Guest Judge

The guest taster reveals a man-crush on our very own Tom Colicchio in maybe the funniest blog ever.

Apr 23, 2008

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When I think about cooking, two words come to mind: Crystal Meth. The next two words are Top Chef, a show guaranteed to give you a bigger high than any drug. The drama, the food, the swearing! What's more exciting than seeing somebody kick a chair 'cause they screwed up a white wine reduction? And who knew these guys could swear so much! Half the first episode was bleeped out. But hey, this isn't about me watchin' the show, it's about bein' on it! Yeah, I was lucky enough to sit next to Tom Colicchio and the crew to enjoy a meal prepared by the Top Chefs.

Lemme start from the beginning. I used to work at Second City, a comedy club in Chicago. One of the things Second City is famous for is its improvisation, where the audience yells out a bunch of suggestions, and we do (hopefully) funny scenes about what they yelled out. Now see, the guys at Top Chef wanted to do this thing where the audience suggestions were gonna inspire the dishes. I honestly thought it was a terrible idea, considering our typical audience suggestions are "cocksucker" and "dildo."

Now the fun part. The dinner! This was a trip. We went to this house that was actually pretty close to my apartment. I had no idea! If I'd known, I woulda brought a pie over or something. We got there and were immediately offered alcohol, the key to any successful reality show experience.

Dinner was awesome. First off, I got to sit next to Tom. This guy is great, one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. I was a little intimidated at first, cause with that bald head and those steely blue eyes he looks kinda like a hit man. The kind of hit man who will cook you duck a l'orange with plum sauce and then snap your neck.