprised at her delivery. I’m cute, I’m spunky, and a little too much for the kids and the class — a cheerleader. And that’s fine. Lol. Rah, rah sis-boom-bah, beeches!

BravoTV.com: Did you get a pre-nup? Tell us about that conversation with Chris.
CD: Girl. This pre-nup conversation is one perpetual bout of heartburn after another. I HATE talking about money. When you add the unsexy flavors of money AND legalese, I’m checked out before I get to the door. Over it! A pre-nup is adulting on steroids, and I try not to adult unless it’s time to pay bills or cuss a broad out (yes, a good cussing requires big girl panties).

Nonetheless, I recognize the need to take the protection of mine and my family’s assets seriously — even if I do believe that it’s unnecessary paperwork and even though I know that Chris isn’t the kind of person harp on monetary things. I’ve seen what marriage does to folk! People get savage when they’re angry or vengeful or hurt, and it goes both ways. Who knows what anti-marriage aliens might take over my body and make me do hoodwolf things with my estranged husband’s coins?

You know what...let me not even put these petulant thoughts into the universe. This is why we should all continue to linger as the footstool of the Christ in our marriages — keep the tomfoolery at bay, girl!

The Real Housewives of Potomac
#RHOP Plays Bubble Soccer
Like, literally the Housewives are playing soccer in giant bubbles. Don't worry, there's still plenty of shade, though.

BravoTV.com: What do you think about Charrisse’s shade about your invite? How do you think the bubble soccer went?
CD: The invite was meant to read light-hearted and fun (hence my poetic rhymes, owwww) as a means of setting the tone for the day. These old biddies need some proper blood circulation in form of physical activity in their lives. If said activity comes in the form of soccer balls, girl, just hush and bring your tail on!

I couldn’t have been more pleased with the way bubble soccer turned out! Sometimes a girl needs to come on out for her comfort zone and try something new. Now, what you don’t know is Candiace is not an outdoor person. She wants nothing to do with a bug, a blade of grass, or a glisten of sweat. But I do love trying new things and pushing myself to the outskirts of my comfort zone. And if I’m going, I’m dragging these girls with me! Watching (almost) everyone bouncing around the field in those big, plastic balls was hilarious. I legit thought my face was going to come off when Robyn and I collided. It WAS hot in those bubbles though, so a 2 minute and 30-second game is all we needed!! Now, where is the sustenance...

BravoTV.com: What were you thinking when the food wasn’t at the park?
CD: SIGH. She ain’t no kiss-ass, but I DO like to make favorable impressions on my guests — especially guests of the “new friend” variety — and here I am looking like Boo-Boo the Fool and all his cousins with not a crumb in sight! CUH-LEARLY this is a high maintenance bunch, and the last thing I needed was to anger a bunch of hangry and sweaty diva bears. My plan was diversion: let’s bring them water and hope for the best while Susband gets his life together with this Myron Mixon’s Pitmaster BBQ.

The Real Housewives of Potomac
Candiace Shares a Not So Little Tidbit About Her Man
Well, her man's...bits.

BravoTV.com: Tell us about getting “grilled” by the ladies – what is it like watching it now?
CD: I certainly wasn’t anticipating being hazed quite so soon. I didn’t sign up to cross the burning sands to nowhere — I want no parts of this sorority foolishness! The only place I’m fighting to get into is heaven, and this ain’t it, so I need them to chill! Lucky for them, pageantry has done well to teach me how to hold my own in the interrogation room, aka an interview. So, I switch to pageant mode and answer away. I try to lead my life in a way that is open and authentic and generally have no issue sharing nuggets of my life. No one can write your narrative if it’s already out there.

My poor Chris and his (awesome) brown d--- though…it’s getting a lot of attention in this moment! As proud as I am of my man’s meat, I’m not walking around spreading brown penile awareness to perfect strangers. When I first started dating Chris, and my friends and family found out that he was white, surprisingly, the first questions they would ask (EVERY time) were, “What color is it? Is it pink? Does it look like raw chicken?” I was floored! Where are y’all finding raw chicken penis? Let me know so I don’t go over there.

I just started preempting my conversations (with my friends) about Chris with “yes, he’s white; no his d--- isn’t pink. Next question.” It became second nature, lol. So when I was sitting at the table at the sip with socialites event with my girl Ashley and Monique, with whom I immediately felt comfortable, I gave the standard spiel. News travels fast in a group of girls (lol), so here I am at the picnic table ‘splaining my susband’s brown d--- again. All in a day’s work!

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Candiace Dillard

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