Lindsay’s dad loves Vienna sausages. I have never ever had Vienna sausages but Ryan at Empire State South makes some great pickled red hots… those are good. Maybe I will come up with a line of survival foods. It would be called, No Choice, but it would be good. Trust me. (Reading this blog is a lot about trusting me if you haven’t noticed. I am the guy who will always catch you when we do the backwards trust fall thing.)
Herring juice is a term that never gets positive nods. Grayson will now strike that one from the permanent vocabulary.
The bottom three is Whitney, Chris, and Dakota. Two out of three had canned crabmeat in their dishes, which sets us straight on the merits of canned crab. Whitney made green bean casserole, which may be a step down from what was in the can to begin with. Don’t get discouraged young Jedi!
Chuy, Lindsay, and Ed in the tops category. Lindsay’s homage takes the cake but, dude, Ed’s dish looked pretty f---ing rad. Nice to see him get some goodness going. Remember, at this point in the series Ed has cut himself more than a blindfolded pumpkin carver. Lindsay rocks the win with her Vienna delight. Saltins sandwiches are going to be the new thing in Florida… trust me?
Hotel time. Dallas style. Off to a bunch of mansions. The mansion-istas, I mean owners, are all completely over the top.
The first hostess doesn’t like cilantro, bell peppers, food that makes people feel self-conscious, or food that gets stuck in your teeth, but has a real want for all the food to be pink, an idea she thankfully jettisons. The real reason I am not on this episode has now become abundantly clear: these people would have driven me crazy. I would have ordered a round of protein smoothies with skin toner/lip enhancer for the diners, screamed something obscene, and taken the chefs out to that new In-N-Out burger that just opened up off the highway. (No joke -- the place had a two hour wait when I did go.)
Moto Chris is beating around the bush and should ask his real question: If I make something really weird and possibly tasty, would that earn me points with you?
Hugh: Best. Blog. Ever. While watching at home, we too rolled our eyes repeatedly at the vapidity of the hosts. We're so happy we get to see and hear more from you this season.
I would have loved to have seen you at those parties. I would also love to see you get a pair of tweezers. Not much plucked but just enough to make two instead of one eyebrow.
OMG Hugh. So. spot. on. I was rolling my eyes and dying when I saw Tom too. I think he was nice blaming his back for his grumpiness. They WERE the whitest people ever. It embarrasses this little Midwest white girl. I bet they all had a viewing party last night too. I wonder how they looked to themselves?
I assumed this was cross-promotion for the real housewives series, aka, the continued saga of the decline and fall of American civilization.
They are why we can't have nice things.
Dear Hugh: Just what kind of survivalists are these, with nori, basmati rice, green chilis, and smoked trout in their kits? I love your take on the Rich Fools of Dallas. I'm definitely more the OWS type, but someone had to look hard to find people that vapid. I so wish you'd been there. Just a well-timed twitch of your unibrow would've had me rolling on the floor. And stop dreaming – the hostess never heard of Dante, unless he's a very fashionable designer for the nouveau riche. Great post.
Hugh wonderful blog! Just wish I could wax poetically as you had (I choice wax since that is what these Texas styled Stepford-ites seemed to me). I found myself wishing they combined the rattlesnake challenge with this one. Now that would have been fun. You are too funny, hope you keep blogging!
You wrote what we were all thinking. Thank you from this non-wealthy Dallas Texan. PS The In-N-Out lines have calmed down since they are now putting one on every street corner.
Thank you for this, Hugh. You win at life.
"Did that guy just tell four chefs to make something that would make his “inner fat kid” happy? I want this rich white guy to channel how it feels to be poor, obese, and living with diabetes, then we’ll break bread."
Tom took the polite high road, despite the apparently back-pain induced eye-rolls. Not at all intended as a ding on Tom- he did what he had to do. Hosts are hosts, and you make your polite entrance, you make your polite conversation, and you run for the door and get the hell out of there before the pre-bottled jose cuervo margarita mix hits the table. Hugh, thanks for saying what had to be said in the most amusing way possible.
I agree with Jen B. I wish you would have judged this thing.
But ... your blogs rock. Love the snark.
I wonder if the producers could have *possibly* booked three more clueless couples to "host" this challenge? And seriously, how was Real Housewives of Dallas wife #1 considered a "party planner" and "lifestyle expert" with such a weak sense of food and presentation? Holy s**t.
We missed you on this challenge, Hugh. I wish that you and Anthony Bourdain had both been judges. LOL!
We missed you this week, Hugh. The diners at the progressive dinner were like ignorant caricatures. I was cringing on their behalf. I wish that you and Anthony Bourdain had both been judges... LOL!
OMG Anthony Bourdain would've been so fantastic on this episode! Why the producers of TC think viewers want to watch this vulgar display of wealth by bourgeois society folk with NO palate is totally beyond me. Booooooo! Even Tom hated them . . . I could tell . . . way to go Tom, and thanks to the editors.
“Edward’s plate was jiggly looking.” It’s f---ing panna cotta.
That's the exact same thing I said as I watched the show!
Hugh, you and your unibrow crack me up! I wish you had been at the dinner party; I'd have loved to see the hosts and hostesses' reactions to your comments.
Are these people ridiculous? Absolutely. But tell me what the price tag is at the end of a meal at ANY of Tom C's restaurants and talk with a straight face about perspectives of someone who is poor. Top Chef basically exists to glorify the very, very high end food industry so I find it sort of galling that it decided to laugh in the face of the people that industry needs to survive. Being rich doesn't make them better than anyone but being the hosts of the episode should earn them at least a modest amount of polite treatment.
As for the people wondering how the hosts will perceive themselves when they see this episode? They will, of course, thinks it make them look great because they were polite, their homes showed beautifully, and the wrinkles were under control.
Also, In N Out is not even a top 10 burger in Dallas, but Texans are obsessed with California right now (probably because so many people are moving here from CA).
MORE HUGH! There shouldn't be an episode you're not on. Love the blog, I giggled throughout. I think it would have hilarious if you had judged, thrown a smoothie at them and yelled something obscene. If I didn't love my television so much, I would have thrown a smoothie at the screen. The yelling of obscenities did occur. My favorite part was when the recent bridegroom stated they had a small wedding. When Gail asked, "600?" he said, "Boom!" Then hostess pipes up with a shrug and a humble, "We had 1600." Let me smack myself with my whisk. Love you Hugh!
LOVE your snark Hugh! more, more, more! "It's f---ing panna cotta" Too funny and I also said that as soon as she made that comment. One moment I thought for sure you would comment on as soon as it happened though and you didn't...Chris C. saying "John Besch is a handsome guy" and commenting on his shiny white teeth and hair blowing in the wind...looks like he is an equal-opportunity creeper ;) Please comment :)
I did not know people actually eat this way.The best we do is a set of cloth napkins and matching rings.These people would not eat in my home,we have tv tray's in the living room,we love our walmart plates and silverware.We do have candles in case the lights go off and I do all the cooking.No chef here,I have been cooking 54 years and don't need a cookbook to make a good meal either.My bf keeps a salt shaker that looks like a canning jar beside his recliner.That is one thing i can't move as I clean house.Yes,I don't have a maid,I do all the cleaning everyday.We may not be fancy or have fancy things but what we have is clean and the food is bragged on every night.More important, we give thanks for it too.We may not have a 4 star chef in residence here but we are so thankful for the food we do have especially now day's.Thanks,Hugh
Hey Hugh, it is the first time I read your blog and believe me, I will never miss it again! I love your honest and smart remarks, it was almost like you were reading my mind!
“Edward’s plate was jiggly looking.” It’s f---ing panna cotta.
I truly enjoyed your blog this week, it is nice to know there is people that also laugh at the dumb stereotypes of empty-head newly-rich people and their laughable behavior and evident ignorance... It is so true that there are things money can't buy ;)
Hugh - I'm absolutely loving your blog this season. Favorite line from this week was "Proud Crary keep on burnin." The fat kid comment also made me lol, but I felt kind of guilty since it involved diabetes. But pretty much anything that involves Chris C. being a creep will get bonus points. I am a little bit disappointed that the producers picked such over-the-top caricatures for this episode, since they're an embarrassment to most Texans who are incredibly genuine, down-to-earth people. Highland Park people really are completely detached from reality (half the Dallas Mavericks and Jerry Jones live there), but I hope in future episodes they highlight some of the more authentic neighborhoods. Supposedly, they selected Texas, because they wanted to highlight some of the up-and-coming food culture that might be flying under the radar.
P.S. The In 'n Out Burger was a HUGE deal. They publicized it virally, saying that three more stores were opening in DFW, but the locations were secret.
Bye Bye Chuy. There is no substitute for talent -- or your obvious lack thereof. You lost the second chance round, too, didn't ya!
Hugh! Never read any of your blogs till tonight and I am cracking up!!! You write how you speak and I always liked listening to your comments. I dont get invited to fancy places either!
I agree with Jen B., JKH. April, Sloopie & Hudson. Man, how can you not have tried Vienna sausages after seeing this and before writing? I had them once as a kid, remembered them as repulsive, and had to taste them again after seeing this. As for canned crab -- there are some foods you just look at and say "no - I'll do without a protein". Canned crab, canned lobster, and canned alligator are in the top 5. LOVED your take on this episode.
Hugh, great blog! Dead on with your analysis. Bourdain and you would have been great on this show. Like the other comments, I am utterly confused why the producers would have non foodie people as hosts on this episode. Just b/c they have money? Give me a break, Bravo. "Im not an adventurous eater.....I want everything pink" What the ****? That was just ridiculous. Upon seeing those couples, I finally understand how Rick Perry could be elected gov in that state. Those people were horribly boring humans and I felt really bad for the contestants. Keep blogging the truth Hugh!