An Open Letter to the Ladies of The Real Housewives of Potomac: GET SOME PETS ALREADY!

Don't worry, ladies, we helped pick them out for you.

Hey ladies of Potomac

Great to see you again! Let me just start by saying I am so excited to see all the boats, zip lines and fake beards(?!) season 3 has to offer. But before I comfortably settle in to watch you guys fight about people’s houses again, I have something to get off my chest: NONE OF YOU HAVE PETS. Why tho?

It’s as important to being a Real Housewives as yelling while in a ridiculous costume! Do you have secret pets that we somehow overlooked? Did a little furry tail whoosh by in a scene we missed while grabbing a Diet Coke from the kitchen? Forgive us if that’s true, but if it is you’re still being SLOPPY, if you have a pet it needs to be part of your identity. I have scoured every last one of your Instagram accounts and there is nary a furry or feathered friend in sight. Charrisse Jordan had been carrying you all by instagraming her adorable Maltese. Charrisse isn’t here anymore, it’s time for you to pick up the slack:

Ladies, get yourselves some pets!

Just imagine all of the new and exciting places you can go to! Dog parks! Groomers! Pet boutique openings! Heck, the most enterprising of you can start a pet accessory line! A dog fashion show? Don’t mind if we do! I mean there are also dog weddings and funerals, but let’s not think of the big leagues yet when we’re still in Little League, okay? I mean there is companionship and loyalty and all that, but also OUTFITS. Pets are basically living dolls that you can purchase nonsense for like coats and shoes. Let’s keep it moving, there are dog psychics to see and dog birthday parties to plan.

Did you ladies even know that pet posts are some of the most liked posts on the internet? (We assume, basically the Internet was invented to just mainline a constant stream of cat photos into our brains, right?) YOUR PETS CAN HAVE THEIR OWN SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS. YOUR PETS CAN GET YOU INVITED TO EVENTS. YOUR PETS CAN HELP RAISE MONEY FOR CHARITIES. YOU GUYS LOVE CHARITIES. COME ON, DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF PHILANTHROPY.

Before you start questioning what experience I, the Grand Dame of nothing, have to tell you to get a pet, let me direct you to exhibit A — I gave the same great advice to Southern Charm’s Cameran Eubanks. (It is so strong it is my only exhibit.) Did she listen to me and get a dog? Not exactly. She didn’t get a dog so much as the Universe sent her one by means of her husband falling in love with and quasi-stealing the neighbor’s dog. Don’t believe me? Good thing I have proof: here and here and here and here. (I could go on but we don’t have all day, there are dog shelters and pet rescues to get to people.) I have the universe on my side, ladies can you say the same? Didn’t think so. Stop fighting the inevitable, open yourself up to the cosmos and embrace your inner pet owner. I will do the hard part for you and tell you what pet to get. Listen to me. Embrace the universe’s plan for you.

Ashley Darby

Ash, you need an Australian Cattle Dog. Maybe it’s a little too on the nose, but these dogs are spunky, just like you. Smart and active, they can go on hikes with you and IDK maybe even help hostess at your restaurant. They are that smart.

Gizelle Bryant

Gizelle, imagine it: your three little girls brushing and squeezing a sweet little Yorkshire Terrier in a pink bejeweled collar, going to an event with your tiny Yorkie sitting on your lap and traveling by means of your purse. Do it.

Karen Huger

Nothing would suit you, the Grand Dame, more than a regal cat perched on your lap. Reserved and independent, she will run the house when you are otherwise predisposed. And regardless of where you are living, your cat will help make it a home.

“That doesn’t look like fresh chicken to me, Hooman!” - Milk 🐱

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Monique Samuels

Monique, you seem really busy — and we imagine still sad over the (fairly) recent death of your dog. It may feel too soon to add another furry friend to your fam, but can we interest you in a pet bird? They are still lively and cheerful companions AND you don’t need to walk them. Easy.

Good morning 💚💙

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Robin Dixon

Robin! Between your basketball-adjacent life and your energetic kids, we have determined you need a Golden Retriever! The kids will love it, you will love it and maybe we could stumble up some sort of Air Bud situation? Anything is possible!

Candiace Dillard

Candiace, nice to meet you! We may only be a couple episodes in to our budding friendship, but I have still done my due diligence. With your experience as a beauty queen and in Obama’s White House, it was easy. You need a dog that is gorgeous and also presidential, so I looked to the former first dog Bo for inspiration: a Portuguese Water Dog!

 

Happy #NationalPetDay.

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Congratulations gals, you’re getting pets.

Love,

Me

Unleashed is Bravo's celebration of pamper-worthy pets and how to spoil them. Want more? Then Like us on Facebook to stay connected to our daily updates.

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