The big break through that I had this week in therapy was learning to open up and freeing myself from years of excess baggage, both emotionally and physically. I also realized that there is so much truth to the phrase, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” So, why did I feel the need to share my story of abuse? I am not quite sure. But perhaps by sharing I can set myself free, and hopefully help someone else along the way. I have never really had a healthy relationship with either of my parents. My father left when I was young and floated in and out of my life, throughout my childhood, on his terms. He was an alcoholic and battled with the bottle until it eventually took his life in 1995. Being the only son, I felt as though I was a major disappointment to my father. I know that he dreamed of having a son that he could take to baseball games or teach how to change a carburetor. I imagined that he secretly relished in the thought of one day giving me advice on how to approach a girl, or explain the difference between a cross-over dribble and a double dribble, but instead I was dying to know the secrets of Farrah’s perfectly feathered hair or just how “Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty” could possibly remember all those dance steps. We lived in two different worlds and unfortunately we were never able to make any type of connection, until it was much to late.
My mother, on the other hand, did the best that she could raising three children on her own. I cannot imagine the pressures and the struggles that she endured. I am grateful and appreciative for all that she gave me growing up. But I have held on to this guilt and blame for 36 years of not feeling protected enough and for growing up alone, and it is not fair to me, not fair to my mother, not fair to my father. I want to release this albatross around my neck once and for all. I cannot go on living with blaming others anymore. At the end of the day, no one made me gain this weight but myself. Yes, I was sexually abused. Yes, I felt alone and confused and afraid as a child. Yes, there are times where I find myself eating my pain. But if I truly want to take the pounds off, I have to stop this cycle of abuse. I have to hold myself accountable and I have to figure out how to truly love myself. I believe we are all dealt different cards in this life. Some are lucky enough to be dealt a royal flush while others spend their whole lives wishing for a better hand. Well I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of living in the past. I want to live in the moment, in the here and now. From this day forward, I am letting go.