Bryan mourns the loss of his dog this week but has the strength not to resort to binge eating.

Oct 18, 2010

Moose was incredibly instrumental during my process on the show. He NEVER had issues with going for a workout. He LOVED running and exercising, and if he could have spoken English, I guarantee that he would have been tougher on me then Jackie or Craig. One of his favorite places in Los Angeles was Runyon Canyon, and I can almost hear him now going absolutely bonkers, as we would get closer and closer to the hiking trails at Runyon. It's so funny, I don't think Moose ever looked at hiking as a workout ... instead it was just a fun excuse to run around and be free. I can still picture hiking up the hill and watching Moose disappear ahead of me. Eventually I would see him at the top wagging his tail with an expression on his face saying, "Hey what's taking you so long?" That is a memory I am trying to hold onto in this time of grief and tragedy. Treasure the good times and don't get stuck in the gloom and despair. I literally had to ask myself today, "Do you just retreat to an awful place of pain and heartache and eat everything in sight to fill that void, or do you find a way to cope with the grief by keeping yourself busy?" Relying on comfort foods and slipping back into my old patterns seemed like such an easy and familiar road to turn down. Suffocating my feelings with food was something I knew all to well. I had done it for years on end to cope with pain and discomfort. Yet I know in my heart that repeating those patterns will not fix a thing. Getting fatter and feeling all this guilt will not bring Moose back. Death is a natural progression of life. It doesn't seem fair, but then again life is not always fair. I don't want to sound cold or that I am in denial of my sweet oaf being gone, but the truth of the matter is that he is gone. And just like many people out there I realize there is light at the end of the tunnel, but there are times I can barely see that light through all the tears and heartache. 

However this morning, I had an incredible light bulb moment. A few months back, I was blessed enough to gain insight on how I got to be as heavy as I did, by connecting those emotional triggers that made me want to eat my pain, thanks to Jackie and Dr. Ramani. Now several months later, I find myself back in the trenches fighting another war, but this time I will not surrender. I will not give in. I will fight through this sadness and pain by not stuffing food down my throat. I refuse to let Moose's death cripple me. I know that Moose, more then anyone, would not want to see me go back to my old ways. He loved me no matter what, because that is what a dog does, loves unconditionally. Moose didn't care if I was fat or skinny, but he did care about my emotional well being. Moose could sense sorrow and pain, and whenever I got in that state, he would gently put his head upon my lap and look at me with such love in his eyes. As if to say, I wish I could take away the pain. I am positive today that Moose would not want Miguel and I to carry around this sorrow and depression, instead he would want us to be filled with love and joy.